Chapter Fifty-Nine: Holfast

Frodo-lad is a Pa, dear! Maybe I shouldn’t even call him lad anymore since he’s now got a lad of his own, but I think he will always be that to me. The babe’s name is Holfast. He is beautiful, with large, round eyes and a small tuft of sandy brown hair already on his head and the softest down on his feet. I can’t believe that I was holding another grandchild! For some reason, I don’t think Rose is surprised. I caught her looking at me holding him earlier today and she had the softest, most wonderful, peaceful smile on her face that I couldn’t help but return. She looked proud of me, though I couldn’t entirely figure out why until she told me the new lad was another reward for what I had done for you, now so many years ago. I didn’t protest with anything other than my eyes and my heart. I still don’t believe I did anything more than what I set out to do, but though I can win arguments with you, dear, I never can with her. She believes what she believes and I don’t even want to argue with all that love I see in her eyes for me, for her son and now her grandson. It’s a marvel to behold, just as this child is.

And I know in my heart that the lad is more a reward for you, than me. I walked beside you. You bore the burden. So when I kissed the newest addition to our family to welcome him, I silently thanked you once more for filling my life and heart to bursting. I could have never imagined how full my life would be, who I was helping to protect when I was protecting you. You always knew though. You named half of my children before I did. Did you know even then, trudging on to Mordor, who you were doing it all for, generations you would never see but in your heart’s eyes? I know you were doing it for me, for Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, but you were also doing it for all of Middle-earth, so we could all live free and in peace and bring our children up in the light. Maybe you weren’t thinking that far ahead, but maybe you were. I can’t wait to come and tell you about everyone you saved. Sometimes I think it will be hard to leave everyone, but not a day goes by when I don’t look forward to seeing you again.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you.

* * *

Oh, my Sam, it’s nearly impossible to tie yourself up in fretful knots here, but sometimes I still do manage it anyway. I’ve had the great joy of listening to a new melody gain strength within the Song and as it burst out today, I danced around my tree and shouted praise and thanksgiving to Iluvatar for another marvelous gift He has given you. And I felt Frodo-lad’s joy almost as much as yours. I was so happy for you, but fretful for my selfish self. How I wonder will you ever want to leave all of these blessings? You made so many sacrifices for me on the Quest and afterwards, how can I possibly ask or hope that you will want to make more, to walk away from so many more than I did?

I remember all the love you have lavished on me since you were nine, the handkerchiefs offered during colds, the shoulder to cry on, the refuge of your arms and the comfort of hearing your heart. I remember all the meals and teas you made for me, the songs you sang, the kisses you bestowed, the tears you wiped, the nights you went with little or no sleep just so I could have some. And I think of all the times you must have done that for all your lads and lasses and now your grandchildren and I wonder how can you ever want to leave that?

I have been so blessed by you in my life, dearest brother mine, so very, very blessed. I just want to one day tell you that. That’s all I want anymore in this life - just to see you again, hold you again, hear your voice and look into your beautiful face. So to that end, I continue my daily, selfish begging to Iluvatar that I will see you one day on these shores, that you will come to the home that is just waiting for you and you will come to know our Creator as well. Outside of Him, I could have no better friend than you, my Sam. Soul of my soul. My brother. All that is bright and beautiful in the Shire. All the time we were on the Quest and the darkness filled me more and more and the Ring stole everything I held dear, all my memories, I just had to look at you and be reminded of it all. Even now all I need to do is think of you and I am back in the Shire. You sustained me when otherwise I would have fallen into madness and I hope one day I can thank you for that. I know I never could properly, but still I wish I can see you again to at least try.

I’ve confessed to Gandalf my wonder that Iluvatar is not sick of my badgering Him for that one last blessing when He has already given me so many. Our dear wizard laughed gently and hugged me tight and assured me that was not the case. “Eru delights in giving His children gifts,” he said. “And since Sam is one of His greatest to you, don’t doubt that He will rejoin the two halves of the soul that you and Sam have long shared.”

That much consoled me. Gandalf was looking like he does when he knows something before I do, so my peace returned and my certainty that you will come. And I have learned more and more to place my complete trust in the One who made us. I surrendered myself to Him at the Council all those years ago when I didn’t even know Who I was placing myself in the care of and He has never abandoned me. I know you won’t either, my Sam. I have dreamed at times how much you want to come and have woken comforted from them. I know even if you don’t come, you are still with me, but I do believe I will see you here one day and how I will burst with joy then!

I love you, my heart, I love you so.