30. Respite

After Rose died, I’d thought I could tough it out for my children’s sake, as Gaffer had. It’d only taken a few weeks to know I couldn’t do that. Everywhere I went and everything I touched reminded me of her. Sometimes that was a comfort, but more often than not, it squeezed my heart so much I could hardly breathe. 

Sailing - fleeing - had become a life preserver for my sanity. I know that now. I’d come to get away, more’n any other reason.

“I never understood,” I say, “what it was like for Gaffer after Ma died. I was just a faunt; I hardly remember her. I never thought much of how it must've been for him to lose her and still have to raise us. I always respected him, but not nearly enough for what he did. He was stronger'n I am. He stayed and did his duty to his family... I ran away.”

Galadriel squeezes my hand. “Would staying have benefitted anyone?” she asks gently.

I only have to think a moment before shaking my head.

“Then what is the harm in seeking respite from your grief?”

I can list all the justifications I’d made when I decided to sail - my children are grown and no longer need me, I’d made a promise to Arwen, I’d needed to satisfy my curiosity about Frodo and Elvenhome. Truth is, I never would’ve come if not for Rose.

“I should’ve had the courage to stay.”

“Instead, you found the courage to leave and seek healing, just as Frodo. Unless you believe him a coward as well.”

“Of course not!”

“Then do not judge yourself so harshly. Sometimes leaving is the most courageous thing you can do. Frodo did so. Twice.”

I mull this over as we watch the stars come out.

GF 10/13/12

To be continued...