Chapter Thirty-Three: Probing

The grief over Gandalf’s loss came anew when we spoke of it to Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel. At least that one hurt had been completely assuaged. The Lady’s probe when it came to me was a test that I feared I would fail, for she probed gently but deeply and I saw all my fears and hopes and doubts, all my weaknesses that I had been struggling against. She judged me then, a stranger, but I think I passed her test and came away, almost a friend, strengthened, though I wasn’t sure how. She knew how much I wanted to be home or be with Bilbo. She saw how afraid I was. But as she saw my heart which was in such darkness of fear and grief, she also showed it anew to me. It was surrounded by darkness, true, but illuminating it and it alone was a soft light that came from no source that I could see, but it was there and it comforted me. I had a feeling I was understood in a way no one else could, not even you, dearest Sam, because she knew something of the burden of carrying a ring. I held that light to me as much as I could as the Ring sought to destroy it, just as much as I tried to hold yours to me. I think I still see it. It’s much more diffuse now, dimmer, but it’s still there and I have to hope it will grow strong again, for I am weary almost beyond bearing of wandering lost in the dark.

* * *

I didn’t feel right when the Lady looked at me, that’s a fact. She was judging all of us, even Strider, though she knew him well. And she saw my heart true - I did want to be at home with the garden but even more, I wanted to be with you. I know she saw that too. I don’t understand how being simply looked at could tire a body out so much, but then she did do more than look and that part I understand even less. Still, she smiled at the end and there are few wonders greater than that blessing and the hope and strength she gave, letting us rest in the fair land she held safe.