Chapter Twenty-Three: Rest for the Journey

Gandalf said to forget about the coming worries and I will admit it was easy to do so while in Rivendell. I think if we had not that refuge to restore our spirits and strengthen our hearts and bodies, and later the relief of Lothlorien and Faramir’s hospitality, it would have been so much harder to endure the trials that came. And impossible if you had not been there, my loving protector.  If only I could be healed of my present wounds as easily.

When Elrond asked me if I was resolved in my decision to be Ring-bearer, I did not hesitate to say that I was. The choice had been made. That had been the difficult part I thought. The rest, I had no doubt, would be difficult as well, but it seemed to be easier to face now that the decision to go on had been made. Elrond spoke darkly about none of us knowing the dangers that were come and we would not be able to go on if we did. We were all afraid, but all resolved to go on. It is very good that we did not the trials to come that so severely tested us far beyond what we imagined we could ever endure. I tried and failed, but not to have tried at all and seen the world covered in a deeper darkness than any of my worst fears could have contrived would have been a worse torment. It is better that the pain is just consuming me instead of the whole of Middle-earth, but how I wish it wasn’t devouring even me.

I know it was not, but how easy it is to imagine that star I saw shining deep in the heavens like a red eye was the Eye, the same one that so filled my mind and dreams, burning a hole in me. It is gone and I know it no longer seeks me, but sometimes still in my dreams I see it and the star as one.

I spent some time looking at the maps of the journey that was planned for us. It was so far, so very far. Merry looked rather intently as well and I knew he was figuring in his mind how long it would take and what we would need to bring. He was ever the planner and I was glad and afraid for him at the same time. I was even more anxious for Pippin. I was that close to begging Lord Elrond that they be sent home, but I knew my beloved cousins too well. It would all come to naught and they would just follow me anyway. "You will have to lock me in prison or send me home tied in a sack," Pippin said. I smiled just a little when I heard that. But I don’t think even that would have helped. I remember well how they can be quite a handful. My dear ones would kicking and screaming the whole way back and someway, somehow they would get out or be let out and then they’d be running back to me. No, they had to stay with me, where I could keep an eye on them. So I bit my tongue and hoped I was right because I already feared there was no safe place left and being near me was the least safe of all places. But you and they wouldn’t be budged from there from even before that little conspiracy of love was revealed and every day I have blessed you three for it and cursed that you have all had to experience more evil than anyone should ever have to, all because you would not be parted from me. But even Gandalf thought it wisest for them to be with me and I trusted that was right and that good would come of it. I feared for you all, but at the same time I am glad you all were around to provide some cheer. It was for you and all the Shire that I accepted the burden.

* * *

Oh, dear, what a haven Rivendell was for us when we so needed it. Days and days and weeks spent in cheer and health that grew and grew. Nights spent feasting and listening to songs and tales in the Hall of Fire. I can remember all the times we sat there, wrapped in such joy, Bilbo at your side and I on your other. Sometimes you fell asleep against his side, utterly content. Best of all was to watch that, to see you grow strong again and happy. Your laughter was free and clear and you nearly glowed as bright as the Elves themselves, so right at home you seemed with them. I carried all those memories with me along the Road and they nourished me even after we returned as did each smile you were able to give me, especially those when you felt unable to but still did for me. I saw your love there clearest those times, but it shone all the other times too.

When Lord Elrond asked if you were still committed to being the Ring-bearer, you did not hesitate when you said yes and that I would come. A punishment you had called it to be at your side while we went into such darkness. But a worse punishment would have been not to be there. Mr. Merry was right - as glorious as Rivendell was, it would not have been, if we were there and you were out in the Wild. No, my dear, the best place for us has ever been at your side.