Chapter Thirty-Four: Elf-magic

The sun is out, the air is warm, but I sit in the study, in the darkness of my own pain and loss, not even seeing it how bright the day is. The fire you have so thoughtfully stoked in sorrow and love is burning and crackling and I feel its warmth, but still I shiver in cold. I will be gone long before winter and I am glad for myself and sorrowful for you for this parting will be the worst of all the hurts I have given you, dearest Sam, but still I know, after the grief passes and it will for both of us, you will have the hope that we will see each other again and that hope will not be defeated. You had hope far longer than I did on the Quest and I know if my hope of seeing you again falters or even fails, I can hold onto yours just I did all the way to the Fire. Didn’t Gandalf call you such? Hope Unquenchable. You are, my Sam, you are. You have ever been my support, my guide, my guard, my solace and my encouragement, praising even my poem about Gandalf.

And so I can leave you with that hope to sustain me as we part as I hope it will help you and you can forgive me for what I will do. I will make it up to you if I can, though I quail at ever being able to come close to the depth of love and devotion you have so unstintingly given me all these many years. I know I cannot, but I shall try in my own small way to show you anyway. You will see me healed. That is the least I can do. I think I will have much time to think of what else though I can do for you. I fear that also - how much time will stretch between our parting and reunion, but if the Land I am going to is anything like Rivendell or the Lady’s Wood then time will pass almost unnoticed and for that I will be glad. And you, my beloved, best part of my heart and soul, I hope, will be too busy to notice the passage either. Time drags on so now, each day is a weariness and each night is endless. Dawn brings only the smallest bit of relief. But it will not always be that way or so my remaining hope hangs by a slim thread.

I wish there was some Elf-magic like the Lady’s Mirror that we could peer into and see each other. You were so keen upon seeing such magic, and even now that brings a smile to my face, driving away the pain for a moment, but it was indeed perilous to look through that the first time and I fear that if we could after we part that in the beginning all we would see is the sadness brought on by the Shadow and that I have brought to you, though thankfully not the Shadow itself. It has passed on or so I try to convince myself, though it sits still so heavy on my heart, dragging me down as it did then and all my thoughts are in vain. I don’t think I could bear for you to see me anymore like this or that I would see you sad. But when we have both healed enough, I would very much like to see you, dearest heart, and all the lads and lasses you will have and your time as Mayor and see Merry and Pippin and all that they will have become. So much I will be missing, my Sam, so much. But I know you will tell me everything when you come and I will tell you all the good that has happened to me.

I have never thanked you enough for all you sacrificed for me, my guardian and brother. You saw in the Mirror all we came back home to, but still you stayed with me, though you desperately wanted to go back. You carried your beloved pots and pans nearly all the way to the Fire, but left them in that foul place, the better to carry me, though neither of us knew it at the time. You left blood, sweat and tears. You were willing to give me your life. Oh, my Sam, how could I ever make that up to you?

The Lady spoke of the Enemy seeking her mind and reaching it not. So I wish it could have been for me, but I was laid bare to the lidless Eye. I knew him and he knew me. She passed her test. I did not. I am not staring now into a blank nothingness like I did then, for the pain is all around me and I think at times I see it, a tangled, angry, jagged mess that is stained with my blood. So I must leave. I saw the Sea in the Mirror, Sam, the Sea. I don’t think I would have been given that vision if somehow I couldn’t be helped by it. Or so I grope for any hope in this endless darkness.

You will know I hope when I have found peace, for our hearts have ever been entwined and we have ever felt each other’s pains and joys. I long for the day I can have you feel that and I can feel yours. How I will miss looking into your eyes and see that bottomless love, feeling your arms around me and hearing your loving voice. I will hold all things tight against me and I hope to dream of them often. Know that you will never leave my thoughts. The Mirror we will see each other in will be our memories. I love you, my Sam. I love you so.

* * *

Our time in Lorien was a wondrous time, wasn’t it, dear? We were healed of hurts and weariness of body, though our hearts were still too newly cut by Mr. Gandalf’s death. I meant it when I said that poem you made about him was nearly as good as Mr. Bilbo’s. I loved hearing it, as I always loved hearing you recite the tales of old and sing the songs that were in there. Such a lovely voice you had, so sad at times for most times the songs were that heartbreaking and many a tear I shed as a lad listening to them. I remember each one of those times and how you held me at the end of them, rocked me gently, stroked my curls and just let me cry, sometimes crying with me, until the magic wore off a bit and we came back to the Shire, our backs against your favorite tree, the picnic lunch already finished off and the sun bright and the air warm. How we dreamed off those long-ago tales and our own adventures! I think you had a bit of Elf-magic yourself with the spell you would weave with your voice, transporting us both back to those times. I hope you will have a lot of time where you are now to listen to more tales and songs and compose your own if you take a liking to it.

It’s still a bit of a wonder that we contributed our own bit to the tale as well. I’ve read what you wrote of it over and over already and I cry still at parts and marvel anew at how strong and brave you were. I hated what I saw in the Lady’s Mirror, but if I turned back like I wanted to, then we wouldn’t have been remembered in any tales, because there wouldn’t have been any to tell them, or the telling would be much darker. It’s because of you that it isn’t. The long way home was the best way, the only way, for I couldn’t abandon you and you couldn’t go home anymore than I could without you. To the very end I was determined to follow you and only then go back. My heart could not have borne it any other way, though it took a beating seeing the Lady’s magic and all the terrible things that were happening and it took even more to watch you decline so. But you’ve come now to the end, my dear. You have only one place left to go - and that is back.

I wish I could be there with you and hold your hand and see you look up at me and smile as joy returns to you. I can see you smile at least as you sleep and that is enough or almost for me now. I know I have much to live for here that I don’t want to leave, but I wish we could all be there with you. Still I will come one day, my dear love. I will turn West and follow the Sea and the Stars and I will find you.