Chapter Thirty: Reflections and Not

Outside of Moria, Gimli showed us the wonder of the Mirrormere, Kheled-zarum. And it was a wonder to behold for it was like Galadriel’s mirror in a way, showing not just a reflection in its water, but something else entirely. Stars were there, though the sun shone above. Of ourselves, we saw nothing. That is the way it is now with me, with any mirror or so I tell myself. A figure does stare back at me, but is it me? Isn’t it a stranger? But the lie does not work. I may not recognize who one I see, or perhaps I know all too well who it is and I do not want to know. I know it is myself, who I am now, hurt beyond help in this world, hollowed out and nothing but a frame left and a broken heart and soul laboring on. I need to leave, to find another self, another mirror. One in which the figure will smile back at me and be filled with something else than this emptiness. I need that person to be me.

We traveled on past the mysterious water, full of grief and weariness and hurt. We were so doggedly following the others, but getting more and more behind, then finally we were rescued and carried to camp. You were treated and told you would heal. You have healed from all the wounds you took, dearest Sam, because you would not leave me, except for the one I see every day in your eyes, the worry that you can’t ease the burden I carry even now. I hope there will come a day when you are healed even of that, when you know that I am well and I know you are. That day I will rejoice.

* * *

It was strange not seeing our reflections in the water Gimli took us to. Lovely it was, to see the stars and the mountains, but it was as though we weren’t even peering in. It’s beyond me to figure out.

But one reflection I saw earlier was that of Mr. Bilbo’s love for you in that mithril shirt. What a surprise that was! A wonder to behold and no mistake. I think I worried about you a tad less because of it. Your body at least would be safe, especially once those nasty bruises healed, but how I wish I could have had some mithril to guard your heart with. That was wide open as it always had been and it took such terrible hurt.

Still it wasn’t defeated. Not even now with you gone because it was still so broke. It continues to beat and I know it’s growing stronger. I just know it is. I have treasured it more than my own and I will hear it again. The hearts of my children beat and will beat because yours never failed. Thank you, dear. Thank you that much. You will have to wait a long while I think before I can say that you personally, but I hope somehow you know that you have saved so many lives and given me joy even now in my hurt and I hope that will help you heal. Oh, how I wish I could be there to see it myself! But I think I do see it. I watched you sleep tonight and there was a small smile on your lovely face. You were hallowed. I watched that smile for hours I did.