*This is the first story that I've written for this series in quite a while and this one is due to a Challenge offered over on LOTR_Community_GFIC. The challenge was set forth by Cathleen and any underlined word in the story below was a part of the challenge. The story had to begin with the line "I don't know why I thought it was a good idea." This was what I managed to come up with. This is Frodo, Sam, and Hamfast. It is pre-quest but Bilbo has already left the Shire. And if you don't know this already, THESE ARE NOT MY HOBBITS!

GW 11/30/2007*

“The Perils of Leaving Your Door Ajar...”

Characters are Sam, Frodo and Hamfast Gamgee

Rated PG

No warnings (except for the fact that no one did a Beta on this)

“I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea,” Frodo sighed. He and Sam were standing just outside of the open kitchen door peering inside as they talked. “No, that isn’t true really. I thought it was a good idea because it would air out the kitchen. I thought that it might be nice to have the lovely smell of the garden flowers inside as well as out.”

Sam frowned. “I could’a picked some and brought them in for you if I’d known you were wantin’ them.”

“That’s just it,” Frodo said. “I didn’t really want the flowers pulled up. I do hate it when they wilt and die in a vase on the table. I just wanted that fresh, fragrant, smell that flowers give to a place. That was when I decided that if I left the door open for a while it would accomplish this without pulling up the flowers.” He looked at Sam for some sign of understanding.

Sam looked into the kitchen and said, “All the same, I think the smell of this mess won’t be goin’ away anytime soon and that’s a fact.”

Frodo sighed and looked at his kitchen. Why was it that Sam was always so practical? Just now Frodo found himself wishing for a bit of Pippin’s thinking on things. In fact Frodo could hear Pippin saying, “That makes sense to me, Frodo. I’d have done the very same thing. I don’t know why it didn’t work?” Frodo shuddered slightly. This would have seemed like an excellent idea to Pippin! Now that thought really made him worry.

Sam was saying something again. “I don’t know but I think we ought to see if we can get the big fella outta there. Maybe if we can get that big one out then the little one will follow ‘im.”

“I don’t think the big one likes me,” Frodo said. “When I came in and found him eating the apples right out of the bowl on the table I was shocked to say the least. I’d been in the parlor reading and when I came in-“

“You yelled louder’n a farmer callin’ a stubborn hog,” Sam finished with a small smile on his face.

Frodo looked embarrassed. “That’s one way of putting it. I was surprised so naturally I shouted. My point is I startled the big pony and that’s when he knocked the table over and trampled on my pocket watch. It was lying on the table and when the table over-turned the pony crushed the watch.”

“What did the little one do?” Sam asked looking entertained.

“Oh, I think that one must be stone deaf. It didn’t react to my shouting at all. It just stood there munching on biscuits from the rather bent tin over there in the corner,” Frodo pointed.

“That the one what had the biscuits that the Widow Rumble brought over?” Sam asked squinting to make out some recognizable feature of the remainder of the tin. The ponies had obviously crushed it.

“That’s the very one,” Frodo said looking depressed. “I was really looking forward to some of the Widow’s biscuits for afters this evening. She makes such wonderful treats and those were the first biscuits that she’d seen fit to bring over since Pippin asked her that unfortunate question a few months back.”

Sam smirked. “Oh, you’re meanin’ that time when Mr. Pippin looked up at her and asked her if she was old enough to remember when the party tree was planted?”

Frodo grimaced. “That’s the question. It’s taken the Widow all of these months to forgive Pippin’s lack of tact and to let things between us as neighbors go back to normal and those biscuits were her way of letting me know.”

“I suspect that she ain’t goin’ to be too friendly when she finds out about this,” Sam said shaking his head.

“I don’t plan to tell her,” Frodo said looking surprised that Sam might even suggest such a thing. “Honesty is a fine virtue but I think that the less revealed about this the better.”

“She’ll be wantin’ her tin back,” Sam said. “You know she always says to bring the tin back when the biscuits’s is gone so she can fill it up for you again.” Both hobbits looked over at the mangled remains of the little blue tin. “I don’t think you’ll be able to return that tin and the Widow don’t think too kindly on folks what don’t return her tins.”

Frodo gulped. “I’ll just have to get her a new one. One that looks suspiciously like the one that she give me.” Frodo looked away from the tin and back at the pony that was currently munching on a quill and swishing its tail. “We have more important things to trouble ourselves with just now, however.”

“Is that a rabbit?” Sam pointed toward the kitchen counter.

“Where?”

“Near the bread box,” Sam said.

“Thunder! That is a rabbit!” Frodo shouted. “That makes three of those that I’ve seen. I just don’t understand how this happened, Sam. All I did was swing open the door to let in some of the spring air.”

“You was readin’ in the parlor for a right long time, Mr. Frodo,” Sam pointed out.

“I don’t think it was long enough for all of these animals to make themselves at home in my kitchen,” Frodo objected.

“Didn’t you say that you did some workin’ in the study too?” Sam arched an eyebrow.

“I may have,” Frodo said slowly.

“Then you was out front playing with the little lads from up the Row,” Sam remained him. “You was learnin’ them that new game what Mr. Merry taught us last time he come here to visit. I was comin’ back from town and I heard them little ones singin’ the song that you sing when you play that game and then I heard all of you laughin’. You was out there for at least an hour.”

“All right, Sam,” Frodo said a bit grumpily. “I may have got busy and forgot the open door. I didn’t realize that you were spying on me.”

Sam looked shocked. “I weren’t doin’ no such thing, Mr. Frodo. I was on my way from town is all. You and them little ones were out there running about and singing and I couldn’t help but notice you. Then you’re the one what told me you was working in the study this afternoon and it was you that mentioned reading in the parlor.” Sam looked injured.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Frodo said quickly. “It’s just this entire situation has me on edge. I have rabbits and ponies in my kitchen!”

“Don’t forget that goat,” Sam said pointing to a large, grey animal chewing contently on the curtains.

“How could I forget that goat?” Frodo sighed rolling his eyes. “If only I could forget that goat. That animal ate the strap off of my best rucksack and then urinated on the rest of it.” Frodo wrinkled up his nose in disgust.

“What confuses me about this mess is why that little pony is wearin’ a saddle,” Sam said. “Seems odd that the little thing would be runnin’ about with a saddle and no rider.”

“If that’s all that confuses you about this then you’re very lucky,” Frodo said dryly.

“I don’t think I’ll be doin’ any cookin’ in there tonight, do you, Mr. Frodo?” Sam said.

“No, I suspect that cooking won’t be possible for some time,” Frodo said. “I think I will be having my supper at The Ivy Bush tonight in Hobbiton.”

Sam smiled. “I could get a rope from the barn and we could see if we might be able to lead that big pony out ‘o there. I still think the little one’ll follow ‘im.”

“I am thinking of getting the pitchfork from the barn and chasing the lot of them out,” Frodo said scowling. “As to cleaning up afterward, I am thinking about getting the wagon, backing it up to the door, and throwing everything in that kitchen into the wagon and carting it off.”

Sam frowned. “You might be able to save the chairs and the table”.

“I’m not certain that I want to,” Frodo said surveying the room. “I think that the goat urinated on two of the chairs and those ponies, or one of them anyway, have left a deposit on the upturned table.”

“Don’t smell much like flowers in there now, I’m guessin’,” Sam said hanging his head to avoid Frodo’s eyes. He didn’t want Mr. Frodo to see how amused he was. He really shouldn’t be but it was such an odd set ‘o events that you just had to laugh.

Suddenly, a small reddish ball sailed through the window nearly hitting the goat and then bounced on the floor. The smaller pony picked up the ball and began to chew on it as if it were an apple. “Who threw that!” Frodo shouted, standing up and looking out into the garden. “I want to know who threw a ball into my kitchen!”

Sam looked at the kitchen and shook his head. “That there ball is the least ‘o your troubles, Mr. Frodo. Besides, I think that little pony’s done eaten it.”

Frodo waved a fist toward a group of children standing as still as stone just out of his garden looking guilty and shouted, “Get off my property before I hang the lot of you to the nearest tree for your cheek! You don’t throw things into my kitchen and get away with it!”

The littlest of the children began crying and all of them ran as if they were being pursued by goblins. Frodo frowned, embarrassed by his over-reaction and he looked at Sam. “I don’t know what made me do that.”

“I guess you’re a might worked up over all them farm animals in your kitchen,” Sam said trying not to laugh. “Oh, at least you’ll be havin’ fresh eggs, Mr. Frodo. That there chicken what was roostin’ in your roastin’ pan is nestin’ there and I think you should have several eggs. My old Gaffer says she the finest layin’ hen that you have.”

“Wonderful!” Frodo groaned. “I’ve frightened the neighborhood children, there’s pony dung on the table, a goat has eaten my curtains, a I think those two brown rabbits are in the process of making more brown rabbits.”

Sam winced. “That’s what they’re doin’ all right. I ain’t never seen rabbits seein’ to their affairs in a bread box a’fore.” He smiled. “I did see a couple ‘o foxes cuddled up in a wheel barrow once but them rabbits in that bread box beats all.”

“That is one bread box that will NEVER be used as a bread box again,” Frodo declared. He began to rub his temples with his fingers and he said, “I am very glad that Bilbo isn’t here to see this. He’d have been furious. He’d have likely sent me off to live in a cave by myself for a thing like this. This is the sort of grand mess that Pippin might have made, Sam.”

“I don’t think Mr. Pippin could a done it better,” Sam said smiling. “If it was me, I’d be in there catchin’ them animals, Mr. Frodo instead ‘o out here watchin’ them. The longer there in there the more likely they are to move into some ‘o the other rooms.”

“Oh, they’ve moved in all right,” Frodo said eyeing the rabbits again. “They’ve made themselves right at home!”

“Oh, look!” Sam said surprised. “You got squirrels in your walnut sack!”

Frodo’s eyes widened.

“If you ask me,” Hamfast Gamgee said as he startled both of them by leaning in the window and patting the goat on the head. “At least one ‘o you has got walnuts in between your ears and both ‘o you are actin’ right squirrely.” He looked into the kitchen and said. “That little pony with the red saddle must be the one what run off from down by the forest behind the row. It dumped the littlest Bracegirdle on her backside and left her wailin’ so’s you could hear her all the way to the Brandywine River!”

“Well, you can tell that child that she needs to come up here and get her pony out of my kitchen,” Frodo said looking defiant.

The Gaffer grinned. “I’ll do that very thing and while I’m about it I’ll let the Widow know that you won’t be returnin’ her biscuit tin.” He turned to go and Frodo shouted. “Gaffer! Wait!”

Hamfast stuck his head back into the kitchen window. “Yes, Mr. Frodo?”

“Could you not mention the biscuit tin to the Widow Rumble just yet?” Frodo said. “I’m planning on trying to replace that before I explain what happened to her tin.”

The Gaffer shrugged. “Won’t matter. She’s a right caution about her tins. She pummeled old Tom Cotton near within an inch ‘o his life last Yule for misplacin’ one ‘o her tins. The Widow is right fond ‘o her tins. When she finds out that you let one ‘o them get busted up like that I suspect the King will come back a’fore you get any more biscuits outta her.”

“I imagine you’re right,” Frodo said mournfully.

The Gaffer took one last look into the kitchen, probably so he could describe it all accurately to his friends down at the Tavern and then he turned to go. “Least you ain’t got no pigs in there. Pigs make a big mess,” Hamfast said.

“Lucky for me,” Frodo sighed. “I’m so happy that I could go out dancing. There are no pigs in my kitchen and the smial is too small for a horse to get in!”

Sam grinned. “I’ll get that rope, Mr. Frodo. We can’t lure none ‘o them out ‘o there with food cause they’ve already ate but maybe we can drag them out.”

“Yes, now that the Gaffer is off reporting my insanity to the entire countryside, let’s see if we can get the livestock out of the pantry,” Frodo said sarcastically. As Frodo watched Sam leave for the barn he saw a bird land on the eave of the smial and he bowed low to it and waved an arm toward his still-open kitchen door. “Go in. Make yourself at home, Mr. Bird but I’d not get too close to that goat if I were you.”

The bird seemed to consider the offer but chose to fly away instead of into the kitchen. Perhaps the tiny creature could see that Bag End was already full to the brim with animals. Shrugging, Frodo leaned in the doorway and watched as a tiny mouse scurried across the floor and into an open sack of sugar. “In all the years that I’ve lived here Bag End has never had mice!” Frodo said annoyed. But, as Sam might say if he weren’t in the barn now, “That’s the least of your troubles, Mr. Frodo.” Frodo sighed deeply and leaned against the door jam. “What I need now is a large keg of ale. If I start drinking right now then in about an hour it shouldn’t matter that I’m standing outside of my ruined kitchen talking to myself. If I’m drunk this will all seem normal.” He sighed. “Who do I think I’m fooling? This is all about as normal as a goose rowing down the river in a boat!”

“At least,” Frodo said trying to find something reassuring. “They are all in the kitchen.” That was when he spotted the goat munching on the hair brush that he usually kept on his dressing table. It was then that Frodo let out a yell that caused Sam to coming running toward the smial, rope in hand, and that same yell was probably heard by the Elves in Rivendell. It was the end of the week before all of the squirrels were out of Bag End and the village of Hobbiton is still taking about Mr. Frodo Baggins keeping farm animals in his kitchen.

The End

GW 11/30/2007