Chapter Forty-Four: The Forbidden Pool

I looked out into the night after Faramir woke me and wondered about Merry, Pippin, Strider, Legolas and Gimli. Were they as safe as we were? Or were they laying long dead and I would never know exactly where they fell and the Shire and all of Middle-earth would be less bright because of their lives lost? I will wonder that while I’m gone too. I know you all will be safe, that is not my worry, but I will still look out at the stars and think of you all and wonder what you are doing and wishing we could all still be together. I know I will wish in the beginning like I did in that cave I could be allowed to sleep longer, to lay aside my grief and forget a while my burden. Already I am wondering what your lives will be like when I’m gone. I imagine you, dearest, presiding over the Free Fair and your growing family running and giggling and crying out in pure joy. I imagine you doing the same thing, watching over them and trying to catch them, laughing yourself. I see Merry as Master of Buckland and Pippin coming of age and then as the Took and Thain. There is so much I see in my heart that I will not see any other way and it causes me to smile and weep at the same time.

I will miss other people too. Smeagol had found his way in the cave and he would have been killed had I not been there. I even thought myself that I could be rid of him and that thought shames me. I promised him safety and I thought of allowing his death. That I dismissed the thought readily enough, for I know Gandalf would not wished it, does not ease my heart. I hate that I even thought it and also what I had to do to save him. It smacked too much of betrayal and so I think Smeagol always took it to be. He had trusted as far as his twisted heart could. He had wanted to believe I was true. And I appeared not to be. I cannot blame him. I would not have believed myself either had our places been reversed. I knew even then I could never explain to him what I had done and he had to  believe a lie. Or was it lie? I had thought of betraying him to death. That I did not follow that with action is no comfort. I wish I could have saved him another way. I wish I had never wished ill of him.

Faramir tried to warn me that Smeagol probably would betray us. I knew that wretched creature was still bound to the darkness and to the Ring, but I still wished to offer him the warmth of the light, even as I moved further away from it on my own dark journey. Haven’t you always offered me friendship, warmth and love even when I betrayed you? I know how wonderful it is to have the regard of someone.

I heard that long-suffering sigh you made, my Sam, when I took Smeagol back under my protection. The same one I heard down the years whenever I did something you deemed not quite right, but you knew I wasn’t going to change my mind on either. How I am going to miss even those, my dearest heart! I would just smile at you and things usually turned out all right. They did this time too. The Quest would have failed without our guide.

Faramir told me that he did not think he would ever see me again but if we did we would share old tales and laugh. I won’t be able to do that with him where I am going, but I will live for the day I will be able to do it with you, my own brother.

* * *

I had a bit of a turn there waking up before the dawn and not seeing you sleeping beside me. But then I did see you and followed you on those wet steps to that pool. I didn’t want to take a dunking so I didn’t get too close, but I’ve found that Elanor and Frodo-lad have no such aversion. They love to splash in puddles, giggling and trying to see who get who the wettest. I smile at their antics for they are free to do so because of you, dearlove. I hope you somehow know of their joy for you made it possible. I am happy watching them and thinking of you and how you would be smiling if you could see them and looking up at me with pride and love.

I know your heart was torn by how that Gollum thought you did him a wrong behaving as you did, but he got much better than he would have if you hadn’t been there. He was already planning on betraying us so he could easily see someone betraying him. I would have shouted "Yes!" to Captain Faramir’s question whether they should have shot him or not. But then I would be guilty of speaking out of turn and using less wits and heart than you. You had it right. I shudder that we had to go such a long way with him, but I shudder even more to think of what would have happened if we hadn’t. I couldn’t save you at the Fire, but he did or something did. I think he was supposed for there for that very purpose, placed there and I would have ruined it. Still I sighed to think of him taken along again, knowing he was just looking for the right moment to turn us over to whoever that she was that he talked to himself about. My gaffer would say there’s no point in wondering about what could have or would have happened. Our Road had enough twists and turns in it as it was. I won’t wander down darker paths, not leastways without you holding my hand. I would go anywhere with you, but the tales we will tell each other next will be brighter ones. I don’t imagine there are any dark roads to walk upon where you are, unless it be under the stars and those will not be dark but beautiful for I will be walking them with you.