Chapter 10: Betrayal and Redemption

It was when I woke that I made the worst betrayal of all the love and loyalty you three had already shown me. I saw you all asleep as though death had already come to you and that sword across your throats and that terrible song and that hand that crept toward you. All of it was enough to freeze my blood and then the Ring spoke to me, told me to flee, to live myself, to abandon you. I almost listened. I told myself it was the only thing that could be done. In that moment, I quailed at all that was happening around me instead of the courage in the face of fear that you three had already shown. The Quest would have been doomed because of my weakness.

When I did not answer the call of the Ring, but sang out to Tom instead, I had joy when you all woke. We ran in the fields as free as could be, with life and light returned to us, as though all our cares were lifted from us. But though I remember that joy, I shall always also carry with me that betrayal I nearly made and consider it made even if I only thought it. It is another of my nightmares that I wake from, to feel your arms already around me, your soothing voice in my ear, the look in your eyes gently pleading with me to tell you what it was about. But I never tell you know that one or any of them. I just hold onto you as I always do, let the listening of your steady heart calm my racing one and let myself fall asleep again, safe in your rocking arms, as though I still deserve to have all the love you continue to lavish on me.

* * *

You were the first thing I saw after I woke from that terrible cold sleep and nightmare the barrow-wight had woven us in. I can still so easily see the joy in your eyes and whole being, how you shone when you saw that we were all right. Master Tom was the next person we saw and in that company and in yours, we all lost fear and the horror of what had happened slipped away as though it had never been.  I wish though Master Tom had stayed with us the entire time, one couldn’t be melancholy or fearful in his company, but he continued on his Road and we continued on ours. 

You had saved us. We ran on the grass, completely free and joyful. You were free even of the Ring. I think of all the times we had when you were so completely happy and I recall them at times when I remember other times I held you and you were hurting that bad and your light glowed but dimly.

But it was ever there. It never went out. And I know it’s going to be shining brighter all the time where you are going. You told me once how you saw Lord Glorfindel glowing and I imagine you are going to be like that too when I see you next. So beautiful, so very beautiful. I’ve dreamed of you and where you are going, trying to be with you. I am firmly rooted here in the Shire with Rose and Elanor and you told me there would be others, but part of me travels on with you or wants to at the least. Do you feel me near you, my dear?