20: Dancing in the Rain

Between the shower and a salve that Barry gave him for his bruises, Alex was feeling less wobbly by the time they reached the kitchen. He tried to apologize for what he’d done, but Loren waved his apology away and simply pointed to the island where he dutifully sat and began cutting up tomatoes and cucumbers while the others bustled about with their own tasks. Roy and Dan came in shortly thereafter announcing the library had been put in order.

"Sorry," Alex said, trying to apologizing again. "I didn’t mean...."

"It’s all right, Alex," Loren said as he turned from the stove where he was stirring the sauce for the spaghetti. "As a friend of mine used to say, ‘no blood, no blame’. At least we’ve learned what was causing you to react as you have and have dealt with it. Now all we have to do is concentrate on those nightmares. Even with the warding, we can still sense your dreams are troubled."

Alex frowned as he lit the candle that Barry had placed on the island before he began cutting up an onion. "How do you know that? I don’t remember having any bad dreams last night."

"But you had them nonetheless," Ron said. "As to how we know...." He paused and Alex did not fail to see the questioning look he gave Loren or the slight shake of the head that Loren gave in answer. Ron turned back to Alex. "A discussion for another time. If you’re done cutting up the onion, you can toss the salad and put it on the table."

Alex recognized an evasion when he heard it and was ready to protest and demand answers, but something in the way Ron looked at him, in the way the others watched him, warned him that no answers would be forthcoming. He scowled, ready to simply refuse to do as he was bid and leave the house altogether. He could always find something to eat in town or go back to the college. Before he could say anything though, Ambrose came over and put a hand on his shoulder.

"You’re not ready to hear what we may have to say, son."

"How do you know?" Alex retorted.

Ambrose chuckled. "Because I know you, remember? I know you better than you know yourself. You can’t possibly appreciate what I did to you, how I destroyed your innocence, broke you down and rebuilt you into what and who you are today."

"You were training me," Alex said, feeling a little confused. "I don’t blame you for that. You did what you did to keep me alive and I’m grateful, truly."

"It still doesn’t change things," Ambrose said with a sigh. "Trust me when I tell you that you’re not ready for what we may have to say to you, but I promise that you will be soon. Just be patient."

"As if I have a choice," Alex snarled.

"You do have a choice, Alex," Loren said. "You may leave this house at any time before four o’clock Sunday afternoon, when Derek should be back from camping, and no one will stop you, but if you do, all chances of finding out the truth will be lost. If you leave now, you will not find the answers you are seeking. In fact, you will have no choice but to leave Wiseman altogether, for I will make sure everyone knows who you really are and why you’re really here. The decision is yours."

The absolute coldness of the man’s tone struck Alex to the core and he stared at Loren in shock. There was no give in his expression; his gaze was steely and implacable, and Alex knew he meant business. He stole a glance at the others looking on and saw the same expression on their faces, even Ambrose’s, though he thought he saw a hint of sorrow in his mentor’s eyes as well.

For a long eternal moment no one moved or spoke and Alex knew they were all waiting for his decision. He stared at the candle that was still burning, weighing all the consequences of what would happen if he did leave and he realized with cold certainty that if he left, if Loren did as he’d threatened — and he had no reason to believe otherwise — then his life was forfeit. He would have to go into hiding, become a rogue. The Agency could not afford to let him live otherwise. He glanced at Ambrose, who seemed to know what conclusions he’d come to, for the man nodded slightly.

He looked at Loren, standing by the stove with a wooden spoon in his hand, wearing a chef’s apron that had the words ‘Kiss Me. I’m Cooking’ across the front. He should have looked ridiculous, but there was nothing ridiculous about him. Alex intuitively sensed the power that the man kept hidden for the most part. He didn’t understand it, or what it meant, but he respected it.

"Don’t let the sauce burn," he said as he blew out the candle and picked up the salad bowl. There was a noticeable easing of tension all around and Loren gave him a brilliant smile that somehow made everything all right. Alex found himself smiling shyly back as he took the salad bowl into the dining room.

****

The rest of the evening was spent quietly. Conversations were general in nature and revolved mainly around domestic themes that might be heard in any household. Alex had thought to retire to his room after dinner, but the others convinced him to join them in going out to the Blue Petrel for a drink or two. It seemed to be a customary excursion on Friday nights. The only one in the household who was not there was Gil, for he’d gone with the campers.

"We take turns helping to chaperone along with the Rangers who accompany the students," Barry told him when he enquired. "I’ll be going next weekend."

The Blue Petrel itself was packed but somehow they were able to find a corner for themselves. Alex noticed the looks of respect on the faces of the other patrons and the warm greetings that were given when Loren and the others entered the establishment. And apparently, they’d been coming here often enough that the bartender simply started pouring a variety of drinks and setting them on a tray for one of the waitresses, who came over and handed each of them their drinks without hesitating.

"Sorry," Loren said to Alex. "If you give Maggie your order, she’ll be right back with it."

"An Amstel Light," Alex replied and with a nod the young woman walked away, returning shortly thereafter with Alex’s order. Pretzels and popcorn were already on the table, but she brought a couple more bowls for them, for they were a large group.

No one importuned them and they were left to themselves. Alex had half expected someone to ask Darren for a song, but apparently, since the man had not brought any musical instrument with him this time, it was understood that no songs would be forthcoming. As it was, there was already a local bluegrass band playing there and Alex and the others sat back and enjoyed the music.

They did not stay late and as they were returning home it began to rain again. "I’m so glad I’m not camping tonight," Alex said fervently and everyone laughed.

When they arrived at the mansion, the others bid Alex a good night. Roy and Dan joined him in the bedroom after he had gotten ready for bed, bringing with them a bowl of scented water with which they warded the bed itself.

"Hopefully, this will help," Dan said when they were done. "Have a good night." The two left and Alex crawled into bed, turning off the light. He did not fall asleep immediately, for he had much to think about, but eventually sleep took him and if he dreamed, he did not remember.

****

It was still raining when Alex awoke the next day. Making his way down to the kitchen, he encountered Loren who was toasting a bagel.

"We have an administrative meeting at nine o’clock and then I have to go teach," Loren said. "If the rain clears up, we plan to have a picnic later in the afternoon, otherwise, we’ll just eat in. Some of our friends will be joining us."

"I can go into town and get something there," Alex said.

Loren shook his head. "No. You’re more than welcome to eat here. Zach will be here and Nicole and her kids will be coming as well."

Alex nodded. "Then what should I do in the meantime?"

"You could spend the morning looking over the assignments you’ve missed this past week," Loren suggested. "After lunch, I think we should sit down and discuss certain matters, don’t you?"

Alex grimaced slightly. "I suppose. In all my years in this business this is the first time my cover’s been blown by anyone but myself. I’m not sure how to handle it or what it may mean."

"And that is something that needs to be addressed," Loren said. "In the meantime, continue as you have. If you have to send any reports in to your superiors, do so, though I would caution you not to let them know that we know. It can be dangerous for everyone concerned."

"I know, nor do I have any intention of letting anyone know. As it is, I’m not required to contact anyone while under cover except when I’m ready to make a bust. I’ve sometimes gone for months without contacting anyone. They will not find it unusual that I do not do so now, but Farrell does concern me. His presence and his insistence that he’s in charge is against all protocol and the fact that I wasn’t informed by the Deputy Director personally makes it all the more suspicious."

"Then we will address that situation as we can," Loren said, taking a bite of his bagel.

There was the sudden ringing of the front doorbell. "Ah... Duty calls," Loren said with a salute and sauntered out. Alex followed him out of curiosity but stopped in the hallway where he was unlikely to be noticed. A number of people were coming inside, shedding their rain gear and generally complaining about being wet even as Loren greeted them merrily, laughing, and saying a little rain never hurt anyone. He saw Zach and Phil Gordon but did not recognize anyone else.

"Well, as my mom used to say, ‘You’re not the Wicked Witch of the West. You won’t melt’," a young woman with oriental features said and everyone laughed.

Loren spoke to another young woman whose features looked familiar. "So how is your mother settling in?" he asked and Alex realized the woman must be Shane of the missing filling.

She rolled her eyes. "Don’t get me started, please. She was very upset that I didn’t come to meet her at the airport and then today you’d think I was a traitor or something because I was coming here instead of spending the morning listening to her complaining about everything under the sun."

"Well, bring her along tonight for the picnic," Loren said. "I’d like to meet her."

Then they were trooping down a different hallway that Alex knew led to what had been the billiards room but was now a conference room. No one seemed to notice him and when he heard the conference room close, he felt oddly alone and half-wished he could sit in on the meeting. Giving himself a shrug, he went back to the kitchen to finish his breakfast and then, not having anything better to do, went upstairs to his room to pick up his textbooks, bringing them downstairs to the library where a fire was already going and settled in to study.

****

Alex heard voices and the closing of a door and, checking the time, realized he’d been engrossed in his studies for nearly an hour. Apparently the meeting was over with. He stood and stretched and went over to the fireplace to put on a couple of new logs. It was still raining, and in fact, from the sound of it, it seemed that the storm had intensified and he was heartily glad he wasn’t out in it. He decided he wanted some coffee before going back to his studies and wandered down to the kitchen, encountering no one along the way.

The house seemed unusually quiet and he had the strangest feeling he was alone. Grabbing a mug and pouring himself a cup he glanced out the window above the sink and gasped in shock, the coffee forgotten as he spied an elk standing in the middle of the garden. He blinked, not sure he was actually seeing it, wondering how an elk had gotten there. But what was even more amazing was that the woman, Alfa Shepherd, who apparently was a master weaver and taught fabric arts at the college, was standing there petting its nose and speaking to it, for he could see her mouth moving. She seemed oblivious to the rain falling. In fact, she wasn’t even wearing any rain gear, simply a white summer dress that was plastered against her lithe body. She was also barefoot. And in the darkness of the storm, he thought she was glowing ever so slightly.

He watched as the elk seemingly bowed its great head to her and then walked calmly away, moving around the side of the house and Alex suspected it must have come in through the front gate. He watched Alfa standing there as the elk moved away, half expecting her to come inside, but instead, she lifted her arms and twirled slowly around, her face uplifted, her eyes half-closed and then to Alex’s complete amazement she began to dance.

And somewhere in the distance he thought he heard a flute playing.

He stood there mesmerized, lost in the haunting sound of the flute, lost in the beauty of the woman’s dance. Her wet dress did not seem to impede her graceful movements at all and Alex marveled at the way she practically floated through the garden. It seemed as if time stood still and he could’ve been standing there for an eternity. Then the woman’s dancing took her further into the garden and out of his sight.

"No!" he cried out, almost in despair.

"Alex."

He felt someone shaking him and blinked as if coming out of a deep sleep.

"Alex."

Turning reluctantly away from the window he found himself gazing into Loren’s blue-grey eyes.

"L-loren? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be teaching?"

Loren’s eyes brightened with amusement. "How long have you been standing here?"

"How long—" He glanced at the clock on the microwave and blinked, unable to accept that nearly two hours had gone by since coming into the kitchen. He looked back at Loren, feeling confused and bereft and totally out of his depth. "Th-there was this elk... Alfa....she was dancing... and...and... there was this elk...."

"Alex, calm down," Loren said, pulling him away from the sink and towards the breakfast nook, forcing him into a seat. "Sit and get yourself under control while I make us some nice chamomile tea. That will help settle you."

"I came in for some coffee," Alex protested weakly.

Loren smiled. "I’m afraid the coffee’s stone cold by now, my friend. Just sit here and try to relax." He went to the counter and opened the lid of a cookie jar in the shape of a bear holding a honey jar and fished out some molasses cookies, putting them on a plate and returning to the table where he set it in front of Alex. "Have a cookie or two. I think you need something sweet." Then he went to the stove and picked up the kettle, filling it with water from the sink before replacing it, turning the burner on. As he fussed about with the tea paraphernalia, he kept up a running monologue.

"It’s been raining too much for us to have the picnic outside, so we’ll have it inside, though I think the rain will end by around four. The fire pit is covered so we can at least fire it up for grilling. This is the last picnic of the year so we’re going all out with filet mignon and lobster. Ryan’s getting some clams as well. Do you like them steamed or raw?"

"Hmm?"

Loren gave him an amused look. "Clams. Do you like them steamed or raw?"

"Ah... steamed."

By then the water was boiling and Loren filled the teapot, bringing it over to the table and sitting down across from Alex, picking up a cookie to eat. Alex concentrated on his own cookie, not looking at anything in particular, trying to sort out what was happening. After a minute, Loren poured some of the tea into mugs, encouraging Alex to drink. After a couple of sips of the soothing drink, he felt himself relaxing. Loren asked him what he’d seen. Slowly, reluctantly, he told him about the elk and Alfa dancing.

"I can’t believe I stood there for two hours staring out the window," he said as he ended his narrative.

"You’re lucky it was only two hours," Loren said with a faint smile.

"How can I become so mesmerized by someone dancing, though?" Alex insisted. "And there was this music, a flute, I think, and the melody was so... so... dark and haunting. I... I don’t even know where it was coming from. I just know that I’ve never heard anything so heartbreakingly beautiful before and Alfa dancing to it...." He drank some more tea. "And why does everyone seem to glow?" he asked suddenly, sounding annoyed and put-upon, as if people glowing were an affront to his sensibilities.

Loren leaned back in his chair and studied him for a long moment before speaking. "Why don’t we take this conversation into the library where we’ll be more comfortable," he said and Alex reluctantly agreed. Loren brought the tea and cookies with them. The fire was burning low and Loren added another log while Alex settled into a chair. The library door opened and Ron stepped in.

"Everything all right?" he asked and Loren nodded.

"We’re just having some tea. Alex is a bit upset. Seems he happened to see Alfa dancing."

"Ah... yes," Ron said with a knowing nod, giving Alex a shrewd look. "Mind if I join you?"

Alex just shrugged while Loren gestured to an empty chair. He didn’t bother to get up himself but grabbed an overstuffed cushion and sat on the stone ledge before the hearth so he was facing the other two men. For a time, no one spoke. Alex was lost in his own thoughts as he sipped his tea, staring into the fire.

"Your sleep was less disturbed last night," Ron said suddenly, and the sound of his voice jerked Alex out of his reverie.

"I guess," he replied. "I don’t remember dreaming or anything."

"How did you feel when you woke up? Were you tired or anxious?"

Alex shook his head. "I actually felt pretty good. A little sore where someone landed a nice punch but otherwise...." He shrugged, giving them a slight smile.

"It took four of us to subdue you," Loren said with a grin. "You were very well taught."

"Sorry. I don’t even remember. Ambrose spoke a single word and then everything went black. Next thing I know I’m staring at the ceiling and I’ve got four goons holding me down."

Ron and Loren chuckled. "I don’t think our friends would appreciate being referred to as ‘goons’," Loren said.

"Whatever," Alex retorted with a grin. Then he sobered somewhat. "I’ve never been that out of control before. I’m just glad no one was seriously injured or worse."

"As are we," Loren said with a nod. "Now, as long as Ron is here, why don’t we discuss your nightmares and what you think you want to do next."

Alex gave them a wary look. "I can’t just walk away. I still need to deal with Ambrose."

"Kill him, you mean?" Ron asked and there was nothing in his tone or expression that told Alex what he was thinking.

"As a last resort," Alex said. "I don’t terminate people on a whim or because some Washington bigwig wakes up one Tuesday morning and thinks it’s a good idea. I have never taken a life needlessly and I’m not about to do so now. That being said, you must accept the possibility that I may have to take him out. Ambrose knows this. Every agent knows this. Doesn’t mean we like it, but it’s not something we can just ignore. Those who do don’t last long in the Game."

"So what options do you see?" Loren asked.

"For the moment, I will do as you suggested and continue as I have. My main concern is Farrell. He’s a loose cannon and I have no control over his actions. If he decides Ambrose is a liability, he’ll have no compunction about taking him out, and me along with him."

"Someone sent photos of us to your Agency," Loren said after a moment. "We’re still trying to learn who it might have been and why they chose your Agency to send them to. Do you have any ideas?"

Alex shook his head. "They were sent anonymously, as far as I know. As to why... all I know is that it was hinted that things were not on the up-and-up at the Academy, but there was nothing specifically said. Frankly, if it hadn’t been for the fact that one of the photos showed Ambrose, the whole thing would’ve been dismissed. It’s only because of Ambrose that I’m even here. If you all are involved in a terrorist plot to take over the world or something, I haven’t uncovered it, and I doubt if I ever will. Yet, it doesn’t explain Ambrose’s presence here or how it is you were able to recruit him. He was in hiding and apparently doing a damn good job of it. He wouldn’t have risked being discovered if he’d not thought it important."

"And the reason for it lies with him," Loren said. "You will have to ask him about it."

"Assuming he even bothers to give me a straight answer," Alex groused. "He betrayed me and our friendship. I’m not sure I can trust anything he might have to say."

"That is certainly something that you will need to discuss with him," Loren said, "but I will tell you this: Ryan will not lie to you. He may not tell you the whole truth, and frankly, which of us does that, but he will not lie."

"Getting back to your nightmares," Ron said before Alex could comment, "have you decided who you are in your dreams?"

Alex sighed, shaking his head. "I would like to think I’m Alex but I can’t be sure. All I’m sure of is that the swimmer is me, Artemus, and I find I don’t like him very much. That smile he gives me as he goes under is too ugly. I have to wonder how ugly I may have become, inside, I mean."

"We all have our ugly sides," Ron said neutrally. "None of us is perfect... well, except Loren, here." He flashed a warm smile at Loren who smirked and Alex chuckled. "And, of course, none of us like to acknowledge that side of us," Ron continued, "but it’s there and if we ignore it, we usually suffer for it... or others do."

"I’ve often had to call upon the darker aspects of my soul in order to play a convincing role," Alex said. "I’ve never really liked doing so and have been very glad when I could stop playing a particular role. I always felt a bit... unclean, I guess. I usually needed a long vacation afterwards and surround myself with normal people doing normal things and trying to reconnect with the nicer parts of my soul."

"And that has probably saved you in ways you do not appreciate," Ron commented with a nod. "Yet, we need to address the burning question of the day: do you wish to be rescued? And, more important, whom do we rescue?"

"‘Alex Grant’ is only a persona," Alex said after a moment. "His history, his personality, all that is made up, though drawn in part from my own life and experiences. Yet, he’s not really me. No matter what roles I may play, I always remain Artemus Gordon Meriwether somewhere deep inside, so if we’re rescuing anyone, it will be him, not Alex or anyone else I may have been. But," and now he hesitated, "now I’m not sure if I’m worth rescuing, not if my nightmares have anything to say about it."

Loren rose and stood before Alex, gazing down at him with compassion. "If anything, child, your nightmares tell us that Artemus Gordon Meriwether is indeed worth saving and I promise you that we will do everything we can to do so, if you let us."

"Thank you," Alex said softly.

Before anyone else could say anything, they heard the sound of someone calling out, though Alex could not make out the words. Loren gave Alex and Ron an amused look. "I think that’s Ryan with the clams. Why don’t you two go help him with them while I go find the steamer and get it set up?"

Alex and Ron nodded and the three left the library together. Before Loren headed toward the kitchen, he gave Alex a clap on the shoulder. "We’ll get through this, I promise. Somewhere there is an answer to all this and we will find it."

Alex just nodded and then he and Ron continued to the front of the house where they found Ryan, Conan and Alfa lugging in the clams. Alex had to keep himself from staring at the woman, remembering how she’d made him feel while she was dancing and concentrate on helping with the clams, getting as soaked as the others as they ran between the house and the car, laughing as they went.