Chapter Sixteen: Anniversaries

Happy birthday, my Frodo dear! I am writing this as I sit on the grass overlooking the Havens where you left nearly a year ago. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. It feels like forever. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, Rose, Elanor and Frodo-lad are here too. I’ve been watching them play together. I can see you in him already and it brings more joy than tears now. We came here to remember you. Not that we could ever forget you, mind, but it seemed appropriate to mark your birthday here, the closest we can come to you, the place where we all hoped there would be a rebirth for you, the release from pain, the comfort of peace. We laid out a picnic and stayed the whole day. There have been some tears, but there’s also been smiles and laughter in remembering the joy you gave us and the love you always gave and we feel reach us even now.

We saw a rainbow today too and that just caught us breathless for a moment for it seemed to reach over to you. How we all wanted to climb it so we could go over to you! It was so beautiful.

Enjoy your day, dear. We all thank you for your presents - your presence in our lives that continues even now. Know that we are always thinking of you, that we love you and miss you more than we can say.

I’m going to say goodnight early and join in some of the fun my lass and lad are having. Sleep well tonight, dear, wrapped in love.

* * *

I saw the most beautiful rainbow today, Sam. It arched right over the Sea and I imagined it reached the Shire and you could see it. It was wonderful to see, almost like you had given me a birthday present, instead of me giving you one. How I longed to walk that path myself, to bring you here or to come back to stay with you. But you are where you need to be and I am where I need to be. One day, though, one day, my Sam, you will be here or so I hope and pray every day.

I love you so much.

* * *

I spent a long time looking up at the stars and moon tonight, the first anniversary of your leaving, thinking of you, dear. Night time is when I feel closest to you so I’ve been doing this every night for some months now. Sometimes Elanor or Frodo-lad will sit on my lap and I will tell them the stories of the stars just like you taught me. Another memory I cherish. But most of the time, I am out here by myself.

What stars do you see, dear, from where you are? What does the moon look like? I look at that the most, wondering if you are looking up at it at the same time, if only through your bedroom window. Do you still want to be inside, safe and cozy in your own room, once the sun sets or have you learned to love the night again like you always used to before all the terrible things happened? Have you been able to enjoy your pipe again? I hope you have rediscovered how beautiful and peaceful the night can be, how soothing it can be just to smoke and look at the stars. I have.

Do you have a garden where you are where you can sit, close your eyes and raise your head to the sun? Do you have trees you can sit against and read and write the day away or just listen to the sounds of the birds and the peace in your mind and heart? Oh, my dear, I hope you have found all these and long ago.

I can’t wait to be with you, dear. I miss you so much, but at night, when I think that we could be both looking up at the same moon but from different sides, I can almost believe I am with you, that you are almost close enough to see, to touch, to talk to. I can imagine seeing your back as you walk along the long road we are traveling on. I can see you turn around and smile at me and wrap me in all that love you have in you and encourage me to keep going. Believe me, dear, I need no encouragement! Seeing you makes me want to run to you that instant and hold you and feel your arms around me and hear you laugh. But you are so far ahead of me. You turn around again, but your encouragement does not stop. You are always walking away from me, but I’m always walking toward you. One day I will catch up. You will never be so far ahead that I can’t see you.

Goodnight, my love. Sleep well. I love you so much.

* * *

I spent the night of October 5^th in the dark room, Sam, and I woke on the 6^th at peace and in my right mind. The illness did not come. It did not come, Sam!