Chapter Twelve: On the Road

Oh, how I wish the first night out from Bree could have been what it almost seemed, just you, me, Merry and Pippin on a hobbit walking party, enjoying ourselves as we had on many a trip. Pippin would have still complained about short cuts and long cuts, but that would have been part of the fun. Of course, Strider wouldn’t have been there, but it was not his presence that ruined the illusion that a happy jaunt through the Shire was all this was. We couldn’t forget the previous night.

But you three didn’t complain much, perhaps like me, too distracted scratching as we sloughed through those terrible marshes and were nearly driven into a panic by those Neekerbreekers. I marvel and love you three so much for all you endured for love of me. I have never thanked Aragorn either for all he bore to keep us safe.

It was because I couldn’t sleep that I saw the lightning flash in the distance our fourth night out. Gandalf fighting with the Nazgul on Weathertop. Another person I loved, endangered because of me, because of what I carried, because he cared about me and wanted to help me. I’ve been surrounded by so much love, by so many people willingly endangering their own lives to keep me safe, you three who have long held my heart in your joint keeping, strangers who have become friends so dear. You have all been so faithful, enduring so much privation, especially you, my Sam, my dearest brother and guardian, because you would not leave my side.

Soon, though, I must show myself to be faithless, to say ‘I tried but I can’t bear it anymore.’ I’ve stayed overlong in the houses of lamentation and my soul cries for relief. I left more and more pieces of myself behind as the Eye sought to devour me and now I must find those missing parts. I had hoped it would be in the Shire, but it is along another Road and this one I must travel alone, but for Ring-bearers’ before me. It is such a comfort to know that Bilbo will be walking alongside me and Gandalf, and to have the hope that you will be one day beside me once more. That is giving me the strength to leave. Nothing else could. I would beg you to forgive me for breaking your heart once more, but I know you already have even now. I hope one day to be fully worthy of that tremendous love and to show you the fruits of it, your brother healed and happy again. I would like to see you happy as well, instead of worried about me. That day will come or I hope it will, but it will not come here.  Even as that hope has proved vain,   there are others I cling to as I often clung to your hope during our journey. I cannot abandon that hope completely even as it appears to abandon me, not as long as there are those who still believe, like you.  While you do, I will also. Your hope is like the lightening in the sky that brightens the night. My light in dark places. So you have ever been to me. 

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The first day out from Bree was actually almost enjoyable if one didn’t think too hard of what had happened the night before. But how we suffered through the Marshes! Mr. Pippin spoke very truly when he said there were more midges than water! I still do wonder what they eat when they can’t have hobbit. They feasted on us all right. I couldn’t believe how miserable we all were. And those Neekerbreekers! We thought we would all go mad from their incessant racket, unable to sleep from that noise and the swarm of midges that crawled on us everywhere.

But Strider wouldn’t have dragged us and himself through them if it wasn’t necessary and I would do it again if I had to. We all would, just to keep you safe, to let you know how important you were to us. We love you so much, my dear. Just get well and happy and whole again. That’s all we want. And to know that you have healed. Somehow I think we will and you will know that we have too. And I will see that and show you someday with my own eyes, not just with my heart. Your light will guide me there, love, over the Sea.