Chapter Twenty-Six:  Watchers

We knew we were being watched in Hollin when those black crows kept coming over. But I knew I had been watched even before I left the Shire, ever since Gandalf had told me the history of the Ring. Perhaps it was partly an overactive imagination fostered by too many tales, but it grew on me. Do you have any idea, Sam, how it feels to be totally exposed and vulnerable to your worst enemy, to have your heart and soul bare to its piercing Eye, to have no way to keep any bit of yourself hidden, to lose yourself bit by bit? I felt each step of mine was being traced. I know that not to be true, for many of them I took without his knowledge, but still I knew I could be betrayed at any moment and betrayed by myself and so betray all of you as well. He didn’t have to know my every step. The Ring was with me. That was enough. It called ever to him and I heard it. It made sure I did. How it mocked me constantly, used me, tormented me and filled me with such dark terrors, I could but stumble along, ignore it as best I could, clench my jaw so hard it ached to keep from screaming, from going mad. And the majority of our journey was still ahead. I thought of the maps again and fought off despair. How could I bear my burden so long? But I had been chosen and so I trusted and hoped for strength. It was a blessing to see the sun at times for I was being drawn into darker and darker depths. Each step I took I was coming closer to him. And I was taking those steps willingly. We all were. I feared for the dark paths that Gandalf and Aragorn debated about that they also feared. I feared the dark shape that momentarily snuffed out the stars. I felt the cold sting my heart. There was nothing to do, though, but go on. I still wonder at it all. How different it was from the adventures we had dreamed of. How little did we know about how dark it would be.

* * *

I didn’t like the look of those crows that kept flying over. I agreed with Mr. Pippin that it was a nuisance not to be able to have a hot meal for once. That would have lifted all our spirits as much as the extra rest and some sun did. It was wonderful to see you raise your head to the sun and absorb some of its rays, as though augmenting your own light with it. Mr. Gandalf said it would be getting warmer the further south we went and that was welcome but I didn’t wonder that by the end it would much warmer than anyone of us wanted. Still to the Fire our path was laid. If we knew we were being watched, then I hope you remembered, dear, that you were being watched by all of us too and there wasn’t anything we wouldn’t do to protect you. Your way was the hardest, but we were all there to share in it as best we could.

I wish I could have walked with you until the end. But it didn’t end at the Fire where it should have. Your Road continued and I wonder now what paths your feet tread. I like to imagine it’s like the Shire and Rivendell and the Lady’s Wood, all rolled into one. Nothing but soft grass between your toes, sunshine for your face, warm breezes against your cheek and a joy bubbling up in you that makes you want to sing and dance. I wish I knew whether I was right or not, but that’s the way I see it in my dreams. You are still being watched, but there is nothing but peace and joy and love in you in that knowledge. And I’m not the only one doing it. I can’t rightly explain it all to myself, but I think there is much to that land you are in now that isn’t here and that is why you had to leave. It’s like you are closer to the Sun and there is no darkness, even when it’s night. Oh, that doesn’t make a bit of sense, does it, but that’s the way my heart makes it. When I see you at night now, in your room, lit by moonlight and I say goodnight to you, you look less strained, more beautiful and I smile at that. I hope I can keep watching over you like this every night. I know one day I will see you smiling just like you always did when I’d come to wake you in the morning before any of this happened. I will laugh in joy at that and cry and do a little dance myself.