Chapter Nineteen: Undeniable Agony

Legolas waited outside the King's library while Estel was informed of his arrival. He was apprehensive at being here, but he had to come in person to do this. He had already proven himself cowardly by the letters he held in his hand, but one confrontation was all his heart could bear.

So, he was here again in Minas Tirith. It seemed a lifetime ago that he had departed from this place, but it had only been two months. Gimli should be back in Rohan by now, and Legolas was grateful he would not have to face the dwarf. He did not think he could walk away unscathed from that encounter. He would ask Estel to see that his letter be delivered. By the time the dwarf received the news, Legolas would be too far away for Gimli to attempt to find him and try to talk him out of leaving.

Legolas also had a letter for Faramir and Eowyn. They had been so kind to him, and he did not want to leave without saying goodbye. But the thought of looking into their eyes and saying it made him feel ill. Again, he had opted for having Estel see a letter delivered.

The King, dressed quite casually, stepped out of the open doorway with a smile on his face. Legolas tried to smile back, but it came out quite crooked. He bowed his head to the man.

"Do stop with the formalities, my friend. Come in! Tell me what is on your mind. It is a pleasant surprise to see you!" Estel motioned for him to enter the study, and Legolas walked in nervously, the man following behind him.

The King's library was just that, a large room complete with several richly upholstered couches and stuffed chairs as well as several tables. Bookshelves lined the walls. Estel motioned to a pair of opposing couches, and they sat so they could face each other as they spoke. Legolas kept his eyes looking around the room for a few minutes as the man studied him.

After a moment, Estel sighed. "You do not come with good news...do you?" Estel's face held a grim expression. "Have you remembered anything?"

This was what Legolas had been dreading. He made himself pull his head up and look the man in the eye. He wished he was standing; a more formal atmosphere would make it easier to speak these things. "No. On both accounts." He shook his head slightly. "It is not easy for me to say this, so I shall say it quickly. I am sailing. I will leave in the morning for the Havens. I have bade my goodbyes to my family and the elves in Ithilien. Tathar has agreed to take over command there. I hope that is acceptable to you." Legolas watched the man's face carefully as he spoke, but Estel's face was unreadable.

"I have no problems with Tathar's leadership." The man took a breath, frowning at him. "Are you sure, Legolas? Must you leave now? There is still hope for your memory to be restored." The emotions came to the surface in the man's voice, though his expression remained carefully blank.

"I would not go if I thought I could stay. I must sail, or I fear my heart shall break. Already I feel myself beginning to waste from the grief of denying the call." Legolas searched the man's face, silently begging him to understand.

Estel's head dropped, his voice coming out in a broken whisper. "I do not want you to go."

"I know," Legolas replied. "But I must." He cleared his throat. "I have a request to make." When the man nodded, Legolas voiced what he had come to ask. "It would have been wrong of me to leave without speaking to anyone personally. I suppose it is wrong to leave without speaking to the others as well, but that is how it must be." He drew in a deep breath and continued. "I have letters for Faramir and Eowyn, and one for Gimli. If you would be so kind as to see them delivered." He dropped his eyes, unable to look the man in the eye as he made his request. .

"Of course," Aragorn replied in that broken whisper that tugged at Legolas's heart. He knew he inflicted pain on those he had once called friend, but he had no choice! He needed to go. Estel and the others would recover in time, as they would if he had died in the accident that had stolen his memories and life on these shores.

"I will see that all are delivered as soon as possible," Estel was saying. "I think you should know, however, that Gimli..."

"Legolas?"

The gruff voice came from the doorway behind him, and Legolas's eyes closed as his breath stilled in his chest. This was the one encounter he had desperately wished to avoid. It would have been simpler, so much easier to send a letter. Now, he would have to face the friend he did not remember yet who still held a large part of his heart.

Legolas stood and turned. He avoided the dwarf's eyes, not wanting to see the pain that would be there. The anguish he would cause. He inclined his head in acknowledgement but found he was unable to speak.

"I did not expect you to return yet, Elf, but it is always good to see you." The dwarf smiled warmly at him, but Legolas was unable to return it. He sensed Estel leave the room, and he was grateful. This was better said in private.

"Legolas? What's wrong, lad?" Gimli's concern caused that unknown ache in his heart to increase. Legolas did not understand it.

Tears unbidden moistened his eyes, but Legolas refused to let them fall. He dropped his eyes to the floor before him and, after a short struggle, found his voice. "Forgive me, Gimli. I thought you would be back in Aglarond by now. I should not have attempted to avoid this with a letter." Legolas looked up briefly. "I appreciate all you have done for me. Though I remember you not, you have been a true friend. Rightfully I named you elvellon, and how I wish I could remember...but I cannot." Legolas shook his head slightly and his voice was hoarse with emotion.

Unable to continue looking upon his friend, he lowered his eyes again. "I am leaving in the morning, headed for the Havens. So I suppose this is...goodbye."

- o -

Gimli told himself he was not hearing what he thought he was hearing. But the elf was standing before him, head bowed, eyes lowered, and Gimli knew it was true. He felt his heart sink into his boots.

"What do you mean this is goodbye? You can't leave." Gimli looked at his friend, pleading for him to change his mind. The elf did not look up, his golden hair partially hiding his fair face.

"I cannot stay any longer, Gimli. The pain...it is too great. I have struggled against it and I can fight no longer. My memory has not returned. I feel it will not unless I sail. I am sorry, but I have to go." Legolas looked up then, and Gimli saw pain there, as well as determination to go."

"But Legolas, there is still hope. You could still remember. Did your father push you into this?" Gimli accused, pulling at anything, not considering the words he chose.

Anger filled the elf's eyes at the mention of his father. "No." Legolas spoke firmly with a coldness Gimli was unaccustomed to hearing in his friend's voice. "There is no hope. I can not remember. And my father has done nothing but support me in my anguish. You would do well to be careful how you speak of him."

"You cannot leave, Legolas. Not yet." Gimli was frantic. This could not happen! It was wrong.

"I can and I will. Who are you to stop me?" The elf asked angrily.

Gimli's heart constricted at the elf's tone and words. As he stood there, anguish filling him, Gimli heard his own voice echo back in his mind from that night more than four months ago.

"Legolas, you are my closest friend..."

"I ask not for myself, Legolas." Gimli tried to convince himself this was true. The words continued to ring in his mind.

"...It would pain me greatly to lose you to the sea..."

Never had Gimli felt such pain before. The words tumbled from his heart as his voice filled with emotion. "And I cannot stop you from going, but I beseech you to wait until you have remembered more. I fear that once you reach Valinor, and you are healed there and remember...you will regret deeply. You will remember and the regret will be very bitter, lad. You should not leave like this. I know you suffer, I know the pain..."

"YOU KNOW NOTHING!" The elf shouted. "You can NEVER understand the torment I endure! I can remain here no longer!" Legolas paused, taking a breath and lowering his eyes and tone of voice to almost a whisper. "And if I regret, then I regret."

Gimli's eyes slipped shut. He attempted to swallow the lump that seemed to be trying to strangle him. His words from so long ago were no comfort, but they remained right and true and persistent.

"...If you need to go, lad, go with my blessing... I won't see you in pain for my sake."

Gimli swallowed hard and opened his eyes. He closed the distance between them, reached out a hand and lifted the elf's chin so he could meet Legolas's eyes. "Very well," he said, and dropped his hand back to his side. "But hear this, Legolas. When you reach the Undying Lands, and your mind is made whole once more... When you remember those that you left behind, do not sorrow over it, lad. Do not regret. Go with my blessing; be free of your pain. Just remember me Legolas...remember I love you. And I will never forget you." His voice broke as he spoke and for once in his life he did not fight the tears that slipped into his beard.

The elf blinked, but said nothing. He simply stood there, a slight crease between his eyebrows, but otherwise an unreadable look upon his face.

"Goodbye, Legolas. Have a safe journey... And remember."

Gimli took one last look, burning the image of his closest friend, who was now lost to him, into his mind. Then he turned and walked out of the door.

When he reached his room, he locked the adjoining door to the room that had been Legolas's. He would go home. He would leave as soon as he could pack his things. He would start over, try to find his place in this world that had so recently been turned upside down.

An hour later, he took his leave of the King and Queen of Gondor. He would hear nothing they had to say, and ignored their pleas to stay longer. Gimli strapped his pack on his pony and mounted Moroch. Then he rode through the city gates and never looked back.

To Be Continued…