Chapter Forty-Two: The Light Within

Oh, my sweet Sam, there were few joys on our terrible Road, but most had to do with you, like those coneys you cooked for us and your wondering about the tale we were in. What a blessing it was to be Ithilien, among grasses, fresh air and fragrant flowers, after such a horrible trek through the Marshes and what lay beyond. Though we remained in the lands of the Enemy, one could almost forget it in that still fair land. What a joy it was just to hear you laugh as we breathed deep life again instead of decay. To hear that did my heart greater good than anything. I have led you onto such dark paths, dearest, and you follow me still, there is no other way for you, so it was a reward and a relief to hear you then, to see each of your smiles then and now and know that the Shadow had left no shadow upon you. You have never lost your heart’s cheer that so sustained me and still does. You and Merry and Pippin hold me here, blessing my life, and how I wish the bonds that gently but firmly entwine me with you three were strong enough to hold off the torment that still consumes me. I don’t believe anymore that anything can, except my last flickering hope of leaving and seeking relief elsewhere. I must believe that those bonds will stretch across the Sea. I would die if they did not. I think I see them at times, so strong. You have seen so much of me, Sam, how the Ring tried to destroy me and still you have done nothing but love me and grieve for me and done everything you could to ease me. I have to believe that will continue, no matter what the foul voices whisper and shout at me in the night where there is no light but the light I see from you and behind you, that light from the source I can’t see. How many times I have lain awake or stood at your door, staring at one or another of those lights. Thank you, my Sam.

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What a relief to get back into living land again! We were still not far from the Gate that slowly disappeared behind us, but to soothe our feet by walking on grass, to drink deeply of clear, clean water, to be able to bathe again! You were able to sleep deeply and peacefully and for that I am ever grateful. Too few times were you able to do that and too many times I know you were robbed of it long after we returned home.

I held you each night I found you still awake, long after midnight, laying on your side, staring off into what I didn’t know and hardly dared to think about. But I wanted to be there with you, wherever it was. You never told me, leastways not freely, if you take my meaning. There were times you spoke as though in a dream about the Fire and having no place to rest. I don’t think you even knew you were talking aloud. Most times you didn’t speak at all, just laid your head wearily against my shoulder and held me and sometimes you cried. You tried to hold it all in, but sometimes it was just too much and my heart broke at what your tears told me. I just held you, rocked you, stroked your curls, sang to you, anything I could think of to ease you until you were finally able to sleep, still holding onto me. I held you a while longer, like I’ve held Elanor and now our Frodo, and you seemed like a child too to me, so trustingly resting in my arms. There was a peace there like there was when you rested while I cooked the coneys and even the slightest hint of a smile sometimes. I would have held you forever if all that was because you were holding me, but after a long while, I kissed your head and left you. Other times I came and you were already asleep and I watched you a long while like I did that day and I marveled as I did then about the light that came from you, enough almost to outshine the moon. It has ever grown brighter, making you more beautiful. How brightly you are shining now, my dear! And I think it is but a reflection of how you must really be now.

Thank you for all you did, my love. These terrible bones I saw in Ithilien would have numbered many, many more if you hadn’t done what you did. You may have given up hope of returning from the Mountain, but I couldn’t. I had to get you home. Are you home now, dear? When we were growing up and I followed you everywhere, you always had the air of something else about you. You were very much a hobbit, but something more too. I sometimes saw Mr. Bilbo looking at you with a fond smile and love and I knew he was thinking the same thing. Sometimes he’d see me looking and he’d nod and smile at me, knowing I saw what he saw, and would call you ‘our dear Elvish hobbit’. Ours. I always loved the way he said that. I don’t think you were ever aware of it. The Shire was the land that birthed you, but another made you, some place even fairer than any Elven land. I can’t tell you how I know but my heart knows it's true. Nothing as beautiful as you could have been made just here.