Chapter Fourteen: Light in Darkness

I rue the day Bilbo ever found the Ring. How many, many times I have wished he hadn’t, that I hadn’t been chosen, that I was too weak to pass the Test. But there was nothing for it, as you would say, dearest Sam. Gandalf, the Lady, Lord Elrond, Faramir, they all feared to take the Ring because they knew they would fail. If those stronger and wiser than I feared it, how could they trust me? Why did they trust me? I looked back along the Road and I hated it. I hated that it was leading back home and I was being led in the opposite direction. Not even the thought of seeing Bilbo comforted me. I wanted to be home, safe and had never heard of the Ring. But wishes are meaningless things. I had to go away. I had to leave. You had to come. And I wouldn’t have wished this terrible blackness on anyone else. It had to be me. I had been chosen. But why, why?

There was horrible fear that night but there was some comfort. Strider’s words provided both. He said the Ring was drawing the Riders to me, to us. I was terrified, but mostly for you three. I had told Gandalf before I even left that I would guard the Ring, no matter what it did to me, and that alone filled with dread, but I feared so much more for what it could do to all of you, my most beloved of friends. Why did you all love me so much that you couldn’t bear being parted from me, that you were willing to brave any danger just to keep me safe or try to at the least? I love you all so much, so very, very much and I would do the same for you that you did for me, but still it was an agony for me to think of what terrible perils I was drawing toward you, simply because of my presence, because of what I had to carry.

But there was some comfort and hope also. There were the runes that Strider believed to be made from Gandalf. I so much wanted to believe he was on the Road with us somewhere. And there were the songs and tales that Strider told us long into the night that kept our fear at bay. I am so glad you heard more about your beloved Elves, that there was some light in the darkness.

Then darkness deeper than the night fell around us. The call of the Riders to me to put on the Ring grew and grew and though I knew it to be folly and I tried so hard to resist, I simply couldn’t at the end. I could see from the corner of my eye that you knew I was in trouble, but I couldn’t turn to you. All I could think about was wanting to put it on. All the warnings not to didn’t make sense anymore; the terrible effect of putting it on at Bree didn’t matter. I was filled with nothing but longing to surrender to it. I long for it even now and it is long gone.

Then I was gone. I saw them then as they were really were. I entered their pale, nightmare world. I saw light in their terrible darkness, but it was not the light that saved. I saw their crowns and helms and swords, mounted on skulls and held by skeletal arms and hands. They were nothing and everything. The tallest pierced me and it was like ice. They wanted me for their own. I don’t know that they didn’t have me in the end.

* * *

I will always remember the 6^th as the day you were stabbed. I cannot forget and neither can you, but how I wish we both could! I know this is why you fought the darkness so hard, why you preserved through the worst hardships, crawling at the end, just so no one else would have to endure what you did, so Middle-earth could be free of the dark lord. I know why I had to follow you into the deepest darkness. But I haven’t been able to be with you every step. You have traveled into worse perils even when I was right beside you. Like that night.

It was marvelous to hear all the tales of old, of Beren and Luthien. I’d much rather remember that and pretend it was another of our camping trips and we were safe in the Shire and I was listening to you or we were both hearkening to a tale as only Mr. Bilbo could tell it. I promise you, my dear, that I will tell my children those tales, just like we used to hear them. You made it safe to do that again and I will honor your sacrifices every day and in every way I can. That I can tell tales by the fireside or under the stars to my lads and lasses and watch their eager faces light up like ours did will be one of those ways. I will tell them your tale too. They will know all you did for them, those you love that you don’t even know.

After Strider’s tales were done, they came and the fear rushed back that he had been able to held at bay under the spell of his voice. I was so terrified, but even they couldn’t make me leave your side. I couldn’t help you though and I rue that sorely. I could tell you were in some terrible trouble, but there was nothing I could do but watch you struggle alone and then you disappeared and that scared me more than anything. I heard you calling from afar off, calling out to Elbereth, then you were felled and reappeared. I feared you were dead. We all did. What joy we had to hear you crying out , even if your words didn’t make any sense, asking after a pale king. What had you seen that we didn’t? I know it haunted your nightmares for long after, though you never spoke of it, behind what words you spoke in those dreams that you probably weren’t even aware I heard.

You left everything behind when you left. I have that includes those terrible dreams. I hope you can sleep in peace now and those who look upon you as you rest can see what I saw many a morning before any of this happened, your light shining, your face so beautiful, a soft smile upon your lips as though you were dreaming only of the fairest things. I long for the day that I can see that again myself. Hold on, my dear. I miss you and love you so much.