Chapter 11 - Haldir

Haldir was weary as he seldom was. There had been a bad accident late in the day, and three of the elven warriors had been seriously hurt. It had been close, but he had managed to pull them back from the edges of death. Long hours had he fought against their injuries, and he had won. They would live with no lasting harm. They would go home to their mothers to recuperate and then rejoin Thranduil’s forces. Ohtar would not have to write the letters home they both hated.

Young warriors were the ones who had the most accidents. These three had all been at most a hundred, perhaps less. Even Orophin was older than these three before Haldir had given permission for him to begin his real duty as a warrior. And, Orophin had been considered young at the time, just turned a hundred-two. He was allowed to move into the front-line battle ranks by the instructors only because of his formidable skill at all weapons.

Babies they were taking into service these days, thought Haldir. Too many elves had died in the war. The three today should have still been in training, not in the field.

He sniffed his tunic with distaste. It smelt of blood. His whole body smelt that way. He should have noticed and gone to the baths. He could not face the return trip now. He was just too tired.

Grimly, he walked towards the ewer and basin in the corner of the room. At this hour of the night, the boiling hot water that Orophin always remembered and left for him would have already turned to ice. Their windows faced north and, even in the very early spring of Gondor, it could be bitterly cold at night. He lit a candle near the washstand and peered into the ewer. Ice. Thin, but still ice. He poked at it with his finger and felt it shatter into glittery cold shards. Not giving himself more time to think, he poured it into the basin and dipped a cloth to begin washing his body as best he could. His flesh rebelled against the cold cloth, but he ignored it. Tomorrow he would bathe, but he could not inflict this blood scent on his brothers’ sleep tonight. He sniffed himself again. Better. Not blood at least. Orophin and Rúmil were used to his own scent, even unwashed, and that would not wake them.

Dropping the cloth in the basin, he rubbed himself hard with the drying cloth. It made the blood flow beneath his skin and warmed him a little. Smiling he noticed his night tunic laid out on the chair near the fire with a warm robe over it. Orophin. Every night it was there ready. Orophin had first begun this when he was merely an elfling. He had announced at dinner one night that Haldir took care of them, but no one took care of him. He, Orophin, he announced in a high and sweetly solemn childish voice would take care of Haldi as he called his oldest brother. Rúmil had started to laugh, but Haldir’s look had silenced him. Even then, Orophin had been all arms and legs as Haldir scooped him up and buried his face in the childish body to thank him.

For over two centuries now, if they were together in a sheltered place, Orophin had laid out Haldir’s night tunic for him and left him all that was necessary if he returned home late. He glanced over and saw the usual tray of wine and the small seed cakes he favored and was suddenly hungry. Pulling the warmed tunic over his head, he sat down where he could look at the bed he shared with his brothers.

He smiled at the sight. As usual, Rúmil slept in a gathered and compact form, half turned on his side with his back to Orophin and taking up very little of the bed. Orophin’s long arms and legs were sprawled and tangled about and over his brother and twisted in every bedcover, his unbound silver blond hair covering the older elf’s shoulders as he pressed his face into Rúmil’s back. They called Orophin their spider and complained loudly to him about his sprawling sleep but, when he was not there, neither older brother could really sleep soundly. They would miss the spider.

Finishing his wine and the last of the cakes, Haldir rose and blew out the candle. In the moonlight through their window, he made his way over to the bed. With years of practice, he untangled Orophin’s unruly limbs and rescued the blankets from the floor, spreading them again over his sleeping brothers. Carefully, he moved the spider closer to the edge of the bed to make room for himself between those brothers. Orophin made soft murmuring sounds but did not waken.

Crawling between the sleeping forms with the skill of years of repetition, Haldir wrested some of the blanket anew from Orophin and slipped his legs beneath it. He bent over and kissed the sleeping spider and then turned to do the same with Rúmil.

Bright grey eyes were watching him, and Haldir touched his brother’s face in apology as he kissed him and then lay back against the pillows.

"I am sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep. It is very late."

"You did not really wake me. I drifted off, but I was waiting for you." Rúmil rolled to face Haldir. "Spider asleep?"

"Completely. He is making those elfling sounds. At times, it is hard to believe he is a seasoned warrior and better than I at archery."

Rúmil smiled. Orophin was a deadly warrior, but it was hard to believe that if you slept with him. "I pity any elleth with whom he might bond! She will never sleep again. Do you think he will ever find someone? He would be a good father, not like me."

"Eldarion would argue with your not being a good father I suspect, or should I not say things like that?" Haldir put his arm around his brother and pulled him close, until Rúmil’s head was resting in the hollow of his shoulder. To Haldir, this brother’s hair always smelled like new-cut hay. Orophin’s was like a garden of rosemary. Blinded, he could have told the difference between them.

"You? You can say anything to me, and you know it. I love Eldarion. He is the part of her that I can still show love. His father is Aragorn, however, not Rúmil."

"You could not love another, brother?"

"No, Haldi. I bound to her even though I foolishly placed no claim on her own heart. I did not wish her to be forsaken if I died, and she did not understand. I pay the price and now know its true pain when I am with Eldarion, but I could have done nothing else. Still, there can be no other. My heart will ever be bound. I should have liked to have a son. I would have named him for you, Haldi." The last was but a whisper, but Rúmil knew his brother still heard it. He wondered if his son that would never be born would have looked like him or Arwen and, within him, Rúmil felt his soul break a little more.

Haldir noted the use of the childhood name for him, a sign always that his brothers’ hearts lay fully open to him. In his own heart, he was still angry with Arwen. She had hurt his brother more than she could ever know and condemned him to a life of only his brothers’ love. Haldir’s muscles tensed with that anger, and Rúmil felt them. His older brother was ever his protector despite the centuries he himself had lived as a warrior. He put his arm around Haldir’s waist.

"Let it go, Haldi. Be at peace. I have forgiven her. You must do the same." Rúmil moved closer, but he controled the shiver that wanted to run through him. He did not wish for his brother to hate Arwen still. It served no purpose. "Were the warriors alright? Orophin said he heard three had been injured."

"They will be fine. It was very bad, and that kept me so late, but they will be fine. Thank the Valar! Do I still smell of blood?"

"Only a little." Rúmil’s nose wrinkled. "Mostly you smell like you in need of a bath."  He laughed as Haldir cuffed his head.

"In the morning I am going to soak for at least an hour! Maybe two. Come with me then?" Rúmil nodded and smiled. They would bring Spider with them. "Why were you waiting for me, Rúmil?"

Orophin grunted at this moment and began to burrow against his oldest brother. Haldir smiled as the long arm draped over his waist. Now, both brothers held him, and he was more content than almost he knew how to be. "If I ever slept alone, I expect I would have nightmares. How about you?"

"Many nightmares, Haldi. At least, I do not have to sleep in the middle!"

"I like this place. I can keep track of both of you night wanderers this way. Remember how Orophin used to sleepwalk out of the talan?" They both snorted at the memory that had terrified them at the time. They had never known where Spider would be found, and there had been exciting moments of discovering him in odd corners of Caras Galadhon. "Now, Rúmil, why did you wait for me?"

"Haldi, you will not like it."

"Tell me quickly then."

"Orophin and I were looking for you at the lunch hour."

"You saw me with that human?" Haldir was frowning, but he hoped Rúmil could not see. The soft moonlight betrayed him to his brother.

Rúmil nodded. "We did not mean to intrude, Haldir! It is just. . ."

"It is just that you never thought to see your brother kiss a human?"

Rúmil nodded in the moonlight. In fact, the sight had transfixed them almost with horror. Orophin had been the one with the sense to pull them against the barrack’s sheltering wall. "Do you love her, Haldi?"

"Do not be absurd! I love Nimloth and no other. Sulka is a human! And, she is married. As an elf, I could not possibly love her even if she were free. I felt pity at what she had just told me. I kissed her cheek. That was all."

"Gilúviel bound with a human. Haldi, you were never formally betrothed to Nimloth. It is not binding upon you."

"Do not speak nonsense, brother! Gilúviel was not bound in any way when he met Tingalen. Nimloth journeyed to our betrothal when she was killed. Besides, Tingalen is different. She is special. She makes Mîr whole. And, Tingalen is witty and educated. Sulka cannot even read."

"Could you not teach her as you teach Gurth? Sulka is very smart. She would learn quickly. And, she is brave, like you. I like her, my brother."

"Go to sleep, Rúmil. She is a human. You and Orophin are letting your minds run wild as always. I do not love humans. I do not even like humans. They are treacherous and weak, and they will betray you always in the end. I love you, brother, but let us sleep now. I am very weary." Haldir’s grey eyes suddenly resembled a storm sky just before lightning split it.

"Over two hundred years have you mourned, brother. I remember how many nights you wept silently when I pretended to sleep. Only Spider and I kept you from turning to the wall and dying from that grief. Nimloth would not wish that you were unhappy, Haldi. She loved you too much. She wanted your children to walk in this world."

Rúmil felt Haldir’s muscles tense again, and he knew to say no more. He buried his face against his brother’s tunic in wordless apology for his boldness and shut his eyes. He had said what he thought necessary, but Rúmil knew his words had been a knife opening an old wound.

In the darkness, Haldir lay holding Rúmil close until he heard the quiet breathing of his brother’s sleep. He wondered why he had not thought himself that Sulka might learn. He remembered her story of being given away at thirteen and shuddered. With a sigh, he pressed his face into his brother’s hair and made himself remember Nimloth until he fell asleep.