Chapter Twenty-Eight: Choices

The choice had been made to enter the mines. There was no other way, but nearly all of us feared it, even Aragorn and that frightened me. Only Gimli welcomed it and living in holes ourselves, we should have welcomed it, but we didn’t. We traveled for hours and at last came to the Door. I hated the feel of the foul water on my feet. I feared the pool, though I did not know why. And to learn, dear Sam, that you would be parted from your beloved Bill is another stab at my heart, another sacrifice that you had to make for me,. And though you were rewarded for it later, I am still sorry that it had to be made. You’ve made so many sacrifices for me and continue to do so, wrapped in the little and large gifts of love you give to me each day and have since the day I first met you. I know most of them you would not see as sacrifices, indeed you would not see any of them so, but I know some of them are - the nights you’ve stayed up with me, holding me so I can sleep; all the steps you took with me to Mordor; the food and drink and rest you went without so I could have some; the life you were willing to lay down as the price for all your devotion; that you were even willing to risk drowning to be with me. How blessed I am, my brother, by your presence in my life, how very blessed. I anxiously await already that day you will be once more and that I realize will be another sacrifice. I am already dreading the loss of you and wonder how I can bear it. People hail me for being brave for doing all I did. I think the bravest - or the most foolish - is yet to come, when I let go of your hand and venture forth into the unknown without you.

You chose to enter the unknown with me. You traveled far and wide simply because you didn’t want me to be alone. Merry and Pippin did the same as far as they could and now soon I must go forth without them as well, but at least, as much as my heart as always been in the keeping of you three, I will still remain in our beloved Shire, and I will be taking a bit of you all with me into the West. That comforts me while nothing else can. And Bilbo who has held my heart even longer will be with me. I could not do this without having him at least at my side and the hope that you will one day join me.

We had reason to fear the dark as we entered Moria. It was more than physical, at least for me. It was behind me, ahead of me, in me. It was around my neck. It could sense it easier now because of my wound. That thing in the water had not reached for me by sheer accident. It had chosen me. I could see easier in the dark but that did not comfort me. A dread descended on me. The shard that came so near my heart had been removed, but a thing just as deadly had been placed over it. There is no escape from it in this world.

* * *

Mr. Gandalf said I had to choose - between Bill and you. There was no choice, not really. How it tore at my heart to have to let him go, but I had to. It was for you that I was here. It was you I would follow all the way to the Fire. It was you I planned to take home with me. So into the dark we went, while part of my heart remained a while outside, with Bill. Then it drew back wholly to you. It remains still with you, as much as it is here in the Shire with Rose and Elanor. It has always been so. And a bit of you remains here and that comforts me until I can see you again. I know I will. Just be there when I come, please, dearlove. Just be there. I will follow you anywhere. You know that. Even over the Sea.