Chapter 12: Small Things

It’s not hurting so bad anymore, dear, but sometimes the smallest things can still set me off crying. This afternoon it was Rose bringing out a tall glass of lemon water while I was taking a break from working in the garden. It was a hot day and I surely needed it, but more I needed you. The sun was right in my eyes when she came out and for a moment I almost thought it was you. I remembered all the times you used to bring out two glasses and sit on the bench with me, admiring the garden. I remember when I first put that bench in - after you had been so frightfully sick that summer after Mr. Bilbo left. I remember what my mum said about it being good to get out in the sun to recover your strength so I put out a bench where you could sit out there with your books or writing and just soak up the sun. I loved having you there as I worked. I’d look at you sometimes when you were reading, just to look at your light and your beauty and marvel that I was so lucky to have you there and be your friend. Sometimes I’d look up to see you already looking at me, with a soft smile and so much love in your eyes. But you’ll never sit here again. I haven’t sat down or even wanted to look at that bench since you left. But today I did.

I couldn’t help my tears when Rose came out today and I realized anew as I seem to do all the time that this is another thing you will never do again. Rose took me to sit on the bench and she held me and rocked me and murmured comforts while I cried helplessly in her arms. I have been such a mess, but my Rose has been a wonder. She has been so helpful, always knowing my heart, always ready to soothe it. And she knew just how to this time too. After I had finished my water, she brought me out Frodo-lad to hold and then she went back inside. He’s four months old now, but you know how he got wrapped around me heart just as soon as Rose told me she was expecting again. I know he was already wrapped around yours too just as quickly. I wish you could see him, dear. I wonder if somehow you already did, even before he was born. You told me there would be more children and I don’t doubt you. Your namesake has light brown hair and your beautiful eyes. I love him more than my life. And I marvel anew at how lucky I am to have known you, to have my Rose and Elanor and Frodo-lad. I am happiest when I think of you four and I know you would want that - for me to be happy. It’s still that hard at times, but sitting on that bench today, holding my son, stroking his curls, looking at his perfect face, fingers and toes, kissing his head gently, just watching him sleep, made me happy and at peace and I thank you and Rose for that.

I remembered all the times you slept just as trustingly in my arms and how I watched you and thought of how beautiful you were and how much I loved you. All the things I thought of today of my son also as I watched him sleep. I have been so blessed, so very blessed. And I promised you and myself what I have everyday since you left. I will see you again, my love. I will hold you again and watch you sleep and think again of how beautiful you are and how much more I love you.

Goodnight, my dear. Sleep well. I love you so very much.

* * *
I went to the market today, dear, and when I was nearly ready to leave with both arms loaded with bags, I heard someone laughing a bit behind me. It sounded so exactly like you I froze. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want to. It would ruin the illusion that you were there. So in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, I closed my eyes and just stood there and listened and pretended it was you. And then I cried all the way home with my head bowed. I was crying so hard I could barely see where I was going. I heard some of the louder whispers about my strange behavior, but I didn’t care. They’re right, anyway. I am cracked, my dear, or at least my heart is, cracked right open. When I got home, I just stood there inside the door, still with all these bags in my hands, still crying. I couldn’t stop. Rose came to me, took the bags from me and put them down and then just held me for the longest time. She didn’t say anything, just held me and I held her and that’s what I needed right then. She always knows. I don’t know what I ever did to be so lucky to know you both.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you and miss you so much.