Chapter Nineteen: Learning

The way was so hard. We had to climb and it was so cold. I am still trying to climb out of a deep, dark pit with smooth sides and hardly any foot or handholds and my left arm is still useless. I look up and I think sometimes I can the stars or the dim sunlight far above me, but I am trapped near the bottom and it seems so far to the top. The mist that grew around my eyes those days made everything seem to be dim. I actually welcomed the night because then the shadows were not so pronounced and I could almost believe I could see naturally again, but I knew I was beginning to see as a wraith did. I was becoming separated from the world of the living and entering the world of shadows. I wonder sometimes whether that mist ever truly went away. I still feel so apart from the living, a shell, existing but not truly alive, dead but still breathing, a corpse with a beating heart. Sometimes it is not as bad as that, Bilbo would probably say I was being over-dramatic, but I do feel apart. The only time I feel warm and alive is when you look at me and smile and I see so much love there that I could drown in it. The dreams of darkness and winged pursuers plagued what little sleep I was able to get and those dreams at times pursue me still.

There was a little light, though, in my darkness, and as usual, you, my dearest Sam, brought it to me and so Merry and Pippin as you three continue to do even now. I remember the next day after that terrible climb we found Bilbo’s trolls. It helped some to see that, to know that we were on the same Road that Bilbo had traveled before. How I had spent my childhood wanting to follow him on an adventure of my own and here we were. You sang your song about the troll, amazing everyone, including myself. I said I was learning a lot about you and that continued throughout the entire time we were together. You did become a warrior, guarding me so fiercely as you still do against all the shadows that assail me. I wish you could guard me against the ones that rise within me where you cannot reach.

I learned a lot about myself too on our journey and none of it is good. I gave in or wanted to give so many times to the Ring’s call. It’s a wonder the entire Quest didn’t fail any sooner because of my weakness. It was not my strength that caused it to be destroyed. It was yours and it was Smeagol’s lust, so much like my own, that caused him to pursue it and be there to claim it for himself. I long for it still and I know I always will. How I wished back when we saw the stone that marked where the troll’s gold had been that that was the only treasure Bilbo brought back and that he so freely given away. How many times I have wished that I could have parted with the Ring so easily or more that he had never picked it up himself, but I repeat to myself during those times what Gandalf said, that it was meant to be. And though it tears my heart and soul, I tell myself that it is good that is gone now. I can actually believe that when I see you and my brother cousins and Rose and Elanor and know that because you refused to give up on me, there is peace and light for you all. But there are many other times I don’t believe it, that I wish I still had it with me, especially at night when the shadows rise about me and you are not there to keep them back. I lay in bed, finding sleep normally only at dawn. I hear you come in during the night and I so want just to have you hold me so I am not alone among all the terrors that assail me. I know you would do that, that you have done that too many times already, but I don’t move. I pretend I am asleep so I don’t worry you. But I have never been able to fool you. You know what I need and you always give it, no matter what it is. You hold me until I can truly sleep again, then let me go. Sometimes I feel your kiss so soft against my brow and I cry to hear your retreating steps.

* * *

I wish I could have helped you more, dear. It was that hard watching you struggle up that climb with bad arm. We were all done in when we got to the top, but you worst of all, just laying there and shivering. Strider told me not to give up hope and I didn’t, but it was horrible just to watch you suffer and not be able to ease it, beyond taking your hand. What dreams you were having I don’t know, but I could guess and I didn’t like what I was guessing. It was so good to see the morning again, to see the sunlight, to feel the warmth after so cold a night. The way got much easier and Bill was doing a wonderful job in keeping you safe and still on his back. We were all that glad to see your spirits rise with our own.

I was frightened when Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin came running back saying they had seen trolls, but Strider came walking down to them, just as relaxed as can be, and broke his stick over one of them. We couldn’t believe it! Then you laughed and said we had forgotten all about the family history and that these were Mr. Bilbo’s trolls. I could have shouted I was so happy to hear that laugh.

You said you were learning a lot about me, but I was learning a lot about you. Well, truth to tell, it wasn’t anything I didn’t already know, but it was like it something I always knew but never saw so well displayed and there it was coming true in front of me. Oh, that doesn’t makes any sense, does it? You were always so much better at describing things than me. What I’m trying to say is that I always knew you were good and brave and true from the way you had always acted. It just came to you naturally, but it came even clearer and more pronounced under all the trials we had. You remained brave and true and the light shone about you as it always did, like it does around the Elves, only a bit dimmer and instead of growing less through your trials, it grew more. I wish you could see yourself, my dear love. I know from your sad eyes you were suffering something fierce and it didn’t stop when the Ring was gone and that breaks my heart even more than it did when we were on our way, when I thought it would be all over at the Fire and now realize your sufferings had hardly begun. You didn’t talk of it much, but I know that Ring cut your spirit even worse than it into your neck. That is clear from what you put into the Book, that you couldn’t speak, but had to write out. But I’m going to tell you when I see you next that I was and am just that proud of you for doing all that you did, that you pushed through when you had no strength left, that you kept going even when you had no hope, that nothing could stop you because you said you would go to Mordor and that was what you did. That doesn’t even begin to describe all you did and were and are, but it’s the best I can do, though you deserve so much better. I love you that much, my dear love, and that doesn't even begin to describe what filled my heart on our way ever more and still does.