Chapter Thirteen: Thinning

I remember that fourth night out from Bree looking at sunset and remembering how it looked through the windows of Bag End. Every step I took was taking me away from there, but closer to Bilbo. That was a comfort to help me in my journey, knowing I was doing what I could to keep our beloved land safe and hoping to meet the one who had left it so long before.

I think of what I replied to Pippin the next morning when he remarked that I was looking twice the hobbit I used to be and I told him how odd that was because of how thin I was getting and that I hoped I wouldn’t get so thin, I would turn into a wraith.

My jest has become truth though I fear. I haven’t truly come home all this time. I am like a wraith here, existing but not truly living. There is too little of me left. I see how worried you and Rose are that my body hasn’t filled out more with all the delicious meals you two have lovingly prepared for me and coaxed me into eating what I could. I’m sorry that I haven’t always showed you how much I appreciate all you two have done for me. I fear that you can see how empty I am inside as well, though I have tried to hide that. I wouldn’t look into your eyes at all to spare you that, but that would be more than I could bear. I need to see all that love and care there. It reminds me that I am here and still loved and therefore I must still be alive, though I feel more a wraith each day. I know better than to ask you this, but never stop loving me, my Sam. I would truly die if you did.

* * *

I remember how soon we got used to traveling on shorter commons than any of us were used to. It’s amazing, isn’t it, what we can do without when we need to? Before, roughing it meant a night or two out in a comfortable sleeping bag with a warm fire if need be and plenty of food and water and cheer, not a hint of fear upon us. We knew we would soon return to our own beds. How long it would be us to have that type of safety and feasting again except for those brief respites in Elven lands and the kindness of Captain Faramir.

Mr. Pippin was right, dear, when he said you were looking twice the hobbit you used to be. I think we were all changing, all proving hardier than we thought we could be, but going on despite this little bit of deprivation was nothing compared to what you accomplished later, so worn down by hunger and thirst, nearly dying from it and still you went on. I wonder what Mr. Pippin would have said then if he could have seen you?

It was good we didn’t know what lay ahead. It was better just to live through it, not knowing what was before us until we encountered it, then enduring it and pushing through because we knew we had to.