Chapter Forty: Through the Marshes

It seemed so long that we tramped through the marshes, going from deadly lights to deadly dark. I felt the Eye on me the whole time and I tried to hide, tried not to be revealed and devoured. But the veils between me and him were growing thinner as we got closer. Already I knew exactly where he was, could feel his black will stretching toward me. The Lady felt the same, but he hadn’t discovered her yet. I feared I would not be so fortunate. That terrible will beat upon me and it was a wonder I could do anything but stagger toward it. I felt so exposed in the Marshes and in the dead land that came after. What a nightmare we were in, but there was no waking from it. We had to travel through it, into greater blackness before we would see the light again, if we saw it. I am still stumbling through it, weary beyond all relief. Sleep offers little escape. There is so little light around me, just you and Elanor, my cousins and the light whose source I do not know. I know the Enemy is gone now, but still in my dreams, he is there, alive and aware and I cower as I did then. Even without the weight of the Ring already dragging me down, I bent earthward, trying to hide, fearing it all to be useless. Oh, my Sam, I am so glad you felt so little of it, of him! I am so sorry that you had to travel through such black, dead, sick lands. How your gardener’s heart must have suffered to see such desolation, you who love such wonderful, living, growing things. But that you loved me more I will never forget, that you remained a beautiful thing for me to look at and keep beside me on that terrible, dark Road. I am glad and sad more than I could ever tell you that you remain with me. I would have you in the green and growing Shire instead of the paths I still trod, yet you remain in both worlds and I cannot bear to ask you to go. If only I could remain here with you, in your arms, listening to you sing to me and I don’t have to hear that other voice. Sometimes I still feel I am being sought and I quiver, alone but seemingly not in my bed. But I do not hear the high, thin cries that froze us in fear as the wraiths flew above that made me wonder if Smeagol was right and we had been found and all our movements marked and tracked. There is but the soft wind, the smell of delicious hot meals, not the stink of the Marshes. There is a light trimmed low near the bed and a glass of water on the stand. All your gifts.

Each time I wake, I let all that sink into me and then I can sleep again. There are few enough times that I wake that don’t bring you to my side. You have always had a sense when I need you, my beloved guardian, though I don’t call but in my heart and if I could stifle that, I think at times I would, for you need your sleep and you shouldn’t always need to be rising to give me comfort, but still you come and hold me and I hold you and the gift of your voice and your boundless love rescue me for a while from the torment that besets me still. I cannot thank you enough. Every time I try, you place a finger against my lips and smile at me, your eyes brimming over with love, then you kiss my head and hold me close again. You don’t need or want any thanks, but, my brother, I need and want to do so, though I continue to realize more and more that I can never equal or even come close to all that you have given me. It is enough for you that you can hold me and I can hold you and you need nothing else but to have me near. You are happy, still sad for me, but happy that we have come home, that I am safe and you can take care of me still and that you have your Rose by your side also. How can I hurt you so much by leaving? I never imagined from the first time I looked into your eyes I would ever live without them, but now much of my thoughts are occupied with just that. You hope with that unshakeable hope that sustained you and through you, me, that I will be well, given enough time and care and love. How can I disappoint that? I am determined not to fail in that at least. I think you are right, my Sam, I hope you are, but the healing won’t come here. Each day brings us closer to parting, but that I must keep secret from you until the last moment. Until then I will continue to treasure being held in your strong, warm arms and loved beyond measure. I will hold you and look at you and remember how that feels until I can hold you again.

I wish I could remember more of that dream I had after we had left the Marshes. What a gift it was. The only good dreams I have now are of the Sea, but even those are scarred with sorrow for it is by Sea that I must leave you, dearest Sam. I wish there was another way. I wish you and Rose and Elanor and Merry and Pippin could all come. How can I bear leaving any of you? But I will, I must. I have seen what is waiting for me or I think I have and I so long for it. It promises peace and rest and healing and my heart strains toward it. I can almost hear something as though a song across the water and its voice is soft and gentle and a balm to my wounds, reaching deep. I dread it too. It will take me away from you and nearly all I love. But with all that I will be missing, I will not, I hope, be missing your love or that of my cousins. You three have followed me everywhere you could and I know in some way, you will be at my side even as I step away, because you are in my heart and there I will hold you ever close, to still guide and guard me.

* * *

There were only a couple times I agreed with Stinker. One of the times was when we all earned that name during the terrible passage through the Marshes and all the times we lost our step and got soaked in the slime there. He said we had to get you away and we did, but then we came to something worse and something worse after that and after that. I think, dear, that you never left that black land until you boarded that ship. It has torn me up something fierce that you could not come back home, that you were still weighted down just as you were then when it was so hard to walk from the burden. I should have carried you sooner. I had nothing but an arm to help you when you stumbled and a few words to try to encourage you. I wish I could have done more for you. I brought you to the Fire. I wish I could have brought you back. How can I ever thank you for all you suffered to keep us safe? I watched day by day and loved you more and more for all you were doing. Each day my heart broke more but you held those pieces together in your hands and melded them back together whenever you smiled at me and called me your own or best, those rare times you laughed. I knew then we would win. Oh, love, I wish I could have healed your heart as easily as you restored mine. It’s torn right now but you continue to heal it. I can still see your smiles. Can you see mine?