Chapter Twenty-Five: Into the Shadows

We left at dusk and traveled mostly in the dark, appropriate for the journey that drove us ever onward into deeper and deeper black. I am still on that Road and am as weary now as I was then. I know you are ever beside me, my beloved, but your feet and heart are also in the sun-blessed Shire, warm where I am cold. I wish I could be there with you instead of this gloom. I wish I was something more than a shadow walking through shadows. Instead I am here, even when you hold me at night, rock me and murmur and stroke my curls and I hold onto you so tight and listen to your voice and heart and know that you are still alive and I can live a little myself then through you. Still, it is you entering my world, not me entering yours and I hesitate to have you linger here, though I know you would for love of me. For many months you did that very thing as we traveled forth and that is already far more than anyone should have to.

Elrond told us before we left that we did not know the strength of our hearts. I don’t think he was expecting any to be following all the way to Mordor, but to give aid as long as heart and strength allowed. Only I was expected to succeed or at least make a stronger attempt than anyone. But I was the only one who failed. You followed me all the way to the Fire, proving your great heart and will. The others would have too, I’m sure, but they were meant for other tasks. Merry helped slay the Witch-king, Pippin saved Faramir’s life, you saved mine, Boromir saved my cousins, Aragorn called the Dead to fight, Gandalf defeated the Balrog. They all succeeded far beyond anyone’s hopes. I wish I could say the same. But even as the wind found a way past our clothes and chilled us for days and days, so the Ring found a way past every defense I tried to put up against it. I fought it so long, Sam. I am still fighting it. You have no idea how bitter that struggle was and is, how hard it was to hold on, how it was a fight just to take a breath or another step forward. You do know some of that last and you helped me hold on much longer than I ever thought I could, but you could not stop what it was doing to me inside. It tried to draw me into its madness and it tempted and taunted and jeered and promised and I listened, at times I believed its lies that seemed truths. It was never silent. It never took no for an answer, though I shouted that so many times I thought I would go mad myself. In the end I was reduced to whispering my negation and then at the very end to saying yes. I did go mad then and since then I have been trying to piece back what it did not take from me and I have found that there is too little left, only scraps, not enough to rebuild a life with. I’m sorry, Sam, I’m so sorry. We expected to die on the mountain, but I was already dying bit by bit already along the way.

* * *

Lord Elrond said none of us knew the strength of our hearts and he spoke true at that. I never would have thought we could have done what we did. We dreamed of adventures all the time in the Shire, but we never knew what danger was truly like. We always went home at the end of the day or had a comfortable hot meal by the fire and a warm sleeping bag on soft moss. Nothing ever threatened us and we never went cold or hungry or thirsty. We thought we were being that brave fighting off our imaginary dragons and such, though I will say that you did your best to make it seem real. But it wasn’t. Your face always shone then, there was no strain, no haunting to those beautiful depths, only fun and cheer. Your laughter was free and clear and I had just as much fun as you. Then our Quest came and you changed, we both did. There grew inside you a hard, terrible power that nothing could go against. I know the Ring tried horribly hard to beat you down, but you didn’t let it. It grew more and more heavy around your neck and I could see in your eyes, it was doing awful things inside of you too, but you never gave in. I felt that myself for that short time I bore it and remain in awe that you endured it so much longer and didn’t break asunder. There was times you begged for rest, but you kept going. We were starved and parched and so weak, but there was a strength in you that nothing could stop. You were so determined that despicable thing wouldn’t win that you crawled when you couldn’t walk anymore. You made it to the Fire on willpower that the Ring could not defeat. I was amazed at how strong you were. Your light shone in the darkness more and more. It shone brightest at the Fire just before the Ring tried its last trick to smote it out. It couldn’t. It tried everything and it still couldn’t win. I know it hurt you terrible and I know the hurt didn’t go away when it did, how I wish more than anything that it had, but still you won, dear. It is gone and you aren’t. You are no longer in the Shire, but you are still alive and where you now, I know your light will shine even brighter. I think of your victory every time the pain gets too much. I look at Elanor and my Rose and the garden and think they are all there because of you. I could never thank you right enough, but I’m still going to try.

Gimli said before we set out that darkness would not make him abandon you and vows he had taken would strengthen him against fear. Lord Elrond said it was easy to say that when one hadn’t faced the night. But we did face it and we kept going, ever closer and deeper in terrible darkness. Terrors we couldn’t even have imagined we traveled through and fought against. They all made me cleave even more to you, to get you through, to pass into the dawn, though there were times I wondered if we ever would. You have always been my hero, my Frodo, but never more than those months we toiled so long and hard. I rejoiced to hear what little laughter you had left. It was like rain falling on parched ground, honey after a bitter draught. I can’t wait to hear it again. I love you, my dearest dear. I love you so much, so very much.