Chapter Fifty-One:  Perfect Little Orc

Oh, Sam, how you have always, always taken care of me, from the first moment I met you. It is my most fervent desire that I will somehow still able to know that you are, even when we are apart. You have been such a part of my heart and soul that I don’t doubt that somehow we will still be together, or at least so I hope. I have cried many a night already, dreading this departure that I wish need not be, but also knowing that is must be if I have any hope of becoming whole again instead of this vast emptiness that you and Merry and Pippin have tried so hard to fill. It is not your fault that it cannot be, not here at least. One day I will dream of you coming back to me, across the Sea. One day it will be more than a dream and I will see you with my waking eyes again, on white shore brighter than anything we have ever seen.

Until then, my dearest brother, my best self, I will remember every bit of the care you have given me. How you lent me your cloak in the tower, how you fed me and gave me water and rest in your arms or holding my hand, just to let me know that you were with me. How you have done that so many, many times over the years. How many times Merry and Pippin have done the same things. How much care I have received from so many. You would wonder how could I remember each moment, but I will spend my days in the West, healing and thinking of you and my brother-cousins and our brother, the King, and I will wrap my arms and my heart around those memories until I can wrap them around you again.

I was so afraid for you when you left to make sure we could leave the tower ‘in Mordor-fashion’ as you called it. I was afraid of being left alone again, afraid for you being captured. To distract myself, I looked into every bit of my prison room in the tower. Soon I will be left without you once more and it will be much longer this time. It may be that I will not see you again. But I refuse to believe that or try to refuse. I am haunted by that fear but even that is not enough to stop me. I have become just as aware of the prison that I am in now and I long to be free. I will be by the time you come to me, my Sam, and I know you will be part of the reason for that. I promise you. All the torment that this separation will cause us will not be for naught. It will have a purpose. It will have a reward. You will see it yourself I hope. Until then, I will work on it so I will be ready when you come.

It is another earnest desire of mine that you will know of it in your heart before you see it with your eyes so you will be able to share it with Merry and Pippin and give some ease to their own pain and wondering. Oh, my most beloved brothers, why must I cause you all this agony just in the hope of relieving my own? Wouldn’t it be better if I just stayed and bore it as I bore the burden so long already? I wish I was strong enough to do that. I wish I could just stare into the eyes of you three and be held by you and hold you and listen to your soft songs and feel the strokes of your hands. But the relief all that offers, though complete for that moment or those hours, does not linger afterwards and I am thrown back down into the pit. I cannot keep doing that. And I cannot even tell you why I am leaving. I do not have the courage to do even that. Please forgive me, my brothers. Please forgive me. You refused to leave me alone on my dangerous Road, but I am leaving you. You cannot follow this time. Oh, how I wish you could! All of you. But that is too much to ask, even if I could.  I am glad that you, my Sam, are being given the chance to come, for it is giving me the strength to leave, though I regret the reason for that allowance.  The Ring stung your heart just as it has ripped mine to shreds. I am forever grateful you took so little hurt from it, but still there has been hurt and you will feel it as the years pass and the longing for a cure will grow.  I am sorry that I will not be there to help you in the beginning, but I so long to be there at the end.

* * *

You seem that far away at times, love, but so near other times. I’ve stared across the Sea, but other times just across the garden. I felt you there the other day. I know I did and no one will ever tell me otherwise. You held my hand and I know it was yours because I know it as well as I know Rose’s or one of the bairns. Elanor was taking care of her own little plot in a corner and our Frodo was helping or leastways trying to. He hasn’t entirely grasped what is a flower and what is a weed yet and sometimes pulls up the wrong thing, but he’s learning. Rosie-lass is just beginning to toddle around and her mum is expecting our fourth. I wish you could see them all, dear. I think at times you are aware of them somehow. For I was missing you something fierce that day and then I felt your hand in mine and my fingers curled around yours and I just closed my eyes and let myself feel how wonderful that was. It became so real to me that I was that tempted to open my eyes and see you standing there, smiling so lovingly at me, shining so bright, but I knew you weren’t really there that I can see with eyes other than the ones in my heart where I’ve always seen you, no matter how far apart we are. I’ve seen you there even before I met you, for Mr. Bilbo’s love for you kindled a love in me that continues to grow even now.

A perfect little orc I called you in the Tower, but far truer you are a perfect little Elven hobbit. I’ve seen you so much at home there in the West, almost as though it was your true home and not the Shire at all, but somehow that don’t seem quite right either. Mr. Bilbo did always say the Road goes ever on and on and I think there is still more of the Road ahead for both of us. I dreamed of that last night. I just saw the backs of you and me, together on that Road, hand-in-hand like we always used to do, walking in a great light and toward a greater one. It was so right, so real. I know it will happen one day.

You will be laughing and smiling and joking. You don’t know how much good that did to my heart to hear you ask me in the tower if I had inquired about inns along the way. We had both suffered so much and you had the strength and heart to joke! I remember that and all your unexpected laughter when the other memories press too hard. If you could do that even then, then I can turn my tears now into smiles, just like I did in the garden today. I opened my eyes when Elanor came up to me and asked me why I was crying. You squeezed my hand and I saw your smile in my heart. The wind brushed at my curls as though you were kissing me goodbye then you left and I was back in the garden and staring down at my little lass. I smiled at her and took her in my arms. We held each other for a long time. I told her not all tears were sad tears. Some were very happy ones. Thank you, dear. I love you that much. I can’t wait to see you again.