Chapter Forty-Five: The Crossroads

Ithilien and Faramir’s friendship were both unlooked for blessings, but such Elrond had said may happen. What a haven it was, a bright light in the growing darkness. In Faramir was a wiser, nobler, gentler Man than any but for Aragorn. He and his Men stood in silence before meals, but they had never traveled to where they reverenced and soon I will be coming closer than they. I will see wonders that I wish I could share with him for he loves well the past and serves the present and future because of it, trying to make the glory real again. With Aragorn, Gondor will shine again. Faramir will be happy and I shall be happy for him.

Leaving that fair place with his blessing and love was like leaving the Shire all over again almost, or leaving Rivendell or Lothlorien. After a respite, the Shadow fell again upon me. I was drawn ever onward and you, brother mine, by my side, doomed as I.

As the dark gathered around our sight and deeper inside me, another blessing came. The sight of the Sun and the king crowned again. I have been conquered though. There is no victory for me here, though I hope it awaits elsewhere. I have come to my own crossroads and my way that first led East, now faces West. Gandalf was the one that gave me the hope that you would come to your own, my Sam, that you would stand where I do now and make your own decision. I do not doubt that you will choose to come West if that choice is left to you, but I grieve for what the cost will be for you to come to that part of the Road. Still I hope to welcome you and share your pain and help you carry that burden as you have so often helped to carry mine and to share your joy once more also once you are healed. Dreaming of that time is the one thing that is sustaining me through this dark night. Long years will pass between us, but nothing will ever separate us. I have to believe that, though the voices that whisper and taunt me try to convince me otherwise.

But then when they are the loudest and I just want to scream to drown them out, when I am alone in my bed, clutching at my blankets and weeping in my fear and despair, curled around myself, there is a small shaft of light in my darkness as you open the door and silently pad over to me and hold me in your arms, blankets and all, rock me, kiss my head, smooth my curls and tears and sing to me.  You don't ask why I am crying but just love me and the voices fall silent. Do you come because you hear them too? They are so loud in my ears at times I feel you must, but I hope you don’t. They are terrible. Or is it my tears that fall without a sound for ears to hear but your heart has always been able to? I could never still that as much as I try to silence my torment otherwise. You have always heard my heart as I have always heard yours and so much I want to comfort you, but I have nothing to give. I just hold onto you and listen to you and cry all the more that soon I will be gone from you.  Oh, my Sam, I wish that would not be so!  

* * *

I’ve thought often of what you said, my dear, when we saw the sunlight lighting up the crown of the king, a bit of brightness in the growing dark just like Captain’s Faramir’s hospitality had been, another little respite to soothe and strengthen our hearts as much as our bodies. "They cannot conquer forever!" you said. And they haven’t. They’ve been defeated because of what you did at the Fire. I know it was Gollum that went into it with the Ring, but it was you who got it there so he could do it. You think you failed, but, my love, even if you were conquered at the last, you still achieved a great victory, winning through with every step you took against the Shadow. The Enemy tried everything to defeat you and I know you left feeling he had succeeded, but I hope you have seen now what I have learned to see, that leaving was not a defeat but a victory. You gave everything to defeat him and then you gave again to make sure he didn’t defeat you. I think you do see that now because I am sleeping easier and I couldn’t be doing that if you weren’t also. My heart has listened for you all the while since I met you and it hasn’t stopped. I know you are mending. At the one and the same time, I am more anxious than ever to see you and I am more at peace now with the wait before me. I know now you will be well long before I can celebrate that with you face-to-face, with you smiling and laughing in my arms again. That will be enough for now for there is not little for me to joyful about here too. Rosie is expecting again. I think you know that. I could almost hear your voice last night in the wind celebrating.