142: Sador

Sador was still staring at the spot where Lord Oromë had been sitting when there was a knock on his door. Before he could decide if he wanted to respond, the door opened and Finrod peeked in.

"Sador?" he asked and then stepped inside followed by Glorfindel, Beleg, Ingwion, Alassiel and Amarië.

He gave them an incurious look, saying nothing as they shuffled in and stood before him, their expressions mostly ones of concern. Alassiel came forward and sat down beside him, stroking his hair. "Are you well, Sador?" she asked, but when he didn’t respond, she gave Finrod an anxious look.

Finrod sat opposite them and Glorfindel joined him while Ingwion pulled up a chair for Amarië, then went over to the bed and sat. Beleg simply crouched next to Amarië, perfectly comfortable sitting on his heels with his arms wrapped around his legs.

"Tell us how you are feeling, gwador," Finrod said when everyone was settled.

Sador looked at him and tried to formulate some kind of answer, but he was too conflicted to speak coherently. He finally answered with a shrug and turned to gaze down at the courtyard below him.

"Please, Sador," Alassiel pleaded, "don’t shut us out."

He turned to look at her. "You knew, didn’t you?"

She gave him a nod, guilt and some other emotion in her eyes. He couldn’t quite figure out what it was and found he didn’t care.

"You all knew," he said, turning to Finrod and the others. "You all knew and you didn’t tell me."

Finrod nodded, looking chagrined. "We thought it best...."

"Best?" Sador hissed, becoming angrier by the minute. "Best for whom? Me? To keep me in the dark until the last minute? Why? So I would be unable to refuse? Do you hate me so much that this was your way of getting rid of me?"

The shock on everyone’s faces would have been funny if the situation weren’t so serious.

"Hate you?" Finrod said in a pained voice. "Sador, no one hates you. Why would you think that?"

"You obviously couldn’t be bothered to treat me as an adult," Sador continued, paying no attention to Finrod’s question. "No one could be bothered to approach me and ask for my opinion."

"You would have refused if we had," Glorfindel said.

Sador glared at him. "And do I not have that right?"

"But you didn’t, not in the end," Alassiel pointed out.

"Only because none of you gave me a choice," Sador snarled. "Everyone from Lord Manwë on down knew what Eärendil was about, everyone but me. So, what am I to think? You either hate me, or you don’t trust me, or both."

"Of course we trust you, Sador," Amarië said in an exasperated tone, "otherwise we wouldn’t have considered you as Cáno."

"But you didn’t trust me enough to ask first!" Sador yelled as he leapt up, his hands clenched at his sides.

"Sador, sit down," Finrod ordered and such was the force of his command that the ellon reluctantly did so, though when Alassiel tried to put her arm around his shoulders he sidled away from her, moving closer to the window. He ignored her hurt look as he glared at them all. Finrod sighed. "Sador, we don’t hate you and we don’t mistrust you. We love you and...."

"You have a funny way of showing it," Sador muttered angrily.

"We want only the best for you," Finrod continued, ignoring the interruption.

"Sending me away from... from the only family I have left is the best for me?" Sador exclaimed, forcing back the tears that threatened to fall. "How can that be the best for me? How can you say you love me when you don’t want me anymore?" Now the tears began to fall in earnest. Finrod leaned over to take one of Sador’s hands.

"Of course we want...."

"No you don’t!" Sador screamed, jerking his hand away. "You don’t want me anymore. Th-that’s why you hide away in Lórien and that’s why Glorfi ran away to Aewellond and that’s why B-beleg stays in Alqualondë. You all l-left me and now you want me to b-be Cáno so I have to leave Atar and... and Ammë... and An-anammë." He brought his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, hiding his face, a ball of misery as he continued weeping.

He vaguely heard the door opening again and then someone was speaking, though he paid no attention to the words. Without looking up he felt Alassiel leave his side and he thought Finrod and Glorfindel left as well, but he didn’t care. Then the door closed and he thought he was alone, only, when he looked up through tear-blurred eyes, it was to see Arafinwë standing there looking at him with great tenderness. They were alone. Sador wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Wh-where did everyone go?" he asked.

Arafinwë moved to sit next to him though he was careful not to try to touch him. "I sent them away," he answered gently. "I could hear you yelling at them from the other side of the house and decided they weren’t helping."

"S-sorry," Sador whispered, looking chagrined.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, yonya," Arafinwë said with a sad smile. "It is we who are sorry. We never meant to upset you this way."

"Why couldn’t you tell me, warn me?" Sador demanded. "Why does everyone treat me like... like an elfling? I bet if they wanted Beleg to be Cáno they would have asked first."

"Ah... so that’s it," Arafinwë said with a nod.

Sador gave him a puzzled look. "What?"

Arafinwë didn’t answer immediately, merely looking upon him with grave sympathy. Sador forced himself not to fidget. In some ways, Atar Arafinwë reminded him rather uncomfortably of the Valar, the way he seemed to be able to see straight into your fëa. There was no judgment in his eyes, merely understanding and... compassion. Sador had to look away and let his eyes settle on the fountain in the courtyard below them.

"Sador, look at me," Arafinwë finally said and Sador reluctantly complied. "I know you are upset, hurt and confused by what has happened. I would have been worried if you weren’t."

"Huh? I mean...."

Arafinwë smiled and reached over to take Sador into his embrace, wrapping his arm around the ellon’s shoulders to give him a hug. Sador did not resist. "If you had eagerly accepted the position of Cáno and had been all smiles, anxious to get on with it, I would have had serious doubts as to the rightness of choosing you. The fact that you are huddling in your room accusing your own otornor of perfidy against you tells me a different story."

"I don’t understand," Sador said meekly.

"I don’t expect you to, yonya," Arafinwë replied. "Do you know that I fought tooth and nail not to be Noldóran?"

The question was so unexpected that Sador just gaped at him. Arafinwë nodded. "I never wanted the crown. When I decided to turn back from the rebellion, I fully expected the Valar to appoint another to lead the Noldor who remained behind. I figured the last thing they would want was a scion of the House of Finwë to wear the crown when it was the House of Finwë that led the rebellion against their authority."

"Who did you want them to choose?" Sador asked, intrigued in spite of himself.

Arafinwë chuckled. "I didn’t care. It could have been anyone, preferably someone who had remained behind, like Rialcar or Pelendur."

"But they chose you instead," Sador stated.

Arafinwë shook his head. "It wasn’t a question of choice. I was the son of Finwë and to no other would the Noldor look for their king, nor would the Valar sanction the choosing of another." He smiled. "Lord Manwë said I should consider it my punishment for leaving in the first place."

"So... I’m being punished?" Sador asked, blinking back tears, wondering what he’d done wrong.

Arafinwë shook his head. "No, Sador. You’re not being punished. Lord Manwë was merely jesting, though it took me some time to realize it. I was Noldóran for the simple reason that the Valar did not trust anyone else to lead the remnant of the Noldor. You have no idea how broken in spirit we were, especially those of us who left and then returned. We had lost the respect of the Teleri and the Vanyar and were looked upon with suspicion by the Valar, especially Lord Aulë. But by the same token, Lord Manwë knew that only I, as a son of Finwë, could do what was necessary to reclaim the self-respect of the Noldor, to raise them up from their sorrow and shame, to redeem them in the eyes of the other clans. It did not happen overnight, I assure you, and there were times when I despaired that it would ever happen, but it did happen and I know now that the Valar were correct: no one but I could have done it."

He gave Sador another hug and kissed him on the top of his head. "And that’s true for you. We chose you as Cáno not because we hate you or don’t want you with us anymore, but because we know that you are the best person for the job. You have the respect and admiration of all. You know when to speak and when to listen. Your being a Reborn gives you a perspective on things that we Once-born can never have. You know what it means to be a refugee, and let’s face it, everyone on Tol Eressëa is just that, so you can sympathize with them as they struggle to rebuild their lives. Beyond that, you have the respect of the rest of Aman. Even Ingwë finds you wise beyond your years and respects you. And then, there are the Valar."

"L-lord Oromë said I was his apprentice," Sador told him, giving him a shy look.

"When did he tell you this?"

"Earlier, just before Finrod and the others came looking for me," Sador replied. "We... we talked." He looked up at Arafinwë and frowned. "You knew, didn’t you? I mean about me being Lord Oromë’s apprentice."

Arafinwë shook his head. "Suspected, but until you told me just now I was not entirely sure."

"I don’t understand why I’m his apprentice, though," Sador sighed. "He didn’t stay long enough for me to ask."

Arafinwë chuckled. "The Valar are like that. They make a pronouncement that stuns you and then conveniently disappear so they don’t have to bother with explanations."

"Cowards," Sador whispered, giving Arafinwë a conspiratorial grin.

Arafinwë laughed and gave him another hug. "Careful, yonya. You don’t know who may be listening."

Now Sador looked about guiltily and Arafinwë smiled at him. "I wouldn’t worry about it, Sador. The Valar are not our masters. We have naught to fear from them. I do not know why Lord Oromë has chosen you as his apprentice, but he has and in due time he will explain his purpose in doing so. Much of our dealings with the Valar are based solely on faith."

Sador nodded and sighed. "Lord Oromë said I had been their choice all along, even before anyone had even thought about forming this Council and all."

"They have a slight advantage over us, in that they can see further into the future than we," Arafinwë stated. "So, the Valar were aware of this need before we were. Well, that does not surprise me. We Eldar are very good at ignoring what we do not wish to see until we are given no choice in the matter. In this instance, I fear I am most at fault."

"You?"

Arafinwë nodded. "Of the three High Kings, I am the only one to have dealt with the elves of Beleriand. I knew their plight. I witnessed their desperate courage against Morgoth. I saw how hard they strove to save what they could of their civilization. Yet, when they came to us, I could not bring myself to offer them aid. I, more than Olwë or Ingwë, allowed the events that have happened to happen. Had I taken an interest in the Tol Eressëans earlier, perhaps all this could have been avoided."

"So, I have you to blame for this," Sador whispered, not looking at Arafinwë.

"If you need someone to blame, yonya, then, yes, I am the one."

For several minutes they sat there in silence while Sador thought about what Arafinwë had told him. Arafinwë continued holding him, giving the ellon as much time as he needed. Finally, Sador stirred. "Lord Oromë said something about holding a ceremony at the New Year."

"I suppose some sort of ceremony of investiture must be created," Arafinwë averred. "We’ll be in the midst of Spring by then when all is new and blossoming again. A rather propitious time, don’t you think?"

Sador shrugged. "I guess," he muttered. "I just don’t want everyone fussing."

Arafinwë smiled, though Sador didn’t see. "Well, since it’s your ceremony, I think you can design it any way you please."

"I’m going to be all alone," Sador said in a small voice.

Arafinwë resisted a sigh. "No, yonya. You will not be alone. You will be surrounded by people whom you know and who know and love you. There will be Gilvagor and Brethorn and Ingwion and others as well. You may not have your otornor with you, but you don’t have them even now, for Findaráto, Glorfindel and Beleg all have their own lives to lead, just as you do. Yet, you are never far from their thoughts as they are never far from yours."

"What will Anammë say when she finds out?" Sador then asked. "I don’t want to leave her and I’m still her apprentice, too." He paused and wrinkled his nose. "Can I have two masters at the same time?"

"When one of them is a Vala, yes," Arafinwë answered with a laugh. "As for Netilmírë... um... that’s a good question. I am sure she will be delighted to hear about your... er... promotion, but as for the rest," he shrugged, "I think something can be worked out."

"Maybe she’d like to come live with me," Sador suggested shyly. "Just for a little while, until I get settled."

Arafinwë smiled warmly. "We’ll ask her and see what she has to say. As it is, you’re going to have to find a place to live, once it’s decided where the Assembly should be located."

"Kortirion," Sador said firmly, moving out of Arafinwë’s embrace and straightening his shoulders. "It’s the most logical place, after all. We’ll have to find someplace to meet though. I don’t think the city’s council chamber would be appropriate."

"No, I agree with you there," Arafinwë said. "I wouldn’t worry about it right now though. Gilvagor or some other person will help find an appropriate place for the Assembly to meet and he can also help you find a place to live. You’ll need to have a large enough house for entertaining, as well as offices for your staff."

"Staff?" Sador exclaimed. "What staff?"

"Yonya," Arafinwë said with a smile, "you are now the Cáno-elect of Tol Eressëa. Your position is on par with mine. Trust me, you will need a staff, not only to oversee your household, but to oversee the day-to-day bureaucracy that runs the government."

"Who do I choose? How do I choose?" Sador asked, looking a bit frightened at the prospect.

"You choose wisely," Arafinwë replied. "You choose those whom you trust, but more importantly, you choose those whom you know will not be afraid to speak up against you and let you know where you have gone wrong."

"Do you have people like that?" Sador enquired.

Arafinwë nodded. "Why do you think I’ve tolerated someone like Selmacas on my Privy Council all these centuries? He does not always agree with me nor I with him but we have each other’s respect and I know that he will tell me what I need to hear, not just what I want to hear."

Sador thought about it for a moment. "So, I should choose people who don’t like me?"

"Selmacas is not my enemy, Sador. He is opinionated and arrogant, but he is also one of my canniest advisors. We are not friends, not the way Herendil and I are, for instance, but I do value him for his abilities. He is shrewd and wise in the ways of government. When I led the Eldar back to Beleriand during the War of Wrath, Selmacas was one of the people whom I entrusted to aid Eärwen in governing Tirion during my absence. We have our differences, but I have never known him to be anything less than loyal to me and to the crown." He stopped and gave his ward a shrewd look. "Who would you like to accompany you to Tol Eressëa?"

Sador gave him a blank look. "What do you mean? Won’t everyone on my staff be from Tol Eressëa?"

"No. That would be both impractical and foolish."

"I don’t understand."

"No one is expecting you to give up everyone you know and love to become Cáno, Sador," Arafinwë explained. "While logistically speaking the bulk of your household staff should come from amongst the Tol Eressëans, none of the Council members who will now comprise the Assembly are so naive that they would expect you to not bring your own small cadre of supporters from Tirion or elsewhere. Ingwion will do the same thing: hire Tol Eressëans to supplement whatever household he brings with him from Vanyamar when he is finally sent to Tol Eressëa as the Valar’s emissary. It will be expected and no one will begrudge it, not from him or from you. So, who would you like to accompany you, assuming they are agreeable to it, for I will not order anyone to do so. I do not think you want anyone who is reluctant to go, do you?"

"No. At least, I don’t want anyone to be more reluctant to go than I am," Sador replied and Arafinwë chuckled at the attempted levity. "Well, if I can choose," the ellon continued, looking suddenly shy, "I would like Rúmillion and his cousins with me. They’re my closest friends."

"I think that’s an excellent idea and I don’t think they would decline the opportunity. Rúmillion is an able magistrate and well versed in all our laws and customs. Serindë, of course, is an able diplomat and she can continue guiding you and Mardillë will be a good choice to handle not only your personal finances but those of the government as well now that it will be centralized and you’ll have to deal with taxes and appropriations and the like. Anyone else?"

Sador shrugged. "A-Alassiel?"

Arafinwë raised an eyebrow. "Well, I suppose I should have seen that one coming. I’m sorry, Sador, but it’s not my call. Alassiel is Ingwë’s subject, not mine. She would need his permission and I do not see him granting it at this time. I know, I know. You both love each other. That is obvious, but yonya, trust me when I say that you’re going to be too busy this next year to deal with the emotional ups and downs of a romance. As it is, even if you are betrothed tomorrow, it will still be a year before you are actually married."

Sador sighed. "I know, or at least, I guess I know. Finrod said I was too young yet to be considering marriage."

"And my son is correct," Arafinwë said. "I have no doubt that your love for one another is sincere, but now is not the time. If you truly love one another, the time of waiting will not diminish that love; it will only deepen it."

"For how long must we wait, though?" Sador asked.

"Oh, I’m not saying you need wait as long as Findaráto and Amarië," Arafinwë replied with a sly grin which Sador echoed. "I think you should concentrate on your duties as Cáno for a few years. They should occupy you well enough. I hope you are not so naive as to believe that there will not be objections to your appointment, or that even those who elected you will not sometimes disagree with your decisions."

"No, I know better than that," Sador assured him and then nodded. "You’re right, of course. One thing at a time. If Alassiel and I are meant to be together, it will happen. We just have to have faith."

"As with all things in our lives," Arafinwë said. "Well, you think about it. There’s no real hurry. Speak with Findaráto. He will no doubt have some suggestions of his own. He knows my court almost as well as I do. And speak with Gilvagor. He can begin looking for an appropriate residence for you and making up a list of possible staff. We have two and a half months."

Sador nodded, then leaned back against the embrasure and sighed, closing his eyes. "Everything is so complicated," he said softly, as if speaking to himself. "Sometimes I long to be back in Mandos where everything was simple."

Arafinwë leaned over and patted him on the knee in sympathy. "I know, yonya, but just think of all the fun you’d have been missing if you were."

Sador opened his eyes in disbelief, but when he saw the twinkle of amusement in Arafinwë’s eyes, he snorted and muttered something in Sindarin that was not at all polite. Arafinwë started laughing and a moment later Sador was joining him.

And standing invisibly in a corner was Vanimeldë, still watching over her charge, smiling in satisfaction.