6: Awakening

Author’s Note: This chapter is inspired, but not dictated, by Nilmandra’s description of Glorfindel’s re-embodiment in her story History Lesson: Second Age, particularly, chapter 3, "Visions of Danger" and chapter 7, "Healing".

****

Weight was the first thing that he noticed, a heaviness that he could not place. His thoughts were sluggish and he could not seem to move. Panic seized him and he surprised himself with the mewling sound that came from his throat. He opened his eyes and suddenly realized he had eyes to open. In Mandos his fëa had retained the memories of the hröa and its functionings and had imitated them out of habit, but this was real.

He closed his eyes again, not only for the sheer wonder of being able to do so, but because the light that surrounded him hurt. He instinctively cringed and felt a gentle hand on his cheek.

"Welcome back, Glorfindel."

He knew that voice, or thought he did, but memory was slow to sort itself out and he could not put a name to it. Soft laughter floated about him.

"All in good time, child. Now open your eyes. That’s it... open them," the voice said encouragingly and Glorfindel slowly complied.

The light, that had seemed so overwhelming at first, was less bright this time and he could see the one caressing his face. It was a Maia. His features were familiar but Glorfindel still could not remember a name and he felt himself becoming agitated at the thought.

"Hush now," the Maia said gently. "There’s no need for that. My name is Olórin."

Olórin. Yes, that was the name and it was as if a door opened in his mind and he remembered his time in Mandos and seeing Olórin there, caring for him, guiding him, comforting him. He smiled, or thought he did. His fine motor control seemed a bit off.

Olórin laughed. "Don’t worry, child, your fëa and hröa are still getting reacquainted. Soon you will be able to move around again, and speak again. There’s no rush. Take all the time you need."

Glorfindel wanted to nod his understanding but the best he could manage was a slight twitch. The Maia seemed to understand his intent and nodded in response.

"Good, good. Now it is time for you to sleep again. When you awaken I think you will find things have much improved for you."

With that Glorfindel suddenly found it too difficult to keep his eyes open and he closed them almost in relief, plunging back into sleep with a grateful sigh.

****

He woke several times after that, each for longer and longer periods. He was reminded of the early days of his time in Mandos when all he seemed to do was sleep and Olórin assured him that this was a normal consequence of re-embodiment.

"Your fëa and hröa have been long separated," Olórin told him. "It will take time for them to learn to work together."

Every time he woke, he noticed that he had better control over his body. He still could not sit up without help and Olórin had to feed him as if he were a baby, but he could speak now and move his head and even wiggle his toes, a sensation that never ceased to give him pleasure.

When he slept he dreamt, but the dreams seemed far too real, for he always remembered them upon awakening. He slowly began to realize that he was remembering his former life. There was no emotional attachment to the scenes, though, and he might have been watching someone else’s life. When he questioned the Maia about it Olórin merely smiled.

"In many ways, you are. Your life before your death is over. You can never go back or reclaim any part of it. Yet, that life still dictates who you are. The choices you made or didn’t make, the mistakes, the joys and the sorrows that made up that life all contributed to making you the person you are and always will be, even after death. You are remembering in order to put it into perspective. It’s part of the healing process all must undergo when they are Reborn."

At one point he took enough interest in his surroundings to wonder where in Aman he was and was disappointed to learn that he was still within the bounds of Mandos, though in a different part of it reserved for those who were recently re-embodied. He wondered if he would ever be allowed to leave Mandos and Olórin had to laugh.

"Of course you will, child. Once your fëa and hröa have become one you will be allowed to leave. Indeed, you’ll have no choice."

"Wh-where w-will I g-go?" he stuttered, for he was still learning to use his tongue for speaking.

"You will go to Lórien for a time until you are ready to face the world and take up your life again. There will be others there, also recently re-embodied. You might even remember them from your time in Mandos."

That comforted Glorfindel somewhat and he fell asleep wondering which of his friends would be there.

****

At some point he woke to the sensation of warm wetness flowing down his legs and wondered what it might mean. The sound of Olórin making a tsking sound and then the feel of a warm wet cloth on his lower extremities as the Maia wiped him clean brought him to full consciousness and he realized what he had done. Tears of shame came unbidden and he tried to apologize, but his mortification was too great and all he could do was try to curl himself into a ball to hide his shame.

He felt Olórin lift him gently from his couch, making hushing noises and then he was clinging to the Maia weeping much as he remembered doing as an elfling and more recently during his time in Mandos.

"There’s nothing to apologize for, Glorfindel," the Maia said gently as he rocked the elf in his arms. "And no reason for tears. It’s a natural function of your body, one you will have to get used to all over again. Now, why don’t you sit here while I clean things up."

Glorfindel found himself being lowered into a soft chair. Olórin took a blanket from a press and wrapped it around him. "There. Now you just sit here and relax. Everything’s going to be all right."

The Maia quickly changed the soiled bedding and soon clean sheets were put on the bed. When he was finished he turned to the elf who sat in the chair in dejected silence.

"Let’s clean you up now and get you back into bed."

He removed the blanket and began his ministrations, speaking softly, his tone one of compassion rather than disapproval. "In many ways, my friend, you are much like a newborn elfling. It will take time for you to gain control over your bodily functions, though such control will come more quickly than before. Do not be troubled, child. You’re not the first one this has happened to, nor will you be the last."

When Olórin was finished drying the elf off he gently pulled Glorfindel up, but rather than lift him into his arms again, he encouraged the ellon to walk to the bed. It was not easy and he was weak and dizzy just taking the few steps between chair and couch. He was grateful when Olórin lowered him into the bed and was asleep before his head touched the pillow.

****

After that, he seemed to improve and before long he was able to get out of bed by himself and take care of his needs without help. All this time he saw only Olórin and he never left the chamber he was in. Usually when he awoke it was to find the Maia sitting there beside the bed patiently waiting for him to wake up, or bustling about, cleaning the chamber or bringing in a tray of food.

Unlike his time in Mandos, there was actual day and night, for the light brightened and dimmed with unfailing regularity, though his sleeping schedule did not follow suit. He was as likely to be wide awake in the middle of the night as in the middle of the day. Regardless, Olórin was always there.

One morning, though, he woke to find himself alone. He sat up in bed and noticed the door leading to the outside. For the first time curiosity about what lay beyond his chamber took him and he cautiously stood up and padded to the doorway, opening it hesitantly, as if half-expecting the Maia to suddenly appear and shoo him back into bed.

As he opened the door and looked out he found himself in bright daylight and surrounded by a garden. The colors were almost overwhelming and he had to close his eyes for a moment to get control of himself. When he opened his eyes again he cried out with delight. There were shade trees and flowers of all kinds, some he could put no name to, and even bees happily collecting nectar. He stood there rapt in the pure pleasure of seeing light and color and feeling the slight breeze on his skin. He stepped past the lintel and began wandering in the garden, stopping to sniff this flower or that, running his hands over the tree trunks. He was delighted when the trees rustled their branches in greeting and sent warm thoughts to him. He had forgotten what that felt like, to be in communion with trees.

An impulse took him and he suddenly swung himself up into a large maple, or tried to. He was lacking in coordination and it took several attempts before he succeeded. The tree stood patiently waiting for the elf to climb into it and sit in the crook of a branch. The maple had seen many of the Reborn come into the garden and try to climb it and rejoiced that this newest one had recovered enough to make the attempt.

Glorfindel was somewhat breathless by the time he managed to climb into the tree. The soft rustle of leaves welcomed and soothed him and without realizing it he soon fell asleep. The maple carefully arranged the nearby branches to ensure the elf did not fall out, softly murmuring a lullaby about seedlings growing in the sun.

Olórin found him still sleeping some time later. He smiled at the protectiveness he felt from the tree and nodded his head. He decided to leave the ellon there in the tree while he tidied up the sleeping chamber. The maple shivered with delight at the thought that it would be allowed to cradle this Reborn Firstborn for a while longer.

Glorfindel woke only when the daylight deepened into early evening. At first he was unsure where he was but the tree sent waves of reassurance to him and he relaxed.

"Well, are you going to come down, or do I have to come up and get you?" came an amused voice and Glorfindel looked down from his perch to see Olórin smiling up at him. He smiled back.

"I’d like to see you try."

Olórin laughed. "That sounds like the Glorfindel I remember from long ages past. Come. I will help you down." He reached up and Glorfindel allowed the Maia to help him to descend. Once on the ground he put his hand on the maple’s trunk and silently thanked it for watching over him. The tree’s branches rustled with delight.

Olórin looked at the ellon with approval and a light glinted in his eye. "Next time, though, you might try putting something on before stepping outdoors."

Glorfindel stared at the Maia in incomprehension until he happened to look down and realized that he was completely naked and blushed. He had forgotten about that in his eagerness to see the outdoors.

"Sorry," he said in apology and Olórin just laughed as he ushered the elf back indoors and towards the bed.

"But I’m not tired," Glorfindel protested. "I am hungry, though."

"Then sit here in this chair and eat and later we will talk."

Olórin brought a tray of bread, fruit and new cheese for the elf along with a goblet of clear water and Glorfindel began eating the simple fare with pleasure. He loved the different tastes and smells and Olórin always made sure there were many enticing dishes from which to choose. In very little time he was finished. Olórin took the tray from him and then sat in another chair.

"Now tell me what you felt and experienced as you stepped out into the garden."

Glorfindel closed his eyes, trying to marshal his thoughts. "I woke up and you weren’t there. Why weren’t you there, Olórin?"

The Maia raised an eyebrow at the elf’s querulous tone. "You are not my only charge, elfling. And I cannot always be with you. Eventually, you must learn to do for yourself."

Glorfindel’s face fell. "B-but I don’t know how!"

Olórin laughed, his voice merry and light. "Not yet, child, but soon. You did not learn overnight the things you needed to know in your first life. It’s the same in this life. You must have patience. Now tell me about the garden and then I have a surprise for you."

Intrigued in spite of himself, Glorfindel complied. "It was so beautiful and so frightening. Will it always be like that?"

Olórin shook his head. "No, Glorfindel. The beauty will remain, but the fear will not and perhaps it was not fear that you felt so much as it was awe, and that is not a bad thing to feel at any time."

"Awe..." the elf said, experimenting with the word. "I felt awe, not fear?"

"Yes, I imagine you did."

"H-how do you know?"

Olórin smiled warmly. "Because I found you sleeping in a tree, not cowering in your bed."

Glorfindel smiled back. "It’s a nice tree. It likes me." He sounded almost smug.

The Maia laughed and went to the elf and raised him up into a warm embrace. "Yes, indeed, child. It likes you very much."

"What’s my surprise?" Glorfindel asked then and Olórin stood back with a grin.

"Come, I will show you, but first you must dress." He went to the clothes press and pulled out a linen sleeping shirt and found a bed robe and slippers and helped Glorfindel to dress. Glorfindel was so intrigued by the softness of the fabric and the way they felt against his skin that he did not even bother to protest, for wearing clothes still felt strange to him and normally he preferred not to wear any at all unless Olórin insisted.

Olórin led the ellon back outside, and Glorfindel gasped in wonder. It was full night now and the stars were a blaze of glory strewn across the sky. He gazed in wonder and swayed to the music he heard emanating from them, high and remote though it was. A flash of light arced across the heavens and he shouted with delight, jumping up and down in excitement. Suddenly several lights fell in a shower that left the ellon breathless and tears fell, tears of irrepressible joy such as he had never felt before.

Emotions he barely understood flooded him and he collapsed to the ground weeping, his arms crossed before him as he rocked himself. He felt rather than saw the Maia reach for him and cradle him in his arms. Then they were inside and Olórin was removing the robe and slippers and putting him into bed.

"There now, child. I think that was enough excitement for one day. Sleep now."

Glorfindel gave a small hiccup and a brief sniffle before exhaustion borne of deep emotion carried him into sleep. His dreams were of falling stars and trees that sang lullabies to him and he slept that night with a smile on his face.