Chapter Five: Dark and Light

The night before we first saw the Black Riders and met the Elves, I waved goodbye to the last farm, thinking never to see them again. I have returned, but I have not been able to see hello again. I am still saying goodbye. I sang about the Road going on and on and pursuing it with weary feet. I am still on that Road. It has twisted and turned so much that many times I have my lost my way or feared I have, but as long as I have followed the light, it has guided me true. But I am weary, my Sam, so very weary.

When we heard a horse behind us and it turned out to be the Black Rider, I felt for the first time, the Ring calling out for it, wanting to be found. It gave me the thought that if I put it on, then I’d be safe, but it was just the first of its many lies that I believed at first. It would have betrayed me. All would have been lost, but still it made me think the desire came within myself and it seemed perfectly reasonable to put it on and Gandalf’s words of warning seemed like nonsense. That is the path to madness. I have realized that slowly. I don’t know why the Rider rode away that first time when it was so close to what it sought, so very close. I have nightmares about it even now. I can’t hide that I have them from you, much as I would love to, but I can, I hope, hide what they are about. Why do you need to be burdened with all that’s been burned into my mind and the remains of my heart and soul? No, better you be kept whole.

That second time we were only saved by meeting Elves, a chance meeting I thought, but Gildor was not so sure. I don’t think I could have overcome the compulsion to put on the Ring that time and one of the best days of your life would have been the worst, if I had betrayed us all. Instead you got your dream come true and met your Elves. I was so happy for you. I will never forget the joy and wonder on your face. That is one memory among many others that I will treasure as I leave, as memories will be all I will bringing with me. I will hold it dear as I do so many others and bring it to mind often whenever I need to see you happy. I even forgot my fears for a little while, enjoying the unexpected and blessed company.

I tried asking Gildor about the Black Riders, but he gave me no news, afraid of frightening me off my path. And he spoke truly. I was already afraid, but I think if I knew the nature of the terror that was hounding me, I would have not have been able to complete what I had to.

But you were always with me to help me to do that, my faithful Sam. You said as we set out that you could carry more. And you did, dearest brother, you carried me. You slept that night at my feet, not wanting to part from me and I can recall the many more times you have slept near me, to comfort me. I know I will never ever be able to thank you for all you’ve done, for all the love you have shone me all these many years. All I can do is break your heart again. What kind of reward is that? But one day, one day, I will see you again and I will reward all your tender care and love by presenting to you your Frodo healed. I promise you.

* * *

I was so thrilled that I was finally able to the Elves that I forgot all about the Black Riders. Nothing could have taken me from your side, but I’m glad we didn’t know then what was hunting us. Instead we were found by Elves. That remains like a dream to me. A joyful dream that I was awake to, eating and drinking and hearing the most marvelous vittels, draughts and songs I had ever heard, but ever since then it seems like I was asleep and it was indeed a dream that disappears upon waking. But I do remember the songs, and them calling you by name, saying that they had seen you often with Bilbo, though you never saw them, and saying you were a jewel among hobbits. Indeed you were and are, my dear. Truer words were never spoken, even if they spoke them in jest.

I fell asleep at your feet that night, a place I wish I could be now, instead of wondering where you are. Are you still on the Sea or have you reached where you are going? I think I’ve dreamed of that place or at least I have imagined it. I have thought of you coming there, setting your foot upon white sands, coming to a new home with a nice round door. I wish I could be there with you, but you wanted me to be happy here and I will be. Then when the time is right, I will go forth myself and then not leave your side ever again. I know you will be there. Somehow I just know you will be.