Chapter Six: A Very Efficient Conspiracy

I have just realized, my Sam, that I never thanked you for saving breakfast for me that day after we met the Elves, one of many things I’m sure I forgot to. When we see each other again, I will make it up to you, whether you let me or not. You have taken care of me for so long and so well, I hope that you will suffer me to take care of you one day.  A finer servant than you does not exist, but you are no longer that, my brother. You have long ceased to be that.

Pippin was also a joy to be with and I am glad, though I first feared to take even you, that he and Merry were with me. Things so seem so different in the light of day, at least to someone as irrepressible as he is. I thank the Powers every day that this war has not changed him or you or Merry anywhere as much as it has changed me. There he was that morning teasing me about not wanting to save me any breakfast, except that you insisted and he seemed so scandalized that I wanted to think and eat at the same time. I can still hear his cheerful voice and I hope I always will. It was the presence of you three that gave me any joy now during our long journey. And any joy that comes to me now is from you three.

I found you watching me that morning as I ate. I told you about my fears, that I wished to not even stay one day in Crickhollow and I asked you whether you still wanted to come with me. You did not hesitate, even when I told you that it was unlikely that either of us was going to return. I still remember what you said that day. "If you don’t come back, then I shan’t, that’s certain." It was nearly so, my dear Sam, it was so very nearly so. But you did come back. I haven’t and I know now I never will. I am being driven onward, ever onward. You told me that you had told the Elves that you would follow me even to the Moon, but it not there that I am going, but over the Sea, where you cannot follow, not yet at least, though I am already anticipating seeing you on those white shores that I have already seen in my dreams and will soon see in reality.

I remember that I questioned you closely whether you still wanted to leave the Shire now that you had seen your beloved Elves. I remember your joy in speaking of them, but even with that wish already fulfilled, you said you still wanted to go and it was because you had something to do. You already knew the road was going to be dark, but you were determined to walk it with me.

You and Merry and Pippin were all determined. I could not ask for better friends and brothers than the best hobbits the Shire has ever produced. I wish there was a way I could repay all that loyalty and companionship you have given me so ceaselessly for so long. That night that the conspiracy of love that you three had formed to protect me and watch over me was revealed remains a source of wonder and joy to me in the midst of all my darkness. Merry and Fatty had made Crickhollow so welcoming, so much like home and there I was happy for just a little bit, having a warm bath, with you and me and Pippin trying to outsing each other in our respective tubs. I had so dreaded telling my cousins that I was not staying, that all their trouble was for nothing. Little did I know my Merry had it all in hand and that you were their chief spy! I smile even now to think of it. I will never forget Pippin’s and Merry’s words that night. "You must go - and therefore we must, too." "You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin - to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours - closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo. We are horribly afraid - but we are coming with you."

Those words keep echoing through my mind. Sometimes they make me smile, sometimes they make me cry. We had no idea what we were getting into, none of us. Yet we all chose to go out of love. I know I could not have gone anywhere so far on my road without the three of you, especially without you, my dearest Sam, fiercest guardian of my body, heart and soul. I would have been nothing but a dried-up corpse far from home or worse a wraith in the service of the dark lord. But sometimes, I do wish you had all been able to stay at home. That I had been able to stay. How many, many times have I wished that. I am so proud of you three, of all you accomplished. I know you are proud of me, but I wonder what for. All I can see is my failure at the end. All I can see is that you three have never abandoned me and I must soon abandon you.

* * *

Seeing the Elves was one of the best things in my life.  It was good to have a dream come true to comfort and warm one during the nightmares to come. The most wondrous creatures they were, but you proved to be more wondrous still for all you accomplished during our journey. I remember you asking me whether I still wanted to come now that I had seen the Elves and of course, I did. There wasn't nowhere I wouldn’t follow you. You were the reason I was leaving the Shire, my dear love, not to see Elves. That was just a tidy little reward. It was you that I wanted to be with. To the moon, I told them, I would go if you went. Even over the Sea, will I go to you.

When we crossed the river the next day, it was as though a new life was beginning for me. I was still in the Shire, but leaving it behind at the same time. There was adventure ahead, not the kind that we had so long dreamed of and spent many an afternoon playacting in the warm sunshine. It was a long, dark road ahead of us and there was little of it that I could see clearly. But that didn’t matter. I could have seen none of it or all of it, and still I would have gone ahead with you. We all would have. Nothing could have held us back, but I’m glad we didn’t know. I was already wishing that you could have kept on living quietly and happily at Bag End.

I have not stopped wishing that even now. It’s not the same here without you, my dear. All the rooms are the same, your books are here, your pipe, your clothes, your quills and papers and ink. The book you and Mr. Bilbo wrote remains in the study. I have read a little of it each day, running my finger along the words you had scribed, just to be a little closer to you, to draw you nearer than the wide gulf of the Sea that now separates us. Sometimes when the tears and the grief are too much for me and all I can see is your sad eyes, I close my own eyes and remember your joy and astonishment that night Mr. Merry revealed our conspiracy to you. You were glowing that night.