63: Back at the Encampment

Arafinwë watched his son head off in search of Glorfindel and Sador with his four companions and smiled somewhat wistfully.

"What’s the matter?" Olwë asked, noticing his son-in-law’s expression.

Arafinwë shook his head. "He couldn’t wait to go after them," he said.

"Ah....," was Olwë’s only comment.

Arafinwë glanced at Olwë and smiled. "Is that all you have to say?"

"Did you want me to point out the obvious?" Olwë enquired.

"And what is that?" Arafinwë asked.

"You wish you were going after Glorfindel and Sador as well," Olwë replied, giving him a shrewd look.

Arafinwë had the grace to blush. "I’m that obvious?"

"It’s all right, yonya," the older ellon said with a sympathetic smile. "I would like to do the same, but you and I both know that our place is here while the young ones go off to have adventures."

"Too true," Arafinwë said ruefully. Then he shook his head as if to clear it of his thoughts and looked about the encampment. He smiled to see Amarië, Alassiel and Manwen sitting together in front of their pavilion laughing over something one of them had said. There was the usual bustle of servants and guards going about their business, but he noticed that Eregil and Celepharn were standing around looking a bit lost. Haldir was with them, studiously not looking at his atar, who was just as studiously not looking at anyone at all, standing beside the king’s standard and ignoring everyone and everything around him.

Arafinwë sighed. "Time to mend some fences and keep the Reborn too occupied to get into trouble," he muttered as he rose from his chair. Olwë stood as well.

"You deal with your subjects and I’ll take Celepharn and Eregil in hand," he said.

Arafinwë nodded and the two moved to where the three Reborn were standing. They looked up as the two kings approached, giving them their obeisance, the two younger ellyn looking suddenly nervous. Arafinwë spoke first. "Haldir, I think it time you and your atar and I had a talk."

Haldir paled slightly but gave Arafinwë a bow. "If that is your wish, lord."

"That is my wish," Arafinwë said with a smile. "Come. I would see you and your atar reconciled with one another. It will make for a more pleasant time for all of us." With that, he gestured for Haldir to join him. The ellon sighed, gave the other two Reborn a grimace and followed Arafinwë to where Pelendur was standing.

Olwë, in the meantime, smiled at the other remaining Reborn. "I understand you are both recently released from Lórien," he said.

"Yes, lord," Celepharn answered, keeping his eyes on the ground before him, not willing to look into the eyes of the Telerin king.

Olwë tilted his head as if in thought, then put a finger under Celepharn’s chin, forcing him to look up. Eregil just stood there in silence, casting a sympathetic look at his friend. "You have a Sindarin name but you are clearly Noldorin," he commented.

"I... I prefer it to my Quenya name," Celepharn replied softly.

"Under whose banner did you join in the Rebellion?" Olwë asked.

"Lord Celegorm," he replied and when Olwë gave him a puzzled look, clearly unfamiliar with the name, he added, "You would know him better as Turcafinwë."

Olwë’s eyes widened and his expression darkened somewhat with remembered pain. "I see," was all he said as he dropped his hand, releasing Celepharn, though the ellon did not now lower his gaze. Olwë stared at him for another moment or two, noticing the same conflicted look he had seen in other Reborn, especially among the Noldor. He realized that it was not so much an indication of shame for their past deeds as it was uncertainty that they would ever be accepted by others in spite of those deeds. For the Returnees, he suspected, this was even more a problem, for at least the Reborn had the experience of passing through Death and Judgment to Forgiveness and Acceptance by the Valar, but even so, the rejection of some of their own people must weigh heavily upon them. He stole a glance to where even now Arafinwë was speaking to Pelendur and Haldir and sighed. Then he turned his attention back to the two ellyn before him and gave them a smile.

"I would like to introduce you to my own guards," he said to them, "so you will know who is who and then perhaps you will tell me about yourselves. Do you have kin here on Tol Eressëa, do you know?"

The two ellyn gave one another uncertain glances and then Celepharn spoke, clearly confused. "You... you are not going to... to yell at me?"

Olwë looked surprised at the unexpected question. "Why should I yell at you?" he asked. "Did you do something that requires my yelling at you?" He was suddenly reminded of when his own children were very young and had asked a similar question.

Now Celepharn lowered his gaze, looking very young to Olwë. "I...I was at Alqualondë...."

"All judgments are rendered, all debts paid," Olwë quoted softly, remembering the words Findaráto had spoken in describing his own Judgment to him. "Is that not what the Valar say at the end of each Judgment?"

Both Reborn nodded, their eyes wide in surprise at hearing him quoting Lord Námo.

"Then, what is true for the Valar must be true for us all," Olwë continued. "I will admit that it took a long time for me to forgive what happened, and I almost came too late to the realization that my hatred and anger were self-destructive, but come to it I did and I have endeavored to put aside my grief and help my people to forgive what happened. I cannot say that I’ve been entirely successful, but I think in time we will be able to put that sorry event behind us. When Lord Námo began releasing the Teleri who had been slain, we who were there to welcome them learned quickly and to our dismay that they held no animosity toward their slayers. It was a sobering revelation and not all have been able to accept it."

He paused to let his words sink in and then he gestured for them to follow him. "Come. If you are to effectively guard our encampment, you should be introduced to the Telerin guards with whom you will share the watches." He led them toward where a number of warriors from both clans were congregated. "My chief guard is Elennen," Olwë continued. "He and Arafinwë’s chief guard, Calandil, share the captaincy and you will answer to them both...."

****

Arafinwë, with Haldir in tow, approached Pelendur who noticed them and stiffened. The king raised a hand to stay him. "We need to talk, the three of us," he said softly. "Come. Let us adjourn to my pavilion where we will have some privacy."

He did not bother to see if Pelendur obeyed him but made his way purposefully toward the center of the encampment where the pavilions of the two kings were situated. As he gestured for Pelendur and Haldir to proceed him into the pavilion he took a moment to glance to where Olwë was speaking to Celepharn and Eregil. He was aware of Celepharn’s history, for Findaráto had confided in him and wondered how Olwë would react upon learning it. He gave a mental shrug, realizing that it really was not his concern, then he entered the pavilion where the two who were his concern at the moment were standing, looking uncertain, the tension between father and son almost thick enough to cut with a knife.

"Please sit, both of you," he said, gesturing to where a dining table was set up along one side of the pavilion as he went to a sideboard on the other side and poured some wine into goblets, handing them to the two ellyn before taking his own seat. Father and son were sitting facing one another across the table while Arafinwë sat at the head. He sipped on his wine for a moment or two, watching the two ellyn not look at each other.

"I think it’s time to put a stop to this," he finally said, putting his goblet down. "Pelendur, you’ve had plenty of time to think about things and I had hoped you would return to us willing to reconcile with your son. It grieves me to see a family divided in this manner."

Pelendur shrugged. "I do not think, your Majesty, that I am the only person in Tirion who will not welcome back a wayward son or daughter."

"True, but we’re not talking about them," Arafinwë pointed out, "we’re talking about you. You are a member of my council and as such you are held to a higher standard of conduct. Your refusal to accept Haldir...."

"His name is Hallatiro," Pelendur interrupted, casting a dark look at his son who simply sat there staring at the table.

"His name is whatever he chooses it to be," Arafinwë replied, his tone and his expression cold, "or will you deny your son the right of essecilmë that you accord to others?"

Pelendur grimaced, but did not otherwise contradict the Noldóran. Arafinwë took another sip of wine as he looked at Haldir who was still staring at the table, seemingly ignoring them, though the set expression and the thinning of his lips told a different tale.

"As I was saying," the king continued, "as you are a member of my council I expect better from you. Others look to you to gauge their own responses and if they see that you will not welcome your son back, then they assume they can act accordingly where their own kin are concerned, whether Reborn or Returnee. That is an untenable situation, as far as I’m concerned."

"He defied me," Pelendur said with a scowl. "I forbade him from going and he defied me."

"Was he an elfling at the time?" Arafinwë asked, knowing full well the answer to that question.

"No, he wasn’t," Pelendur averred with some reluctance, "though he certainly was acting like one."

"Many of us were," Arafinwë said with a wry twist of his lips, "including, I might add, myself."

Now both father and son looked up at the king in surprise. Arafinwë nodded. "Oh yes. I acted in ways unbecoming of a lord of Eldamar. Not necessarily when we left Tirion, but afterwards, when I returned. I made certain assumptions and acted in a manner unbefitting a king."

Pelendur frowned. "I don’t remember anything you did...."

"It wasn’t what I did, so much as what I didn’t do," Arafinwë said with equanimity.

"I do recall that you were absent from Tirion for some time," Pelendur said. "Eärwen was acting as your regent."

"Yes," Arafinwë said. "Never having had any real experience in governing our people, Lord Manwë felt it prudent to take me as his apprentice. I spent most of the time of the Darkening by his side."

Pelendur nodded. "I know that when you did return to us you ruled wisely and well, though your style of kingship differed greatly from how your atar ruled. I had my doubts at first, but soon came to appreciate what you were doing and have supported you all these long years since."

"For which I am grateful," Arafinwë said sincerely. "Which is why this intransigence of yours puzzles and grieves me. I would think my own example of welcoming Findaráto back would be the model for others."

"But your son did not willfully defy you," Pelendur said, "and that is something I cannot forget or forgive."

Arafinwë turned to Haldir. "What do you have to say about all this, son?" he asked gently.

Haldir sighed. "I was of age, and well beyond it," he replied. "I neither needed nor looked for approval of my actions from anyone. I did what I did because I felt it was the right thing to do... at the time."

"Following Fëanáro and killing your own kin was the right thing to do?" Pelendur sneered.

Haldir turned absolutely white and stood up so abruptly that he jostled the table, upsetting the goblets. Wine spilled from his goblet and spread across the table. Arafinwë and Pelendur were quick enough to grab their own goblets in time. Arafinwë scowled.

"Sit down, Haldir," he commanded. "Pelendur, go find a rag to clean this up."

Haldir sat even as Pelendur stood. He rummaged about the sideboard and drew out a piece of cloth from a drawer, then wiped the wine from the table. Arafinwë, meanwhile, poured some more wine in all their goblets. When Pelendur resumed his own seat, Arafinwë gave him a dark look.

"Your son is not guilty of Kinslaying, Pelendur," he said. "Not all of us were following Fëanáro, and he reached Alqualondë with his people well before the rest of us. Haldir, I believe was following Turucáno’s banner and he forbade any of his people from joining in, either for Fëanáro or for the Teleri."

"Still, in the end, what did it get you?" Pelendur demanded of Haldir.

"What it got me was Gwilwileth, who is my beloved wife. What it got me was a sense of purpose and belonging and the respect of my Lord Glorfindel, for I became a member of his House and was one of his trusted captains. What it got me was a life of my choosing, rather than one of yours."

"And still you died," Pelendur retorted, not willing to acknowledge Haldir’s words.

Haldir gave him a sardonic smile. "More an accident than anything. We were already in the pass that would see us to safety. Lord Glorfindel and his people, including me, were the rearguard. The line of refugees was strung along the path leading into the pass for nearly a mile and my lord feared that the enemy would overtake us if the line did not move more quickly. He sent me ahead to speak with Lord Tuor. I was making my way toward the front when our worst fears were realized. Suddenly boulders were being thrown down upon us from above. One of them hit me. I was on the edge of the path and simply fell into the chasm below." He paused, his expression reflective. Arafinwë sat motionless, enthralled by Haldir’s tale. Even Pelendur eschewed making any comment. Then, with a sigh, Haldir continued speaking.

"I think I must have died almost instantly," he said. "I remember hearing shouting and then something struck me on the head and for an instant there was excruciating pain that was gone almost before my mind could register it. Then, from somewhere, I heard my name being called and then... and then I was... I was in Mandos, staring into the face of Lord Námo with no idea how I had gotten there."

Silence reigned within the pavilion. Arafinwë vaguely heard the sounds and voices of others in the encampment, but ignored them. He stared at Haldir compassionately and reached over to place a hand on the ellon’s arm. Haldir looked up.

"Glorfindel told me something similar," Arafinwë said softly. "He told me he had to hold Gwilwileth back, for she would have followed you into the chasm if he hadn’t."

Haldir blanched at that. "She... she never told me," he whispered.

"You have Glorfindel to thank for saving her, though he did not himself live too much longer after your own fall."

Haldir nodded, then looked at his atar. "I regret that I disappointed you, Atto, but you wanted for me what I did not want for myself. I do not regret leaving, for in doing so, I found myself and became the person I wished to become. I’m sorry you do not approve, but I will not stop being who I am just to please you. Emmë has forgiven me and welcomes Gwilwileth as my wife. I hope, in time, you can do the same, but I will not live the rest of my life running after you and begging you to accept me back into your life."

"I had such hopes for you," Pelendur said quietly. "I wanted only the best for you and all I saw was you throwing it all away on a whim."

"Not a whim, Atto," Haldir insisted. "I went from an honest desire to see new lands and to carve out a life for myself. Tirion, indeed all of Eldamar, was becoming too small for me and I wanted more."

For a moment or two no one spoke, then Pelendur gave Haldir a wistful look. "Were you... happy?"

Haldir nodded. "Yes, I was. In spite of our exile, many of us were content with what we had. Gondolin thrived for three hundred and eighty-five years and in that time I was the happiest I had ever been, especially when I found Gwilwileth. We were married only a short while before the end came, but now we have all the ages of Arda in which to be together." He paused for a moment and gave his atar a small shy smile. ""We’ve even been talking about... um... starting a family of our own."

Pelendur raised an eyebrow at that and cast a glance at Arafinwë who sat there smiling. "Don’t you think you should wait to have elflings until you’re no longer one yourself, son?" the Noldóran couldn’t help asking.

Haldir chuckled and blushed. "Gwilwileth thinks that having the responsibility of raising a child will help hasten my own maturity."

Arafinwë nodded, pursing his lips. "Your wife is very wise. She endured much in the centuries that followed your death, from what she’s told me. I would not discount her idea out of hand. I think, though, you should wait a little longer. You’ve only been out of Lórien for less than a year. There is plenty of time for making elflings." He winked and Haldir couldn’t help laughing, nodding in acknowledgment of Arafinwë’s words.

Pelendur gave his son a small smile. "Your amillë will be happy if you do have elflings," he said. "I know she despaired of ever seeing any children of yours when you left."

"And you, Atto?" Haldir asked quietly. "Will you welcome any child Gwilwileth and I bring forth?"

Pelendur scowled, shaking his head. "I don’t know," he replied.

"An honest enough answer," Arafinwë said, seeing Haldir’s face fall. "I asked you to join me on this Progress, Pelendur, in the hope that you and your son will take some time to get to know one another again. Do you think you can put aside your animosity long enough to see Haldir as he is, not as you wished he could have been? And you, Haldir, can you give your atar the time and space he needs to come to terms with who you are now?"

Haldir nodded. "I will try if you will, Atto," he said, looking intently at Pelendur.

Pelendur did not speak, but he nodded his head. Arafinwë smiled. "Good. That is all I ask, that you both try. It is important to me that you two reconcile one with the other, not only for your own sakes but also for the sake of our people. We need to end these false divisions that are tearing our society apart and I think your reconciliation will go a long way toward healing those divisions."

Then he stood and the other two ellon stood as well. "So, let us see if my son has returned yet. I don’t fancy sending out a second party to rescue him as well as Glorfindel and Sador." He gave them a sardonic grin and the other two chuckled.

"I’ll head the next party that goes out," Haldir said. "I know this land almost as well as Gilvagor."

Arafinwë nodded as he left the pavilion with Pelendur and Haldir following. "Ah... but it looks as if you won’t have to, for see," he pointed eastward, "here comes Findaráto with our lost lambs. And it looks as if they brought not only dinner but guests as well. Shall we go greet them?"

Pelendur and Haldir grinned and nodded and the three made their way through the encampment towards the returning ellyn even as others were doing the same.

****

Essecilmë: (Quenya) ‘Name-choosing’, an Eldarin ceremony in which an elf chooses a name for him- or herself based on personal lámatyávë, or sound-taste.

Historical note: According to the Silmarillion, Turgon spent 52 years secretly building Gondolin, after being led by Ulmo to the hidden vale of Tumladen shortly after the Dagor Aglareb (Glorious Battle) which occurred in First Age 75. Gondolin fell in 512.

Haldir’s death is described from Glorfindel’s point-of-view in my story, ‘Morituri’, found in my Tales from Vairë’s Loom series.