Elf Academy

Author’s Note: This story was inspired by some newspaper articles, which can be found online, describing the creation of an Elf Academy (Tonttuakatemia in Finnish) at the Lapland Vocational College in Rovaniemi, Finland [see, e.g,, ‘Tonttuakatemia: Yule school to teach Santa’s elves’, written by Agnieszka Flak, published on 19 December 2007 (Reuters)]. I was unable to find specific details concerning the Academy, but I wish to thank Thorsten Renk, who presently resides in Finland, for helping me find what information there was to be had about the types of courses taught at the Academy.

Obviously, this is very AU, written for the pure fun of it, and it is not to be taken too seriously. Northern Lights Community College is purely fictional. There is, however, a Wiseman, Alaska, situated about 200 miles north of Fairbanks. I have altered its population and its environs to suit the story, so there is no real correlation between the actual town and the fictional one other than their location.

All the Elves in this story are canon and were chosen because there is much ambiguity as to their ultimate fates, so I have decided that they survived into the present age. The Glorfindel in this story has the same history as the one in my Elf, Interrupted story, the only difference being that Glorfindel does not return to Aman during the Fourth Age. Mithrellas’ history (such as it is) is described in Peoples of Middle-earth, HoME XII, ‘VII. The Heirs of Elendil: The Line of Amroth’.

A note on capitalization: Whenever the Mortals, who do not believe in the existence of the Eldar, speak of the Elves, I indicate this by not capitalizing ‘Elf’ or ‘Elves’.

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1: Daeron’s Great Idea

“You have to be joking,” Glorfindel said, glaring at Daeron from across the dining table of the three-bedroom flat that he shared with the ellon, along with the sons of Elrond and two ellith.

“This is your great idea for finding us work?” Nimrodel, once of Lothlórien, demanded, shaking her head.

“Hey!” protested the erstwhile minstrel and chief loremaster of Elu Thingol. “You have a better idea, please enlighten us.”

“But... Elf Academy!?” Elladan Elrondion exclaimed, his eyebrows nearly disappearing into his hair. “What sort of nonsense is this?”

“It’s perfect for us, don’t you see?” Daeron pleaded. “They’re offering to teach people how to be Elves for the Christmas season. Look.” He tossed them several copies of a glossy four-color brochure on the front of which was a photograph of three Mortals, one of them dressed as Santa Claus and the other two, a young Man and Woman, dressed in red and green felt coats with pointy hats and boots. All three of them were smiling somewhat manically into the camera. Above the photograph in bold red letters were the words ELF ACADEMY.

The others glanced through the brochures. Glorfindel snorted as he began reading the inside blurb to himself:

‘PROFESSION: ELF! Santa is in dire need of help this coming Christmas season as many of his elves have come down sick with snow flu. So, why not become an elf for a month and help Santa out? Apply to the Elf Academy at Northern Lights Community College, Wiseman, Alaska. Classes begin August 3rd and will run for sixteen weeks. You are guaranteed employment if you successfully complete the course. Exams to earn a professional certificate are part of the program.’

The once Lord of the House of the Golden Flower of Gondolin looked up from the brochure to give Daeron a considering look. “So, let me get this straight,” he said. “We will be Elves pretending to be Mortals pretending to be Elves.”

Daeron smiled, nodding eagerly. “An elegant solution, don’t you think? Who better than Elves to play being Elves?”

There was a slight pause and then Glorfindel sighed, closing his eyes. “Now I know how Julie Andrews must have felt in ‘Victor/Victoria’.”

There was a snort of amusement from Elladan who turned to his twin brother. “Well, what do you think of Daeron’s great plan?”

Elrohir did not answer immediately as he continued to flip through the brochure. Finally, though, he looked up. “I think the whole thing is daft.” Daeron’s expression became crestfallen. Then, Elrohir grinned wickedly. “So let’s do it.”

“Are you serious?” Nimrodel asked in disbelief.

Elrohir shrugged. “Sure. Why not? It’s not as if any of the rest of us have come up with a better idea.”

“It will cost money to travel there, not to mention attending this Academy,” Glorfindel pointed out. “The whole idea was for us to find suitable employment.”

“How much more suitable can playing yourself be?” Daeron interjected. “And besides, if we sell our cars and just keep your mini-van we’ll have enough money for the application fees for all of us as well as money to get us there. The college also offers scholarships and loans for which we can apply once we’re accepted into the program.”

“I still don’t see how any of this benefits us,” Mithrellas, the last member of their group, said. She, too, had once been of Lothlórien, and was a devoted companion to her lady, Nimrodel. “Even if we do this, we’ll only end up being employed for a month, and then what?”

“This Academy is a new idea, the first of its kind,” Daeron explained. “We go to the Academy, get our certificates and work for the month, then we go to some other country, Finland, for instance, where this Santa Claus is supposed to be living and we set up our own Academy and train people to be Elves for the tourist industry there.”

The other five Elves glanced at one another, trying to gauge what each was thinking. Daeron sat there trying not to fidget. When he had first come across information on the Elf Academy while surfing the World Wide Web, he had dismissed it as a Mortal gimmick, but on a second glance he had seen the possibilities for them. They were probably the last of their kind in Middle-earth, the other Elves having either faded or sailed. They had somehow found one another over the course of the millennia. In recent years they had been sharing a flat while pursuing various types of employment. All was going well for them, but when, because of the recent economic bust, they had each become unemployed over the course of the last month or so, they had decided to find something they could do together. The Elf Academy was the perfect solution as far as Daeron was concerned. He only hoped the others would see it as the opportunity that it was for them all.

“Well?” he couldn’t help asking. “What do you think?” He gave them an anxious look.

Glorfindel, as the nominal leader of their group, glanced around the table. “It just might work,” he said.

“It’s daft enough, that’s for sure,” Elrohir added, “and it’s better than sitting around collecting unemployment checks.”

There were nods all around. “Well, then, all we need do is get hold of an application form,” Glorfindel said.

Daeron breathed a sigh of relief and then smiled, pulling out a bundle of papers from a briefcase. “I have a copy of the application form for each of us,” he said, handing the forms out along with pens.

Elladan chuckled as he started filling out the form. “Let’s just hope we all get accepted, otherwise, I don’t think there’s any point in doing it.”

“Agreed,” Glorfindel said as he glanced over the form in front of him. Then, he looked up and gave them all a wide grin. “Wouldn’t it be ironic if we get accepted to this Academy, take the classes and then fail the exams?”

They all started laughing. “That would be beyond embarrassing,” Mithrellas exclaimed.

Then, the room settled into silence as they began filling out the forms in the hope of being accepted to the Northern Lights Community College’s Elf Academy where they would spend sixteen weeks learning how to be what they already were — Elves.

****

Words are Eldarin.

Ellon: Male Elf. The plural is ellyn.

Ellith: Plural of elleth: Female Elf.