Chapter Thirty-Five: Parting Gifts

We debated long into the night that last night we spent in Lorien. Boromir watched me and I watched him. Already the Ring was stirring in him what was to come later. If I had known more of that, I would have tried to leave earlier, but I don’t know whether they would have been things worse or better.

It was hard to leave such a fair land, for you especially because we left by boat. I know that took courage and it’s another thing I have not thanked you for, among all the myriad sacrifices you made for me. The Road lay forward, not backward, into the darkness, away from the light. I imagine sometimes in my own darkness that if I look over my shoulder, I can still see the light distantly behind me that was Lorien. And closer I can see you, surrounding me, my light in dark places, but still that is distant also or so it seems in this dark void where the light is so diffuse and little sound reaches me but the sound of your voice and that of that the Lady’s last song. Nai hiruvalye Valimar. Nai elye hiruva. Maybe thou shalt find Valimar. Maybe even thou shalt find it.

Of all the gifts she gave us, that one remains longest with me, to guide me along the Road that I must still travel. It did not comfort me when I first heard it, but it does now, coming to me when I need it most, a sadness and a hope. I cling to it as much as I cling to your voice, but I have no roots here anymore, Sam. I am floating free and I hope to settle down once more somewhere and never move again. Gandalf has already told me that Valimar itself I am not likely to see, but it is in the West and that I have come to understand is the only place for me. I have lost myself and to find myself once more, I must leave all that once defined me. I have to find my way alone, but once I do, then I will find my way back.

I watch you sleep many nights, just standing at the threshold and sometimes I softly sing to you, quietly enough that I know you won’t wake, but loud enough I hope that it reaches your heart and you can hear it there as often as I do and receive the same comfort I do. Then I brush a kiss so lightly to your brow and leave for my own bed. The time is passing that I will no longer be able to do that and I will have only memories and hopes. I wonder whether that will be enough, for as Gimli told me later about his own parting with the Lady, the heart desires more than memories. So many sacrifices the whole Company made for me in sharing my Road and the greatest still to come. Oh, Sam, my heart quails but it cannot do otherwise. I must leave, but each day, each moment I watch you, I repeat to myself what I sing to you at night. I think sometimes you see me mouthing those words as you raise your head from the garden to look at me or up from looking at Elanor or making me tea or any of the myriad other wonderful things you do for me. You never ask, you only smile and I find myself smiling back. Sometimes you come up and give me a tight hug and kiss to my head, just to let me know how much you love me and that if I want to talk, you will listen. But I cannot. I can only sing to you when you are asleep and let my heart speak to yours in ways it has no strength to otherwise. Nai hiruvalye Valimar, my beloved. Nai elye hiruva.

* * *

We spent some time in the Golden Wood, but we hardly even noticed the passage of time. I wish sometimes that would happen here because each day sometimes feels so long because you are not here and I know many days will stretch out before I see you again, but then you did say I would be busy with more bairns and being Mayor. I don’t know about that last bit, but Rosie and I do wish for a family, especially a son to name after you and then others to fill this place up with cheer and light and love just like you and Mr. Bilbo always did. I hope he is doing all right or whether he is even with you anymore. He was that old, but still I. hope he will be with you a long time because I can’t be.

Even if we didn’t feel the time passing, the time did come to leave the Lady’s Wood and we were given the cloaks the Lady herself and her maids had made and lembas and rope. I was glad to get that as I had been missing it since Rivendell. I wish I could have learned about it from the Elves, but maybe I can when I come to you.

The Lady gave me that box of earth from her garden and you received the star-glass. I don’t even want to think of what would have happened to us if we hadn’t been so gifted and you were able to see the Shire blessed anew before you left from the dirt she gave. She said it wouldn’t keep me on the Road, but I think in some ways it did, or at least I wanted to keep it safe and get it home and I knew the only way home was to stay on the Road, to walk it beside you and to get you home.

I know none of us wanted to leave such a fair land. And I especially did not want to leave by boat, but you were with me and it wasn’t so bad. You know I would do anything or go anywhere with you, dearlove. One day, I’ll go by boat again and cross the Sea and instead of looking back wistfully at the shore as I did then, I’ll be looking forward. I know you will be there, love, waiting for me on that far shore. I can already see you standing there, so bright and beautiful, about to burst from joy and your laughter spilling out like a river and all that love that could outshine the sun. I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t believe that. I already can’t wait. Imagine that, me looking forward to getting into a boat again, but what’s even stranger, is that I would swim the whole way myself since I know you would be there to meet me.