Chapter 17

Gilwen stumbled again, but Haldir tightened his arm around her, supporting her as best he could.

“Just a little farther, my love. Just a little bit farther and we can rest,” he crooned softly in her ear yet again.

Yet again, she did not reply.

There was nothing he could do but hold her close and continue on. For nearly four turns of the stars, they had travelled thus, stopping only long enough to eat a bit and rest for a brief time and then they were off again.

Captain Haldir cast about constantly, searching for signs that they had been followed. His brother-in-law Brethil and his nephews and Galadin took their turn once again travelling on ahead, assuring a clear path. So far, the group had been fortunate for the orcs did not appear to have crossed the stream. 

Haldir remembered tales from the Noldor telling of the Balan Ulmo’s power being strong in the river Sirion. Perhaps his presence was strong in some of the streams in Beleriand as well? Haldir was so desperate now that he would call on any of the Belain if he thought there might be some aide to be gained from it. He knew his hope was not unfounded for Ulmo had helped many of the exiled Noldor. But did his love for elves extend beyond the Noldor and the Teleri who knew him in Valinor? To that Haldir had no answer. However, he had sent up a silent prayer as they crossed the stream near Celos Galen and each subsequent stream along the way, begging for mercy and aide for victims and foes of Morgoth. Surprisingly and reassuringly, he felt a renewed sense of strength and resolve with each stream he crossed with a prayer.

If only he could renew the strength and resolve of those around him. The ellith and the children clearly were exhausted. Those who carried the wounded took turns bearing the litters and supporting the walking wounded. His own son Handir was one of the ones being borne by others.

His beloved Handir…fighting, though barely recovered, alongside the ellyn and older ellith who sought to cover the escape of the other ellith and children, buying time that others might live, taking five more arrows in the process…

Would that Haldir and his warriors of Lórien could have been there when the attack came! Perhaps more beloved sons and daughters of Celos Galen would be among the survivors. Perhaps the attack could have been repelled. Perhaps Gilwen’s adar would not now be chieftain. Perhaps all of the sons of Lórien would lie among the dead or the struggling wounded…

Even his daughters and the daughters of his comrades had fought bravely. His pregnant wife led many ellith and children to safety in the cave behind the waterfall where she, the other five pregnant wives, and some of their kin had already laid provisions for many for a long journey.

For all of the planning and strategy and maps and training and …and everything that Haldir had done to prepare those who would listen…a great many of the folk of Celos Galen as well as survivors from the other settlements had died. His trained warriors, his brothers in arms and blood defended the village well beyond all expectation and most of them had survived. But not most of the people. Not most of his people. Not the beloved trees felled or destroyed by fire.

Why had he been brought here to this place and time? Why? What purpose had it served? What good had come of it? He tried. So very very hard he tried…teaching them all that he knew, endeavoring to give them better lives, loving them as his own folk, marrying and raising his family there…yet he had failed at the test…

No, he was not even present at the test – the one battle which found Celos Galen and destroyed it beyond recall.  And he was not even there.

He was justified in his absence. He had to go, had to scout out the enemy and determine how to plan for the safety of his homeland and his kin. He was right to go! No one would listen, so HE had to go and show them! Prove the danger to them!

But he returned too late…too late…

Innocent people were dead. Homes were lost. And what of those who sought refuge among his folk because they knew he was there to protect them? So many of those who so deeply trusted in him to keep them safe were gone…and he was not there to save them or to die trying…

Too late…too late…

Haldir stumbled, falling to his knees and Gilwen sank down beside him. Putting her arms around him, she held him as he shuddered and trembled in her fierce embrace. He screamed and cried and begged and pleaded into her shoulder and her tear-dampened tangled hair. But nothing helped. Nothing made it better. The homes were not brought back nor the trees raised nor the dead returned to life.

He was their defender! The captain of their warriors proud! Yet his sword remained unbloodied, his arrows unfired, his might untried.

There was naught he could do now but despair…

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At some point he became aware of hands stroking his back and his hair though Gilwen still held him securely in her arms.

“I was wondering how much longer he could endure. Please take care of him, Gilwen. He needs you right now more than ever,” Rúmil’s compassionate voice came from somewhere close behind him. 

“Damrod,” Rúmil continued more officially, “we are almost finished setting up the camp.  Your wife is tending to the wounded along with the other healers. I have set up a rotation for the watch with warriors up in the trees guarding the perimeter.  We are very close to the edge of the forest and our warriors can see far west into the plains. There is a stream nearby for water and we all need to rest.  The trees here know naught of orcs nor wolves, so the evil has never been here or at least it is not here yet. The trees are pleased to have us among them and will look after us as well. I believe we will be safe here for a little while though we should not tarry over long.”

“Thank you, Rúmil. I am relieved that you have our safety in hand. My son,” —Haldir felt a hand pat his back then grip his shoulder strongly—“needs some time to rest. He has done so much... None of us would have survived any of this if not for him and for you, his brethren. I…we do not even know how to begin to express our gratitude to you six for all you have done for us.”

“Adar, my ellith and I will look after him,” Gilwen said quietly, never loosening her hold on Haldir. “Go with Rúmil so you can see what he has done. Then you should go walk among our people and let them know that all is well for now. It will be a great comfort to them to know that their new chieftain and their warriors are looking after them. Daeradar thought ever of our people and made it clear that their needs came before his own. I know you miss him and daernaneth dearly, but you need to do the same.”

Damrod sighed. “I know what I need to do, Child. But thank you for reminding me.”

“I love you, Adar,” Gilwen said, her voice cracking.

“I love you, too, Child.” The hand tightened briefly on Haldir’s shoulder, then slid away.

“Naneth, I have folded my cloak into a pillow for you and adar.”

Gilwen sniffled twice then said, “Thank you, Gilien, but what about you?”

“Araras’s cloak is plenty large enough for the both of us,” came her shy reply.

“Oh, it is, is it?” Gilwen replied in stern exasperation. “Daughter, please do not do anything, ah…permanent until we reach Doriath. Your adar is weary enough just now without his beloved little girl adding to his burdens.”

“Naneth, we will behave, I promise. Besides adar made it quite clear to Araras that he needs to have a long talk with him before we wed. My beloved respects adar very much and is terrified of angering him. I can assure you we will both behave.”

“Please help me settle your adar, then look in on Handir and make sure his wife eats well and rests or she will not be able to properly nurse little Lalaith. I know she is very upset, and she fears for Handir’s life, but you must stand over her and threaten her if necessary to see that she takes good care of herself. After you see to her and the baby, then find Taurion and his family and see to them as well before you take your own rest.”

“Yes, Naneth. But who will see that you eat and rest, too? Remember you have the twins to think about.”

“Bring me some food and I will eat, but I will not leave your adar’s side. Once he is at rest, I will sleep with him in my arms. He needs me right now and I will not fail him.”

Haldir cooperated with the two ellith as they adjusted his cloak, gently helping him to lie down. However he never said a word and refused to look anyone in the eye, keeping his head bowed the whole time. He did not deserve this comfort nor the love they were showing him, but his strength was completely gone and he knew it was pointless to argue with Gilwen about such matters.

Young Gilien hugged him tightly and kissed him on the cheek whispering, “I love you, Ada” before she left. But he did nothing to acknowledge her.

Gilwen sat up for a time, eating something that their other daughter had brought to her. But Haldir closed his eyes to the world and rolled onto his side, feeling too bereft, unworthy, and ashamed to care about anything.

A very short time later, his brooding was interrupted when someone laid something over his torso, but he pointedly ignored it with increasing irritability, as well as the pats on his shoulder and back, wishing the well-meaning people would just go away and let him grieve and despair in peace. He could not ignore what followed though for something burrowed under his arm to engulf his head and face in soft fabric and little arms.

“It is all right, Daeradar. I am here. I love you. I will take care of you and keep you safe until Daernaneth is done,” little Nellas said consolingly, giving his head a tight squeeze.

Haldir could not help but draw her closer to him, nuzzling her gratefully as his tears flowed once again. Before long, he cried himself to sleep in her arms.

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Haldir stood beside a river skipping rocks across the surface.

“Watch this!” Called a voice from beside him.

Haldir turned to see an elf dressed in robes of shifting greens and blues over mail which adorned his entire body like shimmering fish scales. The ellon’s greenish silver hair hung in warrior’s braids adorned with pearls and tiny shells. Piercingly bright green eyes like the sharp glint of sunlight on waves met Haldir’s gaze and Haldir bowed his head, blinking to clear the spots which temporarily blurred his vision.

“Stop looking at me,” the ellon admonished. “Watch this.”

He cast a perfectly flat stone and it skipped twenty seven times in zigzags and arcs back and forth across the river before plunking in the water near the opposite shore.

“Impressive!” Haldir observed, feeling most unsettled.  Briefly he struggled with whether it would be more polite to ask the “elf” who he was or what he was, but before he could decide, the ellon addressed him.

“You do realsie, Haldir, it is most unusual for an elf who never left these lands to know of me, let alone to invoke my blessing.”

Haldir looked on the ellon in bemused wonder. “My Lord,” he knew instinctively that if anyone ever deserved this title it was the one who stood before him now. “Forgive me, but how do you know who I am? What blessing? What are you talking about?”

The ellon smiled as he bent and picked up another perfectly round flat stone and cast it, watching it bounce in a happy dance all around the surface of the river before finally leaping high in the air and then dropping into the water without a sound.

“Let me assure you that though my power inland is strongest in the river Sirion, it does still move quietly in the surrounding streams and tributaries.  You were wise to seek out my aide. Nothing forbids my giving it at this time, though I deduce from your memories that my aide in these lands will be hindered more in the future.”

“You deduce…” Haldir started.

Suddenly a fish leapt out of the water and caught in its mouth something that the ellon threw to it. Then twelve fish leapt out of the water at the same time and twelve treats flew with one being caught by each fish.

“Child,” the ellon chided in amusement, “If you do not close your mouth, then I shall throw a treat to you as well.”

Haldir promptly clamped his mouth shut, staring dumbfounded at the ellon.

“The Noldor did not know this – do not know this and I guess will not know this even in the Third Age of this land -- but I do love the elves who stayed behind just as much as I love the Lindar. The Lindar work with me and honor me on the salty sea, but you who remained when the others departed, you love the fresh waters as much as you love your trees, and I hold all waters and the life within equally dear.”

Haldir fell to his knees, his head bowed in supplication. “Mmm…My Lord. My Lord Ulmo,” he stuttered when he finally found his voice. “Y…you heard. Y…you came.” His voice fell to a whisper. “You actually came.”

“I hear everything that happens in and around my waters. Did you know that you are the first elf to call on me from this land? I applaud you and am grateful to you for even considering me or my assistance an option.”

“My people’s home is gone and it is my fault,” Haldir said simply.

“Nonsense! Did you breed the orcs and feed their hatred and teach them to fight? Did you order the attack on Celos Galen?”

“No, of course not,” Haldir calmly explained. “But I was not there when the attack came. I could have… I should have…”

“Could have… should have… done what? Coordinated a defense when hopelessly outnumbered like you did at Helms Deep? Died during the battle? Do you truly believe that Adar wished something as simple as that to be your doom after He spared you at Helm’s Deep and allowed you to be sent you here?”

Haldir looked up, but stopped short of meeting the Balan’s unbearably bright gaze. “Adar?”

“Eru Illuvatar the one who made us all. He has special plans for you, a special purpose for you here in this time in Beleriand, and here you are upset that things did not happen according to YOUR plan. If I recall correctly, your plan was to move the settlement before the orcs attacked.”

“But I could not save the people of Celos Galen. I was not there when they were attacked. I failed them,” Haldir said meekly.

“Child, those who survived did so because of your wisdom and the training you gave them. If you and your brothers and friends had not come here to this time and this land, then no one from any of the settlements would have survived. Your anger should be directed at the orcs and Melkor, not at yourself. I and the other Belain are very proud of you for what you and the other five have achieved in so short a time here in Beleriand. Adar blessed each of you with mates and many children and grandchildren – all things which none of you thought you would ever find in Lothlórien in the Third Age. Do you not think that maybe He is directing things even now?”

“But why?” Haldir hated how whiny his voice sounded to his own ears. “We have never paid much attention to the Belain before, for you were always great and mighty and far away in Valinor and we were bereft and left behind here. Why would Eru think me worthy of…of anything like this?”

“And you think I am worthy?” Ulmo gave a great booming laugh like a waterfall crashing down a high cliff. “Oh, if you only knew the mistakes I have made!”

Still chuckling, Ulmo pulled Haldir to his feet and wrapped him in an embrace which felt oddly like being engulfed in a pleasantly warm wave.

“Child, I am bid tell you that no one else could have done what you have done or could go on to do that which is your doom. I will protect your folk the whole way to Doriath, if you but travel beside the Sirion all the way north through his gates and past his falls until the River Teiglin blends his water with Sirion. That is the southeastern corner of Doriath and the beginning of the Forest of Region. I shall give you guidance the rest of the way to Menegroth from there.”

Stooping, Ulmo kissed Haldir’s forehead. “Be at peace, Child. Let go of the guilt, shame, and anger. These are for Melkor, they are not for you.”

Calm serenity filled Haldir as he slipped out of the Balan’s embrace almost as if being carried away by the gentlest of waves.

“Enjoy your well-earned rest, Haldir of Lothlórien and lately of Celos Galen.”

Haldir closed his eyes and drifted away.

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Balan – Vala

Belain – Valar