Chapter Forty-One: At the Gate

As I write this, my memory reminds me of my terrible failure with Smeagol. I warned him of his danger and pronounced his doom, just weeks before it reached out to take him from me, from any hope of his cure. He died because I had said it would be so, that he would cast himself into the Fire while I wore the Ring. I know I did not command that myself, I know he died because he took the Ring from me and fell with it, united in complete joy with it at last. But still I claimed the Ring also, longing to possess it as he did, yet I was allowed to live and he died, saving me, saving all of us. Gandalf said I would go mad if the Ring was taken from me by force and such happened even at the threat of that, but Smeagol’s lust was greater than even how large mine had grown and it was with my blood that he claimed the Ring for himself. How could such a small thing have such great power to destroy lives? I wish it could have otherwise. I wish I could have saved him. I wish I could have saved myself. Perhaps Smeagol did not always mean so, but he did us great good. He got us through the Marshes, he brought us up the stairs. We couldn’t have made it to the Fire without his guidance. And what reward did I give him for all that? He is dead. And I live, knowing I am alive because he is dead, having destroyed what I could not.

I wish Gandalf had been with us the whole time to guide us, but he was gone and we had to shift for ourselves as well as we might. He wished for Smeagol’s cure as I did. I’m sure he would have been of better help than I was, though perhaps his efforts too would have been in vain. I do not know. All I know is that I failed when I wanted to help. It was so hard to choose what to do on my own at any step in the journey, but so was my doom that the decisions were all mine to make, not just for myself, but for you, Sam. It was to your death that I was taking you. I don’t know how I bore that, but you would not leave me and soon I will be leaving you, a terrible reward for all your care that continues up to this moment. I was frightened and felt very small and unsure. I sought for Gandalf’s wisdom, searching my memory for anything that could help in that unhappy hour of decision of how to go on, but he was gone and I could think of no words of his to help me.

I had to get into Mordor. It was clear from Smeagol’s terror and our own eyes that through the Gates was too perilous, though I would have chosen that way had there been no other and failed perhaps and brought ruin to all, accomplishing the very thing I wished to avoid. Smeagol feared that. You remained silent at first, Sam. You knew me too well. Oh, how I hated that the burden was all on my shoulders. But then you recited your song about the oliphaunts and I laughed and that eased the burden and removed my doubts about the terrible choices between evils. I chose for the secret path.

Soon I will be traveling another secret path. It is alone that I had make that decision also. It was not any easier to make that decision that any one of the others, yet even if had counsel from others, it still would have been my decision. You have always taken such perfect care of me, my guardian dear. I will carry with me, beloved, your song and your smiles and all the said and unsaid words that conveyed your love. I will remember all the times you made me laugh and the journey less terrible. What dark paths we trod that you brightened with your cheer and your hope. I shall never forget all the times you have been my light in dark places, how you continue to shine for me even now. How I hope that when I face the east in day or night, it will seem a little brighter because you are there and one day, oh Sam, one day I hope I will see your light come increasingly near until I am protected within your encircling arms once more. I love you, my brother.

* * *

Slinker did what you asked, I will give him that. He got us to the Gate. But what good did that do us? We had only to look at it for a moment to know it was hopeless, that all the toiling was in vain and what was to be done? I would have gone in there with you. I would have gone anywhere with you and I would have died with you, defending you to the last, but then Slinker proposed another route and that sounded just as dangerous. But we had to get in somehow. Slinker was begging you not to give the Ring to the Enemy and I was in full agreement with him there and I knew you were too, but he wanted it all to himself too, the dratted creature. I hadn’t forgotten what I had overheard or that evil glint in Stinker’s eyes. It seemed all too possible that Stinker was guiding us all along and not Slinker which would have been bad enough. I didn’t say anything. I knew that stubborn look on your face and the set of your weary shoulders and legs. You were going to go on, anyway you could, the safest among no safe choices, until you dropped. And I was not going to leave you nohow, especially not with Stinker and Slinker around. I was afraid you hadn’t seen what he was about, not having heard what he planned to do to us, but that little speech of yours warning him of his danger opened his eyes and no mistake and mine too. You knew, but still you trusted him and I trusted you so we went on. We had to. Even if Stinker weren’t leading us into a trap, we would have been trapped just as well if we had tried the Gate. How I wish we didn’t have to make any of those terrible decisions, I could see day by day how the burden was troubling you more and more, but as the Lady said it might be, our path was laid out already and we had to only to walk upon it.

We had the fear of the Black Riders again but then you laughed at my poem about the oliphaunts, and glory and trumpets, what a marvelous sound that was, any time I heard it! You had always been so full of laughter and cheer, not a day, nay an hour went by when we were lads and your heart didn’t burst forth in cheer. I treasured all those times, but now even more because they were so rare. Oh, my love, I hope you are laughing now again. I can’t wait to hear it more myself!