Chapter 5:  insight

Elrohir tossed and turned in his bedroll but could not find sleep.

 Earlier, he and Elladan had cleared out a large orc den at the foot of the hills just west of the path finally leading into Imladris if someone knew where to look. Again and again travellers in that area had been attacked and the two warriors had suspected that a large hideout had to exist nearby.

Even though they had saved the lives of many future travellers, Elrohir felt no satisfaction. In fact, he felt empty, cold and alone. Elladan had killed the orcs with great vigour, and had been nearly hysterical with joy when looking at the massacre afterward. However, he no longer shared his brother’s feelings; in fact, he hadn't for a long time.

Elladan had drifted away from him – both emotionally and mentally. Now he was seldom able to reach his brother’s fea and he missed the feeling of knowing that they were close not only in body but also in mind.

After less than ten hours had gone by after they had calmed themselves from the successful ambush, he had again tried to persuade Elladan to abandon their hunt. He urged him to finally let go of his hate and find peace again. Elladan had not even argued with him, as he always had in the past, he had only glared at him and walked away.

Elrohir had no strength remaining to go after his brother. He refused to leave him but could not follow him. He kept his senses alert, but Elladan had to calm down first – as always.

Elrohir kindled a fire and chewed on a piece of dried meat. With worried eyes, he constantly scanned the dark wood and waited for Elladan´s return. Shortly after midnight he decided to lie down.

Elladan could look after himself. If something happened to his brother, he would know. Some time later he awakened and immediately looked toward the other bedroll. Relieved, he realized that Elladan had returned and was sleeping soundly. One less load to worry about, he thought as he turned over, but he could not return to sleep.

He suddenly jerked upright, wide awake, panting heavily to get the stabbing pain in his heart under control. After rubbing his eyes he directed an irritated glance at his brother. Normally he had feelings of this kind only if Elladan had been injured or was in great danger, but his brother was still sleeping soundly.

There was only one other person he shared such a close connection with. He stilled his thoughts to look inward and realized, horrified, that the bond with his father was diminishing.

With a cry of anguish he sprang up and leaned against a nearby tree to get his sudden dizziness under control. What could possibly have happened? They had only left yesterday and all had seemed well with his father.

A bitter laugh escaped him despite the still present pain. Their family was anything but healthy, and Elladan´s behaviour of two nights before had surely done nothing to improve the situation. Could it be …? He could barely contemplate the horrible thought sneaking into his consciousness.

His cry had awakened Elladan. His brother jumped up, his sword pulled and already in hand.

“What?” was his only word until his eyes focused on Elrohir. With a nearly disgusted snort he re-sheathed his sword.

“What is it this time, Elrohir?” he asked already plopping back on the ground.

Elrohir, still fighting to breathe though the pain, looked at his brother incredulously. It was not enough that Elladan was not coming to his aid; he had not even opened their bond to discover what was assailing him.

The hurt over Elladan´s reaction was adding to his pain. Elrohir turned and ran away from their campsite into the forest until his lungs burned and tears blurred his vision. With a sob he sank to the ground, pulling into himself and shutting out the outside world.

……………………………………

Seeing Elrohir turn in anguish snapped a cord within Elladan. He blinked, as if he was coming out of a haze, still not really understanding why his brother was running away from him. Shaking his head, he slowly, hesitantly, opened his bond. He was immediately overwhelmed by the feelings coming his way.

Elladan was hit by pain, anguish, sorrow and devastation. He sprang up from his bedroll, only to fall to the ground again, face first. Nearly paralyzed he remained prone for several long moments, panting hard.

His thoughts whirled in confusion and guilt. How could he have shut out his brother in such a manner? Elrohir was the other half of his soul, his soul mate. For long years he had hidden behind a wall he had made of grief and anger, pretending that only his wish for revenge was driving him forward. He had denied his secret desire - that the pleas of Elrohir to abandon their destructive way of life were exactly what his heart also yearned for.

Somehow he found it impossible to open himself or let his brother come near. He felt it would have been a confession of his own failures of being unable to protect his mother and then not taking adequate revenge in retaliation for her punishment. Now it was too late. He had driven away the only person who loved him the way he was.

Mustering all his strength he stood, his anguish showing in his shaking legs. Where had Elrohir gone? Recovering his sword he wiped the tears from his face, determined to reach his brother before something happened for which he would never forgive himself.

“Elrohir?” he called out, but he was not surprised when he got no answer. Abandoning this senseless endeavour he did the one thing as natural to him as breathing. He opened his bond fully and searched on a level only few could even contemplate.

He braced himself again as a rush of emotions reached him. They were confused, jumbled and disoriented. His lips compressed into a thin line Elladan trudged away from their camp. He was determined to mend the trust that he had shattered. He pushed down his fear that there was nothing left to rescue.

Following the emotions coming through their bond like a beacon in the night he nearly stumbled over the curled body cowering behind a fallen tree.

“Elrohir!” he breathed while falling to his knees. With a shaking hand he carefully turned his brother over and swallowed hard when he gazed at the waxen face smeared with tear stains.

“Elrohir, forgive me,” he whispered as he pulled the limp body to his chest. “Please wake up brother. I’m here now,” Elladan pleaded while constantly watching their surroundings. He would not let any harm come near them. When Elrohir did not react, Elladan again opened his bond and expressed his apology with more then just words.

Elrohir finally opened his eyes and the brothers looked at one another for a long moment. When Elrohir did not speak, Elladan took a deep breath.

“Elrohir, I’m sorry. I’m deeply sorry for all the sorrow I've caused you….” Elladan stopped when Elrohir lowered his eyes and pushed himself away from his arms. Taking a deep breath, Elrohir rose and after staggering a few steps, he leaned heavily against a tree trunk.

Elladan swallowed. He could have endured all, an outburst or tears but this silence was unnerving. Had he driven his brother away? Was Elrohir no longer willing to talk to him?

When Elrohir refused to even look at him, Elladan rose and placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“Elrohir, if you are angry at me then I’m….” He stopped when his brother suddenly jerked his head up. His twin's cold grey eyes met his.

“Elladan, it’s alright. Really. I’m used to your repellent attitude. But do me one favour and open your bond. Can you not feel it?”

Elladan looked at his brother in shock. The cold words did not fit Elrohir. His younger sibling was always understanding and forgiving, always willing to please. Had he in his blind grief overlooked something?

Suddenly Elrohir was standing directly in front of him, shaking him forcefully.

“Wake up, Elladan. It’s alright if you treat me like if I not here, but now you need to listen to your senses just one time. Can you not feel it? Ada is fading and it’s our fault!”

Elladan took a step back. The anger radiating from Elrohir was shocking enough but the additional feeling he now recognized stole his breath away. Elrohir had not exaggerated. Clear signs of their father's fading were assailing him.

With a cry of anguish he sank to his knees. Why had he not noticed this earlier? What had caused this? His father was imperturbable, nothing disturbed him. The thought had barely crossed his mind when he realized how stupid it was. But until now he had been unable to realize this and see beyond his own grief.

Now it stood out clearly, and another thing was driven home to him too. It was not theirfault – it was his fault. He had been the one driving everyone away with his hatred. He had been the one who brought his father to the edge of his endurance with his mindless act of two nights before.

With his eyes pleading for understanding he looked up at Elrohir, but his brother was still standing there his expression unforgiving.

Elrohir took a step toward him and dragged him to his feet with a rough pull on his tunic. “Let us return home, Elladan. Maybe there is still something remaining to rescue. We have to at least try.”

Without waiting for a response, Elrohir turned and walked toward their waiting horses. He mounted and waited, not even turning around to look at his brother.

Elladan swallowed. This was not like Elrohir, who had always relented and was the first one ready to make peace. Had he pushed him too far this time?

With tears in his eyes he staggered forward toward his horse. The overwhelming grief still coming his way was causing a headache and the closed bond to his brother was a stabbing pain right in his heart.

Nearly overwhelmed with sorrow but also determined to make right whatever had caused a rift with the two people who were most dear to him Elladan quickly mounted his horse and followed his brother into the dark night.

To be continued……………………..