Chapter Eighteen: A Restless Night

The weather turned wet and that aggravated the pain and cold of my wound, but I tried not to let any of you know of it. It was hard trying to keep all that away, nearly as draining as it now, but I wished always to spare you all, my beloved brothers, especially you, my Sam, most dear to me, who saw so much that I could not hide as my will and strength failed. I am so sorry you had to see all that, see how weak I became. It is a sore grief to know how much I worried you and continue to worry you.

I laid on the ground that second night of rain and couldn’t sleep for the ache and cold that continued to spread through me. It has continued to spread even now and I long so for warmth that not even the summer sun can provide. I have seen how fretful you are that I must have a blanket around my shoulders at all times. I wish I could spare you that, but it is either wear that or shiver and that would worry you even more I think. You don’t say anything, except with your eyes which have always spoke of what your heart holds, but just silently take care of me as you have these many years I have been in your keeping. I am so grateful, my most fierce guardian, that your have not let up your guard even now, that you have tea to warm my cold hands, a fire always going, many blankets on my bed and any other loving gift you think to give me.

I thank you, but mere words are not enough. They are completely inadequate for all you do for me, each and every day. I promise you that your reward will be to see all your efforts were not in vain. You will see me healed one day. This terrible punishment that I am to inflict upon us both, and on my Merry-lad and my ’squeak, will have wonderful fruit. My dreams will not always be that they were that night, of fears of the black smothering me, of walking in the garden that you just as lovingly tend as you tend me and having the agony of feeling that walk among the grass to be a dimmer reality than what I was facing and still face, walking amidst the ashes. Or so is my last hope. I know it is your hope also that I heal so it is really that I am holding onto instead of any of my own. I learned to do that during our terrible journey even when mine was so faint or failed all together. Your hope has always been true. I believe it is this time too or so I repeat to myself over and over in my bed when I know you have already gone to sleep and you won’t hear me and I won’t have to explain what I am saying or that I have so very little hope of my own left. It softens my tears so I can be asleep when you check on me later as I know you do. What have I done, my dearest Sam, what have I done to deserve such incredible love and care?

* * *

Oh, how it tore at our hearts to see you so miserable, dear. We all were after two days of rain, but it was so much worse for you. I know that well from the time you sprained your ankle that one spring jumping off that haycart. Those rains we had caused it to ache something fierce. Mr. Bilbo and I were almost besides ourselves with wanting to ease your pain, but you were being so brave and even cheerful, saying what an opportunity it was to get more reading done since we refused to let you leave your bed. I read a lot to you then and you read to me and Mr. Bilbo read to us both and we actually did have a good time, though we knew you were in a lot more pain than you thought you were showing. How I wish I could distract you as easily that night we watched you toss and turn so restlessly. You were moving about so much, trying in vain to find some comfortable position, that we couldn’t even hold your hand for long before it would slip out of our grasp as you squirmed about once more.

I hope there is someone holding your hand now, dear, where you have gone. I know there is, plenty too probably, but at least Mr. Bilbo and Mr. Gandalf. I have held out my hand to you at times during the night when I wake sometimes and almost get up to check on you when something wakes me and I know you are hurting and needing to be held. I don’t get up, but I do hold out my hand and I hope you can feel it. If I can feel your pain, I hope it works both ways and you can feel all the love I want to send you.