Chapter Twenty-Four: Mighty Gifts

We spent so much together with Bilbo, you and I, listening to tales and songs, just like we used to at Bag End before the Shadow fell and eclipsed my heart and touched yours, when all was bright and we dreamed of adventures of our own. Oh, my Sam, we will never do that again. How that grieves me. I will be with Bilbo soon again and I long for that, but I won’t be with you and when you come - I will not say if, I could not bear it if you did not so I must hope my last hope that you will indeed come - it will be too late to be with Bilbo. We hobbits have to stick together, especially Bagginses, he said the day before we left. You have long been a honorary Baggins, my brother, or is it that I am a honorary Gamgee? But I fear it will be very long before you and I see each other again. We will, though. I have to believe that. I would have no strength to leave if I did not. I would rather suffer here, then to know I wouldn’t. I wish I had the strength to stay, but I do not. I will not heal here, that bitter truth I have finally accepted. And I will have you see me well again, no shadows deep under my eyes from lack of sleep, no shadows deep inside them from darkness that I still battle. I want you to see me smile again. I want to have you hear me laugh again. I want to hear that myself. I want to look in a mirror and not see a stranger with hollowed-out eyes reflecting the emptiness within. I don’t want to fear anymore that you see the same when you look at me. Those are the gifts I want to give you, my stoutest, dearest guardian, as mighty as the ones Bilbo gave me before we left. They protected my body as well as could be and I would be dead without them. You protected my spirit that no sword or mithril mail could and I would be dead without you. I promise to take care of both body and spirit until you can come to do so again. I will not fail in that as I have in everything else. You will see me healthy and happy again. The same white shores that call to me will call to you. You will hear it deep in your heart and one day you will hearken to it as I will soon do myself. I will be there when you do. Perhaps it will be my voice that you will hear in the Sea. I will not promise not to call you before you are ready, for I know that is a promise I cannot keep. My heart will call you day and night, but I will pray you will not hear me until you are ready to leave. You have so much to live for here, my Sam, so very much. I will not take you away from it again. But upon whitest sands, I will await my turn to have you near me once more.

* * *

I think of Mr. Bilbo sometimes and wonder how you two are doing. I am glad he is with you when I can’t be because he’s always taken such wonderful care of you, of us both. I remember how cheery he always was, always with a kind word for my Gaffer and help whenever it was needed. He never hesitated to go out of his way to be kind to me too, from the time I was just a little lad and followed my Gaffer around in the garden, pulling up weeds. He always had a sweet for me and gentle words of encouragement of how well I was doing. He gave me so much. He gave me you. Even before I met you, my dear, I knew you and loved you, because he was always talking about you and how excited he was that you were coming. I knew everything about you even before you came and I have loved you more and more ever since. I know I will even more by the time I see you again. I don’t suppose there is hope I will see Mr. Bilbo, but just knowing that you and he are together and sharing tales and teas and everything else that proper hobbits do eases my heart some. It’s good that you won’t be the only one there, at least for a time. Of all the gifts he gave me, the greatest is what he gave you - Sting and that mithril mail. You would have died without that shirt and the world would be so much darker. Now instead, though you are gone, I can dream of the light I will see in you again. You are with Elves and you will be happy and whole. I can already see how bright you will be shining. That’s what’s lighting the dark places in my own heart where it still hurts so much. The light in you that helped me heal when my mum died is the same light that will heal me now. I wish I could thank Mr. Bilbo for all he did to make that shine out. Perhaps I will speak it to the wind and he will hear somehow.