Chapter Twenty-Two: A Still, Small Voice

We learned at the Council the history of the Ring, of treachery and weakness and Darkness that threatened to overcome even the fair Elven lands where all was bright and no shadow yet touched. It was out there, waiting, watching, biding its time, growing in strength and I could feel it all in my heart, seeking to devour all the light left in the world as it already sought to devour me, as it is still seeking.

When I was asked to bring the Ring forth, I was filled with shame and fear. I couldn’t bear the touch of it, but it was mine. I held it forth only reluctantly and my hand was shaking when I did it. I wished I was elsewhere, far away. A heavy burden Elrond called the Ring and so it has been, so heavy I have been crushed under it. There are wounds so deep inside no healing touch can reach. I wish that I wasn’t so torn by them. How many, many times have I wished that. I wish for so much I can’t ever have. It is useless I know, but still that longing is there and I don’t think it will leave me anymore than the lingering desire for the Ring.

I already knew of the terrible power of the Ring and felt very small in the ability to fight against it. So many others there, wiser and stronger than I, feared even to hold it for the power it would have over them. I listened to all that was being said and the dread in me grew. I could see very clearly my doom approaching and I wished that it would not be spoken, not be made real. I wanted nothing other than to be allowed to be in peace, to be with Bilbo. But I knew if the doom that caused my heart to quail wasn’t spoken, then all Middle-earth was doomed. I felt within me a prompting to speak that doom, to take it as my own. If I could not spared, then perhaps I could save others and that is why I had left my home to begin with, even when I knew I would not be. I spoke. It was better I than anyone else. No one else could. I was asked inside and I said yes.

And you, my dearest, dearest Sam, spoke right up and said that surely I wasn’t going alone. You had heard of all the terrible dangers, had already been through many already, but nothing could shake your decision in wanting to remain with me. All this time you have held by my side, through all dangers and darknesses you have been with me, my brother of brothers. You would have given your life. You have given your love and your blood and all that is in you. Such devotion and loyalty has not its equal anywhere and against that I compare my upcoming betrayal and all the others that have come before. My brother-cousins have been just as true and wanting to be included, thinking you were getting a reward for eavesdropping. A punishment I called it and so it was. I was the one who got the reward, the companionship of you three, not you.

It is hardly possible to separate us, Elrond said, hardly, but possible. It will not be easy but it will happen. Oh, Sam, how can I bear that? You have taken care of me for 32 years now and hardly one day of that we have spent apart. You have taken care of every runny nose, sore throat, headache and fever, every heartache and heartbreak, every cut and sprain and skinned knee and I have taken care of every one of yours. And now it will be years before I see you again, if I am granted that blessing at all. I will watch you grew ever more distant as the ship moves away. I know I will staring long after you have been lost to sight. Only then I hope will my tears fall. It is a measure of the depth of my loss that I am committed to this course at all.  This is one pain, most beloved guardian, that you cannot cure. It is not your fault that you cannot, but how I wish you could!

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No braver words did you speak, dear, when you said you would take the Ring. And rightly did Lord Elrond said you would have your place among those that we thrilled to hear such tales of. I can just see you beside Hador, Hurin, Turin and Beren. Never thought we would be in such a tale ourselves and the same tale! It was a terrible, long history we heard tell of at the Council, wasn’t it, and many times a day since then I have wished that you could have been spared all it cost you to take upon the burden you did so willingly.

But I’m also so proud of you, love, so very proud of you, it’s a wonder my heart doesn’t just burst right open. Even in my grief, I have that joy. You were hurt terrible by the Ring, but you kept going through it all, saving us. I tried that hard to save you, and it don’t seem fair that you had to go somewhere else for that. I miss you sore, but then I think of all you did because you spoke those few words, all that is now safe because of your sacrifices, all that remains green and growing and at peace. You are not just Elf-friend, but a friend of Hobbits, Men, Dwarves and all who walk in the light because you took the darkness upon yourself so it would not spread.

Lord Elrond said it was hardly possible to separate us and I never thought it would be possible at all, but it has happened and I think it will be a long time before I see you again. But I will, dear, I will. Don’t you ever doubt that. It will happen. I think in some ways we aren’t apart even now. Didn’t you tell me when my mum died that one day I would feel her presence still with me as you sometimes thought you felt your own parents? I think I felt you today, out in the fields, near your favorite tree. I heard laughter in the wind, yours, dearest. It must have been a memory, but it was wonderful and I smiled to hear it. Hardly possible? No, not possible at all. I can’t make you tea or put a blanket around your shoulders or tuck the sheets under your chin, but I can still hold you, I can still sing to you.

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(A/N:  I've also updated Children of Iluvatar in the Anthology section for this momentous Council meeting so please take a look at that too!)