Chapter Fifty-Three: Holding onto Hope

Oh, my Sam, it was such a blessing to wake with your hand holding mine. My dreams had been evil and waking from them was no different than sleeping. Except for one thing. I saw you. I felt your hand. I had dreamt of being lost in the Fire and still I wander there, alone, afraid, without hope, burning without respite. But through the flames at times I could see you, calling to me, loving me through the pain and I could move a bit further along because of you. You are still doing that and still I seek you. My hope had long disappeared but I kept going because you were with me. I do that even now. Even as I will soon move away from you, I hope in the end, it will be mean moving back to you.

I listened as you told me of Gollum’s attack and Shelob’s and the terrifying hunt among the orcs for me. What terrible horrors have you had to endure because of me! Don’t think I don’t hear you cry out at night at times for I lay in bed and weep for it. I would go to you, but when I do, Rose is there already, comforting you and you sobbing in her arms, unable to hold it in anymore. What a gift she is you, my Sam. What a tremendous gift. Just as you have been to me. I knew already as you were telling me all the deeds you had done that there was nothing I could do or say to make up for your great bravery so I merely squeezed your hand in thanks. There were no words that were adequate then or now so express what filled and still fills my heart, what sorrow that you had to bear so much on your own; what love; even what pride and joy that I had you as my friend, my brother, my own heart and soul as much as part of me as those I share blood with, perhaps even more. But you shouldn’t have been burdened by such a load of horrors as you had. Neither should have Merry or Pippin. I wish I could have borne it all myself so none of you were hurt.

That is why I left - so no one would have to suffer. I told Gandalf I would be guardian of the Ring, no matter what it did to me. So little did I know what it could and would accomplish in me. Yet, I would have taken even more hurt from it, had I been able to protect you three, dearer to me than my own life. And soon I must leave. What did I leave for in the first place - it was to safeguard the Shire and all those in it, to safeguard the whole people of Middle-earth. I was called to do that. But what did I accomplish? It had to be done for me. I awaited capture all along that terrible Road and though we escaped more than once, I know I am still caught and you choose still to follow me along my path. Though you stand in the light and could do so fully, you choose also to remain in my darkness, so you can be with me. How can I bless you the way you’ve blessed me?

It is good I did not know you were denying yourself more water and food so I could have some. I would have never allowed it. I see how happy you are now whenever I can finish what you and Rose serve, how tirelessly and lovingly creative you two are in trying to stimulate my appetite. I want to see you happy, my Sam. It was never my intention to cause pain but here I am soon to cause the worst pain of all. I stumbled until I couldn’t move so determined I was to get to the Mountain. I didn’t even hope I could do that, only to keep moving, to get as close as I could before it all proved vain. I had no hope of returning home. But we did and now I must walk away from the Shire because I have not been able to walk away from the Mountain. The Sea calls me, Sam. How I long to lose myself in those waters and clear away all the filth that remains in me!

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How did you do it, dear? How could you go so long without hope? I couldn’t have borne it myself. I held your hand while we slept and I knew that I was holding hope. You may not have felt it yourself and how I longed to give you it, but I felt it myself because of you. Do you have any idea what it was like to watch you struggle on? I have loved you all my life, more and more all the time and it hasn’t stopped even now and I know it never will, but sometimes I feel it was never stronger than it was while we toiled on the way to the Mountain. I had asked the Lady for light and water and I had gotten my wishes. I had seen my star. And every moment, I saw you. I never told you how many times I asked the Lady to keep watch over you, over us. I know she did. It was more than that phial she gave you to bring us light.

We watched you while you slept on the way to the Havens and we both marveled at how you shone in the moonlight, like a bright Elven child, but also a hobbit. I hated to take my eyes off you and it was no little wonder that the Lady had trouble too doing that. I wonder what she thought sometimes when she looked at you, so fair, yet so hurt. I know there were tears at times for you. I know she saw mine. I saw the Lord Elrond looking at you the same way and Mr. Bilbo. I think you knew how very beloved you were by all of us. You slept each night like you did even in Mordor, content and unafraid. You were with those who loved you and you knew you were being watched over, even as you watched over us. Sometimes I’d wake during that journey and I’d see you watching me or watching the stars. If you noticed me, you’d come over and kiss my head and hold my hand. Never did you speak, but you didn’t need to. You leaned your head on my shoulder and sometimes would fall asleep like that, still holding my hand. How wonderful it was to feel that, just like I did while we were going to the Fire. How many other times had we gone out to see the stars at night before the Shadow entered our lives and you would fall asleep against my shoulder after telling me all the stories of the stars?

I feel you watching over me even now. Do you feel me, my love, watching over you?