Chapter Twenty-Seven:  Marching Toward Doom

I couldn’t sleep so I chanced to overhear Gandalf and Aragorn talking about our path to come. It was perilous indeed to take each step forward, closer and closer to doom. But it had to be done. I understood that. How I dreaded it, but still I had many with me, stronger and wiser and stouter of heart and it was this debate of two of those that I listened to anxiously. I know I couldn’t do this alone. I would have been overcome, if not by the Ring, by the elements or his servants, wandering lost in pathless wilds. It was very good I had companions to guide me and friends to cheer me, but still it weighed ever on my heart what I was doing - sending many of those I most loved into deadly danger. I know you and my brother cousins would have it no other way and how very often I have breathed prayers of thanks for that and shed tears that I have been blessed with such love and loyalty and grieved that such dangers had to come to you all. But as Gandalf would said, our journeying together was meant to be. The world is actually safer because of what three hobbits did. I did my best too, but I couldn’t have done it without you, my Sam, my heart and soul, the one bit of good that the Ring never stole from me, though it tried. It tried.

And so many other things tried to stop us. The wind, the snow, the wargs. All these terrible things that you three and the rest of the Company had to endure because of me. All the ways you could have died and it would have been because you had been with me. I cannot keep from crying out from my nightmares that I wake from to find you already holding me, rocking me, shushing me and brushing at my curls. I hold onto you until I can calm and stop trembling. You have learned not to ask out loud what the dreams were about because you know I will not tell you, but you cannot stop the questions from forming in your eyes, so loving and full of concern and sorrow. I wish sometimes I could tell you, because maybe that would banish them, but all I really need is to know that you are alive still, that you are holding me and looking at me and you haven’t died from the cold or the heat, from a warg’s bite or a spider’s or the bite of an orc blade or from hunger or thirst or at my own hand. Those dreams are the worst and the ones that cause me to scream the loudest and shed the most tears, tears you wipe. I can see that you desperately want me to tell you why they were there, but I can’t. It’s enough to know that were only nightmares, that you haven’t been harmed.

I was drawing danger to all of us throughout the Quest, but I had to be drawn away from danger at the same time. The way through the Gap of Rohan that may have been easier Gandalf would not dare take us because of me, because of the Ring. I was glad that Gandalf’s secret plan whatever it was was not heeded that night I heard it spoken of. If even Aragorn feared it, it must have fearsome indeed and I had no heart to wish to face it myself. Still I already felt myself changing. It was not an evil change, not what it became at times, but something I felt harden within me. I knew I could not turn back without shame and greater defeat than I could imagine. I feared greatly going forward, knowing every step was taking me closer to him, but what kept me going was the determination to stop him, to do what I could, to save you and all those I loved. You have guarded me as well, my Sam, even as you guided me at the end to the heart of danger, because there we had to go and by then my strength was so close to failing and at the very end, it failed utterly. Still you were there to guard me, through the end.

But now I must go forward alone, dearest, and let go of your hand that I have held so long as I had to let go of all the other hands I have held on this journey. Still our hearts and souls are bound and there I hope ever to dwell. I would fear for that if I did not already know you will forgive me even this terrible wound as you have forgiven me all the others. Anywhere and everywhere, you have always followed me and so I have hope you will follow me even over the Sea. I shall meet you there, take your hand again and never let it go. I love you, my Sam. Thank you for guarding me.

* * *

I would have loved the snow a lot more if we had been back home and it had all fallen while we slept and we could have risen to a bright sunny day with all the white gleaming, just calling to us to play in it as was so rare for us to do. I remember the snow forts we used to build, the snow hobbits and the figures we would make in snow by laying down and waving our arms and legs back in forth. How you shone during those days. I could see it even then on our journey while the snow fell so deep around us, we could have been buried in it over our heads. There was so little shelter, just a wall to lean against, instead of being inside with a nice mug of spiced cider, wrapped in blankets as you read me a tale or we listened to one of Mr. Bilbo’s. I was growing so sleepy in that cold, that I could have fallen asleep and dreamed that very thing. The only thing the memory and reality would have in common was the fire, but it was not the cheery one at Bag End, but one of desperation and the cider was replaced by an Elven drink that was even better. What heart it put back into us! We were all hopeful that we could return to Rivendell, but it wouldn’t have been right. We had a job to do, all of us and turning back wouldn’t have done it right.

The howls of the wargs nearly took my heart away, but we were safe and sound with Mr. Gandalf and Strider and Legolas. As I believe you are safe and sound now with Mr. Gandalf and Mr. Bilbo and the Elves. It tears at me something fierce to remember your last look at me as you left, but there was also so much love there and there was light and I will see that again. I have seen it all throughout this journey and I will once more. The Ring tried to take it all from you, to take you from me, but it couldn’t. Not even now. You have always been watched over, my dear, and until I can come to do it again myself, I will rest a little easier knowing that you are with others that have already kept you safe.